parenthood – Katrina Michelle Russell

As everyone knows, last Sunday was Mother’s Day. The day that mom gets to get pampered. She gets breakfast in bed, and flowers, and candy, and taken out to dinner and little handmade cards from the little people she created and carried in her own body and has given up every second of her life to since.

HAHAHA! Most of us get half eaten toast that we have to clean up after. And we love it. We love that our kids even kind of acknowledge that we deserve something for all the things we do for them.

A couple weeks before Mother’s Day I started seeing posts in my feed about “Remember dad’s the schools aren’t going to be helping your children make cards this year. It’s all on you”. I thought it quite amusing that the internet understood that most dad’s have no idea that the holiday is coming, never mind that they may have to do something about it.

My son’s father, unfortunately, is no longer with us. It’s just me and my son.. we are our own little team. I bought myself a little mother’s day present. His school has a collaboration with Artsonia.com to have all of their artwork published onto the site and we can order products with their actual artwork printed on it. I bought myself a couple pieces of jewelry, and I bought his grandmother, his father’s mother, a little wooden plaque.

I thought that would be the end of my Mother’s Day celebration… until the day came and my son asked one of my friends to take him to Target. They put on their masks and walked the isles. He didn’t really know what kind of books I read, or what sized clothes I wore so he he bought me snacks. He bought me Ghiradelli Chocolates, fruit and cupcake. He also bought me the most beautiful garden flower decoration. I was so shocked and proud by his choices.. even though he did eat all the cupcakes himself and told me how much more I like fruit anyway.. he is 7 after all.

For our celebration, knowing we couldn’t go anywhere, we ordered in takeout and watched The Indiana Jones series. It was actually quite nice to just sit and snuggle on the couch. For a Mother’s Day in quarantine.. it was probably one of the best ones I’ve ever had.

grief, Love

My dad died 5 years ago today

March 21, 2020 Katrina Russell

It was 5 years ago today that we lost my dad. I remember waking up that Saturday morning and seeing his truck outside. He was supposed to have left early that day. He was going “yard sailing” and had to be out the door before dawn.

I was not an early riser. It was probably around 9 am… though the specifics are fuzzy. My 2 year old son had just woken up and I needed his diaper changed. He had climbed up on the changing table himself and I happened to look out the window that was next to the changing table. There was my dad’s truck. In the driveway. Not out driving around looking for treasures.

I felt a slight twinge of panic. My father had severe diabetes and his sugar levels were always wonky. I was hoping that he just chose to stay home because it was raining that day. I went downstairs looking for him and eventually found my way to his bedroom. I called to him multiple times, but he never answered. He never would again. I turned the corner and saw him. It was like something out of a movie. He was clearly gone. His mouth was open.. his eyes were open, but it was clear that he was not behind those eyes.

I ran to him. I checked to see if he was breathing. I shook him. I screamed… but I knew he was gone. There was no CPR. There was no call to EMS. Nothing was going to bring my father back. The man that had been there for me my entire life was gone. The man who used to hold me when I cried. The man who kissed my boo boos. The man who tucked me in. The man who made my dinners and gave me my tubbies.. and read me bedtime stories. The man who was always there to listen to me babble on during my childhood.. and even worse.. during my teen years. The man who I went to for all of my problems, and the man who was starting to come to me for his. He was gone. I was alone. I was scared, and 5 years later. I still am.

People talk about grief, but until you live through it you will never understand. For weeks I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I cried without even realizing. There is about 6 months of my life that I don’t remember. I carried on. I had to. I had my job. I had my son. I had my life that I had to live. My father died 5 years ago today, and I miss him every bit as much now as I did then.