bullying, coaching, Health, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, parenting, Wellness, women

Sometimes those closest to us are not always the best support.

I know people can get a little turned off when I mention the word “church”, but I was in church last week and we had a visiting priest from Africa. The Central African Republic to be precise.. anyway, he said that he was very interested to do the homily that week, because it was about Jesus’s (trigger word… bare with you) speech about being judged by those you know.

There is a part of the Bible in which Jesus speaks and everyone questions his authority, as he was just the son of a carpenter… and they knew of his humble beginnings.. and how could HE possibly be important. The Father went on to say how he knows how it feels. He came to this new church on the other side of the world and he was welcomed and respected, and though he loved his home there were always those that would never take him seriously because he was the kid that did…. what have you, 20 years ago.

When starting something new in life this is often a problem that people have. We are already set in our ways and it is difficult enough to start a new course and reprogram our own minds, but it is all the more difficult with the naysayers in our ears. I can remember when I was starting my health journey and I was cutting bad foods and trying to exercise more, and the hardest people to be around were the ones that were closest to me. The ones who were like, “oh… another diet” or “yeah, we can go out next week when you’re over your kick” or “it’s just a piece of cake” .. or pizza or what have you.. “It’s not a big deal. You’ve always eaten it before.”

There is something about human nature that people almost take it as a personal insult if you decide to change.. as if you’re trying to be better than the other person or that your change means that they should change as well.

As I have mentioned before people are very determined to stay the image that they have assigned for themselves. They like their habits. They know their identity. Anything outside of that makes them very uncomfortable. So if identity is permanent than you shouldn’t be able to change yours either. This is an extremely hard battle to wage when  you’re already fighting your own mind.

A lot of people will tell you not to share your process or your plans with others. I’m not sure that I agree with that or not. I think it depends on your own resilience at that time (which can change from day to day and minute to minute), and also your opinion of the other person.. as well as a million other things. I do think that it is important to have a support system.. and that there are always those in your life that you KNOW you can’t depend on for support. Them, you avoid like the plague.

I believe this is why support groups like AA and weight watchers and the like are so important. Humans are, at our core, social beings. We need to connect with others. We need support, whether we like to admit it or not, but we can’t always get that at home with the people who are happy in the status quo or feel more comfortable holding our pasts against us. When it’s time for a change.. sometimes we have to make bold sweeping changes. We need to turn away from getting comfort in what’s familiar and move on to a new tribe if you like. The most important thing is not letting other’s define your identity.

bullying, coaching, Law of Attraction, Motivation

Passive-Aggressive “friends” are not friends

We all know those people in our lives that deal out passive aggression like a Vegas shark. The people who make comments and then say that they’re “just kidding” or back handed compliments that leave your head spinning. These people are always the ones that leave you confused about your interaction and second guessing your emotions.. these people are assholes.

thI know.. that’s a tough word, but it’s accurate. These people are cowards. They don’t want to say what they are really thinking or they want to make you feel like what you’re doing is wrong, because they don’t have the courage to do things themselves. These are the same people who compliment your dress while saying something like, “Oh, you’re wearing that? I’d never think to wear that myself, but if you think it looks good.”.

Repeat after Megan Trainor.. No.. my name is no.. my sign is.. NO. These are not the people that you need in your life. When you ask them if they can do you a favor and they “kid” with you about how much you’re willing to pay them, or how you’re going to return the favor and it leaves you not sure if they are even willing to help you in the first place? Find your help somewhere else.

Ambiguity is way more toxic than a full on assault. These “friends” are supposed to be your safe space, and instead they leave you feeling more defeated than those who attack you straight on. If someone walks up to you and says, “You are an idiot, I can’t believe how badly you messed up that report” you have something to defend. You have a clear and present danger in your sights. If someone walks up to you and says, “I saw your report… are you done with it? Is that really the work you want to hand in? I mean, if it is, great… well done.. but if you want to work on it more.. that’d be fine too”… ummm. what? Is there something wrong, did I miss something? You have no idea where you stand.

People have friends for support. They lean on them when things are hard. They ask their advice when things are confusing. They depend on them when they are unsure of themselves. Passive aggressive “friends” prey on this. They look for the weak moments and they mess with your head. They aren’t looking out for your best interest, they are looking for a way to make you feel bad so they can feel good.. and then call it a joke so they don’t look like the bad guy.

These people are not worth the energy that you put into your decoder ring. You have enough of your own garbage floating around in your head, you don’t need theirs. Next time you feel like you’re being manipulated by “jokes” or the back hand.. ask the person straight out what they mean.. or just call them out on their “return favor” slight. Tell them, “Clearly you are not interested in… I’ll be more than happy to look elsewhere”. Or “Yes, I am finished with my project, if there is something specific you find issue with I’d more than welcome the feedback, otherwise I’ll assume you agree with more whole-heartedly.”. Don’t let their obscurity control your world. It’s all their problem.

coaching, Love, Motivation, Politics, religion, school shootings

We are all “The Gifted”

I just started binge watching an interesting show. It’s called “The Gifted” for those that don’t know, I am a geek and love superhero shows, this one is about mutants. It’s along the same lines as the X-Men, only it’s way more human.. and way more political.

This show follows a family and their experiences after the two teenage children discover their powers. They had spent their whole lives thinking that they were “human” and had no reason to think otherwise. In this show the “x gene” is both hereditary and random so anyone can be and/or have a mutant at any time without warning.

downloadThe title is a bit misleading because the mutants are not considered “gifted” by most of the population. They are considered enemies and threats to all human kind. Now, that’s not to say that there aren’t some mutants using their powers for evil.. as they are .. shall we say, human, but for the most part they are just ordinary people. There are some, like the kids focused in the beginning of the show, who hurt others accidentally before they learn how to control their powers, and there are others who hurt people in self defense,  but the authorities aren’t interested in motives, they are only interested in locking up and/or killing every mutant.

There is a campaign, a government agency, and private sector companies who are Hell bent on taking out all mutants.. they see it as the only way to save humanity. They see it as a way to keep humans pure. Does any of this sound familiar? It should, because it’s exactly the same things that are being said about anyone that is not English speaking, white, Christians in the US.

There is a Senator in the show that runs his whole campaign on “Making America Human Again” and ridding the world of Mutants, as if every mutant everywhere is evil. As if every mutant everywhere is dangerous. Funny, men with guns aren’t dangerous.. but a mutant who can make flowers bloom needs to be destroyed.

Of course this movement to exterminate everyone of it’s kind is not met with open arms by the mutants and they are forced to fight back. The humans in this show are clearly the monsters and everyone can see it. Sure, they all have their backstories. They have lost loved ones to mutants or what have you, but that’s how it always starts. A few bad apples creates an us vs them mentality. Fear and anger become the prevailing force behind decisions and no one can see reality.

The interesting thing that I see about this argument is how no one can be bothered to th (2)talk to one another. In real life we have certain groups against illegals or Muslims because they have heard that some have hurt innocent people.. They feel that anyone that even looks like they could fit in these categories should be punished immediately, yet they are the same people who scoff and ridicule at the thought that guns should be outlawed because they are used more often than not to kill and maim innocents everyday.

In this case the constitution is clear… everyone should be allowed guns.. well, everyone except those who look like those other people.. and rights to privacy, and freedom or speech and religion and association.. all paramount to the building blocks of this great country… well, that is white.. Christian… male.. citizens of this country.. I mean if they have brown skin, or wear anything weird on their heads clearly they aren’t “real Americans”. Even though they have the right to the freedom of religion.. that only counts if they choose Christianity.. and they have the right to freedom of speech.. but that only counts if they chose to say it in English.. the not official, but we want it to be language of this great country.. who is so great because of all the people who came here.. and fought.. but not the new ones that come here and fight.. because they don’t count cuz… WE WERE HERE FIRST >:-P

Yeah.. America the Great.. home of the Free.. right.

bullying, coaching, Healthcare, Motivation, parenting, Politics, school shootings

No one wants to talk.. they just want to win.

th (1)It amazes me the lengths people will go just to be right. A “friend” on Facebook just published a video about how the Left is so hypocritical that they are up in arms about illegal children but don’t try to do anything to stop children being killed here by guns and drugs… when I pointed out that the left has tried to put through policies for gun control and mental health he stated that no one was upset when Obama took the kids from their illegal parents.. when I cited articles that stated that Obama, though he held families and unaccompanied minors in detention centers, he didn’t actually separate babies from their moms. He then spent the next hour defending the policy to anyone willing to comment.

He said that the illegals shouldn’t be breaking the law, that, “How bad can their countries really be that they’d have to risk getting their kids taken away?”. When it was pointed out that some of the countries they are fleeing are violent, and that little girls are being raped and boys are being forced to join armies or drug cartels.. he said that we, as Americans, should just invade their “shithole” countries and take them over.

When it was pointed out that we could easily save the money that would be spent on wars and just aid those who wanted to leave he argued back that it’s not our job to save other people and that they just needed to stop breaking the law.. that just because he wants a new Escalade doesn’t mean he can just take one. He apparently didn’t understand the difference between protecting the lives of their children from rape and murder and getting a new expensive toy.

He went on and on about how if he breaks the law that he would have his children taken away.. even though it was explained that this is just a misdemeanor and no one would have their kids taken away for that.. and even if the kids were taken away in the case of a felony.. they wouldn’t be placed in a detention center. He argued in favor of this policy over and over and spoke of it’s praises and why it should be supported and how it’s all the illegals’ faults for being criminals… then he threw a curve ball and said that Trump had tried to change the policy but that Congress wouldn’t let him.

Obviously this confused me, so is the policy fabulous and right and deserves to be in place.. or is it horrible and bad and Trump is trying to change it? He told me that I was just trying to start an argument. I explained that while I enjoy a fact filled discussion this “argument” just took a turn.. he was no longer supporting his point. He was just going against “the Left” for the sake of it.

The original post was about the Left didn’t care about American children.. when it was pointed out that they did and were blocked in making changes.. he spent his time trying to prove why the Left was wrong for being disgusted by this policy.. then, in a sudden switch, said that this BAD policy wasn’t even Trump’s fault…. uuummm what?

I have noticed this is a growing trend. People don’t want to talk about facts or come up with a resolution.. they just want to be right. They will flop subjects or sides mid conversation just to save face. They make the most inflammatory comments just to confuse and befuddle their “opponent”. No one wants to help, no one wants to resolve.. people only want to win… even if by winning everyone loses.

coaching, Health, Healthcare, Love, Motivation, Wellness

Why are we still not talking about suicide?

I don’t get the whole taboo way of thought about mental health. I grew up with a mother who was schizophrenic. I had no problem telling people this, and people always are shocked by my openness. My son’s father has mental health and addiction issues and when I mention this people hush me. I have an aunt who is actually educated as a therapist and the thought of me telling anyone that my ex is a drug addict makes her cringe.

I don’t get it. These are illnesses. If my son’s father had cancer should I keep that hushed? My father had diabetes, and there was no problem with me talking about that. Most mental illness can be, at least helped, by medication and or different cognitive therapies… don’t we want this?

Healthcare is a huge topic of discussion right now. Gun violence is a huge topic of discussion right now… two rich celebrities within a week of one another lost their battles with mental illness and killed themselves, and yet, no one actually wants to talk about mental illness. I mean, people will wear colors or post memes and pictures to commemorate the fallen, but no one wants to actually talk about what’s going on in this world… with themselves or their loved ones.

thNo one wants to understand how someone can loose all hope. No one wants to acknowledge the reality that is illness. They want to point fingers. They want to call the fallen weak and selfish and pathetic. They want to pretend that they are just so much stronger and would never be that desperate, but the truth is mental illness is everywhere and can affect anyone. The only way we can do anything to prevent any suicides and mass killings is to talk about mental health and to make it a safe and open environment for everyone to seek help.

If I break my leg I’m considered an idiot if I don’t go to a doctor.. but if something in me is broken. If I’m feeling just too sad, or too angry, or too fearful then I’m just a miserable person that needs to get over it and it’s my problem. If I try to seek help for my health them I’m labeled crazy. If I reach my breaking point and I do something desperate I’m the villain, even in the case of self hurting (suicide and/or drugs).. I’m not a victim… I’m out to hurt my loved ones.

I’m on social media a lot. There are all kinds of jokes, and memes about being miserable, hating other people, and feeling overly insecure, anxious, or stressed. This is completely normal and laughable. It’s become a staple in our society to be miserable. Relationships are designed to break our hearts, jobs are designed to break our spirits, and friends are only there to commiserate with. Anyone who talks about good things in life or wanting more are laughed at as if they’re delusional.

We have become a society of miserable, overly self medicated, unhealthy carbon sacks… and when anyone among us expresses that we have a real problem we are told that it’s all “in our heads” and that everyone is hopeless and not to feel special. WHAT?!?!?!?

Why would anyone want to be despondent? Maybe if we all had to get evaluated regularly with our mental health like we do with our physical health.. maybe just maybe… we wouldn’t be as sick, on all ends.

bullying, coaching, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, parenting, Politics, Prayer, religion

The father, the sun? the Holy what?

I just got back from church and today’s topic was a heated one that has been debated for millennia by theologians and novice alike.  What is the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit?  They are 3 different things… but yet all the same. The priest at my church discussed the different analogies used, like St Patrick and his shamrock, the theory that they were like the different stages of water, or some other that God was the sun, the light was Jesus and the warmth was the Holy Spirit. He concluded by saying that we may never understand, but that ours was not to know. Ours was to believe. That all would be clear after death.

Now, I know a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes. This is one of the problems that religion has. Everything must be taken as fact and believed without proof… but, in my humble opinion, proof is suspect.

If I tell someone that I believe that the world is amazing, that I find awe in a sunset, in the way that life renews itself, in the fact that water does only change and that because of it’s necessity in life it is incapable of ceasing to exist, that child birth and the bond created, no one would bat an eye. If I made a casual comment about how the “universe” is incredible that it was able to contrive such a masterpiece. Everyone would agree. If I said, “God is incredible”, I would get scoffs and eye rolls. If I said, “Allah is incredible” I would have Homeland security bugging my phones. If I said, “The Goddess is incredible” I’d get men claiming I’m a feminazi.

Vocabulary causes 90% of all problems in this world. I was talking with another mother the other day about cliques and how they separate kids, especially in high school. Humans are designed as a tribe species. We need other’s in order to survive. From the time of early man (you can choose your own origin) we needed each other for protection. We needed help with our young, help with hunting, and gathering, and babysitting. We needed to be with others who would love us as their own in order to ensure the continuation of our species.

Since most of the breeding happened within these tribes it started to create homogeneous looking, speaking, and so forth groups that created societies and cultures. When those from outside came into that tribe it was survival to be suspect, most people who ventured outside of their homeland were not looking to join another, they were looking to conquer, or pillage. There is nothing new about this. If an area ran out of food, they needed to find a new place that was full with food. If someone else was already there then they were an obstacle keeping your tribe from said food.

Most of us learned about the Roman Empire, the British Empire, the Vikings… and even the Europeans who came and “discovered” America. They did this not to assimilate or to help those who the “found”. They did it to get as much as they could for those who were like them… for their tribe. This is just how human nature works, and this is unfortunate.

If anyone ever bothered to talk to each other they would realize how alike they really are. How much people actually agree and just use different words for the same things. I’m not talking about the politics that go along with ideas, that’s where the tribes culture starts to come in to affect, but the main ideas behind the religion, the philosophy, the values are the same.

I was speaking with a Native American Owl Priestess and she was joking about the Twix commercial in which they use the example of the left and right Twix being the same as a bouncer and a doorman being the same.. or a spirit and a ghost being the same. Growing up I heard the Holy Ghost and the Holy Spirit interchanged. I’ve heard Jesus and God interchanged. I’ve heard Allah is what Muslims call God. Today in church they said how “God is Abba.. meaning Father” which is true. Abba is the Arabic word for Father… because Jesus WAS ARABIC.

These books that everyone follow are transcribed over and over from one tribe to the next, in one language to the next, and for anyone who ever saw the News Radio episode when Jimmy James’s book was translated to Japanese and then back, you would know how much even one word being changed can make a difference. The Bible has been translated how many times? In how many languages? And the Apostles shared their word literally by walking about and talking to people.. and then the story was verbally passed down… a game of telephone, anyone?

Now that’s not to say that it’s all a lie, or that I don’t believe. I, personally believe that anything is possible until proven otherwise.. it makes life much more interesting. Thanks to scientists and archaeologists many events and people that are talked about in the Bible… both versions.. have been found to be true. So, then the question lies in, how did things happen.

On the history channel I saw a show on the science behind Moses’s miracles, and how because of certain flooding and iron draining into the sea it made the water look red, and how the locust happen through because of a weather change.. and so on.. so scientists say that they PROVED God didn’t do these things.. that science did. I say semantics.

A while ago I read Dan Brown’s book Origin. I don’t want to give any SPOILERS but in it one of the characters proves that there is no God because everything can be explained by computer code. There is a real life Theoretical Physicist who agrees and questions whether or not we really live in the Matrix because of it. But those that believe in God just say.. “ok, then who wrote the code?”. Just because things can be explained by science doesn’t mean that God didn’t use that science to create the universe.

Neil deGrasse Tyson was interviewed about his belief in God and explained that he did not believe in isms.. much like Ferris Bueller. I agree with his logic. If I told you that I am a Christian then you would automatically assume certain things about me. If I explained that I am actually a Catholic it may change your thoughts a little.. I may seem more Democrat than Republican… If I said that I love to study Quantum Physics… that may throw a monkey wrench in yet another theory…. and there in lies the problem with vocabulary.

If you want to know who someone is don’t judge them based on who you think they are based on what you believe someone “like them” would, should, or could be. Talk to them… ask them what they believe, who they are, and what they feel. You’ll probably be surprised how much you have in common.

bullying, coaching, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, Prayer, religion, Wellness, women

Is all love conditional?

Love… I mean real unconditional love. It was the topic of last week’s Mass at my church. Now, before you roll your eyes and click off, I am not here to spread my religion… nor do I believe there is only one spiritual path, and everyone is allowed to choose their own. The one thing that I do know is that any, and all spiritual awakenings begin and end with love. This does not mean romantic love, though it seems lately that’s the only kind people are actually interested. I mean true unconditional love.

charlie-brown-happy-valentines-cute-greetings-animated-gif-2Five years ago I became a mother. I thought I knew what love was before that. I had no idea. I had been in many relationships, some good some bad. I had one divorce behind me and another relationship that was headed for disaster. I had no idea how to love any of those men, but my son. That was easy. Loving my son was like breathing. I did it before I even met him. I loved him the second I saw that second line on the little stick telling me he existed. Though I didn’t even know that he was a he.

Two years and one month after my son was born my father died. That was my second lesson in love. True, unconditional love. The kind of love that… well, never dies. I was lucky. Growing up I knew that my father loved me. There was never any doubt. He said it and showed it everyday. Now, that didn’t mean he didn’t punish me when I acted up, or that he didn’t put me in my place when I needed, but he never made me doubt myself or him. My father was the one person I truly knew would always be there for me. He may have laughed at me when I did stupid things, and he may have wished me to make better choices at times, but he never once gave up on me, or made me feel like I was anything but capable and my life was full of possibilities.

I remember thinking a lot about family after that. I remember thinking about my past relationships and how or why they failed. I remember feeling like family was everything, and that the reason it is so is because we never give up on each other, and we never judge each other.

I have a brother. He and I couldn’t be more different if we were hatched from eggs on different sides of the planet. We like different music. We are on opposite sides of everything political. He thinks any kind of self help or therapy is a waste of time and feelings are for suckers. To him money and power are first and foremost… yet… When I needed his help; he was there. When I told him my plans for my business, he said, “I think you’ll be good at that”. He doesn’t have to agree with me or my beliefs to love me. Nor I his.

Last week in Mass, Father…. which ever one… talked about unconditional love in terms of Jesus.. and I get that, it’s kind of his thing, but he brought it around to the rest of us. He talked about how it’s the thing that is missing in the world today. We don’t like people who don’t look like us. Why should we help people who don’t live by us? If someone somewhere on the internet does something differently than we do… especially in parenting.. we basically commit a public stoning in the comments section.

We have forgotten to love. We have forgotten to love thy neighbor, where ever they may live. We have forgotten to love and respect our parents, and instead throw them in home when they become a burden. Most importantly, we have forgotten to show unconditional love to the person who matters the most. Ourselves. We bash ourselves. We poke fun at ourselves. We hate ourselves on a regular basis.

The words and phrases I mentioned above come from a particular text that you may or may not believe in, but that doesn’t lessen what they say. If I said that Jesus was not the son of God, but was the Tony Robbins of his day, just trying to help people be the best versions of them-self would that make a difference in your interpretations of those phrases? Does it matter who gives the advice if it’s the right advice? Does it matter how the words got corrupted if the source was genuine?

Nike’s tagline is “Just do it”. It’s simple yet elegant. It’s about getting out and being.. being active, being you.. just do it… They don’t even pretend to tell you what “it” is. They leave it to you to figure out for yourself. It is amazing advice. Yet, if some executive came out and said the “it” in “just do it” was “buy the shoes”. Just buy the shoes! Does that lessen the expression or the original intent? Nike originally paid a graphic designer just $35 for their trademark swoosh. They have since made billions of dollars and it’s one of the most recognizable logos of our time, does that change it’s worth. Does it change your opinion on the phrase, “just do it”? What if your knew that that slogan came from one of the founders of an ad agencies last words (I just Googled it.. maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not) does it matter?

If you believe that love, specifically unconditional love, is important. If you believe that you deserve that love; that everyone deserves that love… why does it matter who said it? Why does it matter where the message came from? And… what’s stopping you?

bullying, coaching, Giving, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, Uncategorized, Wellness, women

What happens when we forgive.

Forgiveness, it’s something people talk a lot about, but I don’t think most people understand. Most people think of forgiveness in terms of the old adage “forgive and forget” but that implies that forgiveness is about the other person. It implies that you’re letting someone off the hook for their bad behavior or for hurting you, but that’s not the way that I see forgiveness.

To me forgiveness is letting go.. not for them, but for you. I recently had an ex contact me. We’ve images (11)all had this ex.. in fact it wouldn’t surprise me if we all had this exact same ex, he did tend to get around.. I digress. This ex put me through the ringer. He was a huge cheat, great at gaslighting and making himself appear the victim while trying to make you feel like he wouldn’t have to cheat, or blow you off, or whatever damaging thing he did, if you didn’t_____ fill in with what ever you feel is your biggest flaw is.

For years this man plagued every relationship that I was in. He would contact me in an effort to get back together swearing that he changed. He never did. I got to the point that I ran so hard and fast away from him that I married the next man to come along.. not because I loved him, but because I never wanted to feel love again. He still played with me and I ended up ending my marriage. I put on 10s of pounds with my self esteem crashing into the abyss. He was both the man of my dreams and the reason why I could never trust another man as long as I lived. He was a huge scar that didn’t seem like it could ever heal.

After dealing with his crap for almost a decade I finally walked away. I was with, who I thought, was a great guy. I ended up having the most amazing little boy in the world. I had huge REAL tragedies and wonderful adventures, all without him. I went through the hardest year of my life, and even though I had the urge to call him so he could “make me feel better”, the more that I thought about him, the more I realized he just caused me pain.

That led to the opposite affect. Instead of wanting to call him I started to get angry at him. Blaming him for wasting so many of my years. Years that I could have met someone else. Years that I could have started a family earlier and given my father and son a chance to actually know each other. This created a fierce bitterness in me, and it started to bleed into other things that I did. I had real trouble creating any form of relationship. I had trouble trusting men at all, but I knew that I didn’t want to live like that.

I have spent the last 3 years working on every aspect of my life. I have concentrated on being the best mother that I can be. I have focused on becoming healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I have created a life and a person that I really enjoy, but there was always something nagging at me. A song would come on the radio, or someone who make a face or use a phrase that I would say and that pain would strike like a hot dagger and I my blood would begin to boil. I hated him, and I started to question why. Why did I give this man that I knew in my 20s so much power over who I have become in my 40s. It has now been almost a decade since I have seen him and I still feeling trapped by him. Trapped by the feelings of wanting him and hating him.

He has followed me on many social media platforms over the years and came up on my Linkedin a couple months ago. In my haste to delete the suggestion I accidentally went into his profile.. that of course got me thinking about him and all of the damage that I needed to let go of. I ended up looking back at his profile one night… debating on whether or not to break down and just contact him when a contact request came in. I just went for it. I accepted the request and within 5 seconds there was a message from him.

It was all very pleasant. We caught up. He asked about my son whom he had seen on one of the social media platforms. He asked about his father and told me he was sorry to hear about mine passing. We talked about the basic stuff that anyone catching up would talk about. Then he asked me why I accepted his request after all of this time, and the truth is that I needed to. I needed to forgive him not for his sake but for my own. I needed to forgive myself for all the time I wasted being angry. I needed to talk to him again to see that he wasn’t the devil, but just some guy with just as much damage and confusion in his life as we all have. I had to take my power back.

And you know what? It felt really good. I may never talk to him again, or we could become those people that check in every once in a while just because, or he could even become my next best friend.. anything is possible. But the one thing he won’t be is a drain, because I deserve better than that.

bullying, coaching, Health, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, Uncategorized, women

How do you treat people?

I see it all the time. At least a few times a day on some social feed about how we should change the way we treat people based on how they treat us. If someone is an ass to you of course it gives you the right to be an ass to them. If you are good to someone and they take advantage of you then you have the right to take advantage me them, and of course, you shouldn’t even expect someone to treat you well.. as no one does.

downloadHow is any of this good? How is it that we have become a society of “screw you then” . Now, don’t get me wrong, if someone treats you badly then you should not put up with it. You should not just take it. You should stand up for yourself and demand respect… but that is very different than disrespecting someone else.

I talk to women everyday who have seriously bad situations that they are working through. Some are in abusive relationships, some are being assaulted or degraded at work, and some just feel underappreciated by everyone around them, and obviously they are in need of help. They are in need of finding a better way. What they do not need is to become the abusers, the degrading, or the lose the ability to appreciate.

We are how we react to others. That’s it. We are who our thoughts and our actions. We are not how other’s treat us, or what other’s say about us. We are what we say. So when someone says that they now have the right to be an ass to someone because “they started it” what does that make us? When we say, “what goes around comes around” or “why should I be good to anyone if no one is good to me?” who are we becoming?

I have always been the type of person to help when someone was down. I have always been the person that they could call when they needed help moving, or a little extra money, or a ride to the airport. I have always been the type of person that kept Advil in my desk in case anyone needed it. What I am not is the person who gets mad when my Advil runs out or when everyone else is too busy to help me move. It doesn’t help my headache.. and it won’t create a great environment for my new abode.

If someone else is there for you, GREAT! Appreciate that person and that moment. If someone else is struggling with their own world and can’t take a minute and put energydownload (1) into yours.. respect that too. There are very few people out there who are trying to harm others… regardless of what the media portrays. There are very few people out there wishing you harm. Do other’s sometimes have so much garbage going on in their lives that they can’t always take the time to think about you… yes.. of course! But that doesn’t require a “Anyone can make time if it matters” because that’s just not true. Yes, people have priories… but people also have their own personal garbage. They have the, “I don’t have the money to go out” and the “my house is too messy to invite others over” and the all favorite… “I’ve put on too much weight for anyone to see me” these are things that go through everyone’s head.

Now of course there are those situations where someone is actually bad to you. The SO that cheats on you, or steals from you, or beats you… No, do not “put up with” this behavior.. but do not get “even” either. If they break the law, by all means call the police and let them deal with it. If they broke your heart, take the lesson and move on, but this is not an excuse to harass them, cheat on them, steal from them, or ruin their lives. That is not going to help your life. This is not going to make you feel better or help you move on to something that is good for you. This is not going to make you a better person.

I know that we, as human beings, can feel that jealousy and vengeance is the normal.. and it is.. but it’s not helpful or healthy. It just keeps us reliving those negative feelings and digging ourselves deeper into a hole we may never escape. So the next time you feel hurt or slighted, don’t react.. just act.. like the person that you want to be.

 

bullying, coaching, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, parenting, Uncategorized, Wellness, Women's movement

What purpose does your anger serve?

How often do we find ourselves holding on to some past slight with both hands as if letting go would prove to be a sign of weakness? How often do we feel as though we need to validate every action that we take as proof that we are better than some bugger from our past treated us?

I look around at this world, at social media, at the news and I find it very difficult to see the good that I know is out there. It seems that everyone has their chip on their shoulder or their person or group or reason to blame for something not going right in their life, or their happiness not being met.

I started following a single parent group on social media and every post that they put up was some sort of male bashing, I am woman hear me roar, cliche… Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for girl power, but not at the sake of half the population, and not all single parents are women. I, personally, was raised by a single dad who belonged to that same organization.

When I commented as such and that we shouldn’t be placing blame on any specific side, the moderator responded, “well, it can be used for men too”. That wasn’t the point. Firstly, none of the posts were about men, and secondly, most of the time when a marriage falls apart there is not one side to blame. Most of the time there is plenty of blame to go around so to have a support group who posts things that fan the flames of anger seems the opposite of support.

Part of growing is understanding what we have done wrong in our past. It’s understanding our faults and our mistakes and missteps so we can learn to avoid them in the future. If we spend all of our time ranting in our “support” groups about how we were wronged, or how every bad thing that happened fell upon the shoulders of another, then we are no more prepared for our next journey than we were for our last.

When I think of empowerment I do not think of all the ways that we are better than someone else. I do not think of all the things that we can and should be doing to bring down another person or group. I think of ways that we should raise ourselves and each other up. We do not need to steps on the heads of our perceived enemies in order to rise, we just need to give each other a hand or a leg up.

There is plenty of anger and resentment in this world, and it doesn’t actually help anyone. This isn’t just a male/female issue either, it’s time we let go of all of it. That bully from 3rd grade probably either doesn’t remember you so it’s not worth letting them have power over you now, or had more issues in his life than you could have in a lifetime and didn’t know how to express is. That teacher that made learning impossible was one year… how many years ago? Your parents… oh God.. your parents were a mess.. yup.. they were human. They made mistakes. They made poor choices… maybe they were straight up a**holes, but who cares? I mean really… they messed up enough of your years as a child, now you are the adult and you have the ability to make your own choices. Are you going to be one of those adults, like your parents, who constantly makes the wrong ones, or are you going to step up and learn from those mistakes.

I see so many people who make excuses about why they can’t hold jobs, or have good relationships, or be good parents, and usually it’s because of how someone treated them in the past. How does that make any sense? You are telling me that you have the right to be a loser.. because your parents were losers and you hated them for it? Umm… not to sound to harsh, but grow up.. live YOUR life. Tomorrow your parents will be gone, that bully will be a memory, and those feelings… they can either percolate and control your future, or they can be released.. and you can understand that no one, not even parents or teachers, are perfect. That we all have our demons. We all make our own choices based on our own limited experiences… which experiences do you want to shape your life? Which life do you want to grow?