coaching, Health, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, Wellness, women

Create the life you love.. don’t dwell on the life you hate

Imagine if people put as much energy into creating the life that they want as they did into putting down and destroying others? Everywhere we look today we see posts and videos and commentary about how bad someone else is and about how if not for someone else the world would be great. People spend hours and days and lifetimes finding reasons and people to blame for all that ails them.

th (1)Imagine, though, if instead of concentrating on the things that irritate, or corrode the life that we want we actually spent time and energy on the things that we do want. This can be used in any context. I don’t care if you’re complaining about our president, your ex, or the latest diet that didn’t work for you. Wasting our energy on things that we don’t want in our world only keeps us for using that same energy on the things that we do.

Take politics for example. The news and in turn everyday people spend so much time complaining and arguing about the horrible things that Trump and or his people are doing and how to get him out…but I have yet to see anyone put energy into a viable person or persons who they can put up next year to oust him.

I see post upon post.. meme upon meme, about the ex who didn’t respect me and how I deserve respect and how you’re going to regret losing me because I’m so good and your so great and how could anyone like me ever care about anyone like you and you’re going to see just how amazing I am.. and .. and ..and… time to move on honey. I’m not talking to the ex who’ll see it.. I’m talking to you.. who can’t let it go. Don’t think about the one that screwed up, think about who you want next. Think about the person that you want to become to attract the person that you deserve.

We hate our jobs, we hate our bodies, we hate people… and all we do is talk about these things…. BITCH about these things. If we put half of our energy into creating things that we adore instead of complaining about the things we abhor we may actually have a happy thoughts, that may lead to happy moods, that lead to happy lives.

I get that things can be bad. I get that there is a lot to fight in this world, but the point is to fight for, not fight against. I don’t want to spend my life fighting against one man. I want to spend my life fighting for ideas, and causes, and people. I want to spend my life talking about things that I love and why they are so wonderful and why they deserve to be respected and cherished.

I think about my son. He is 4 years old. He hates bedtime and broccoli.. you know what he never talks about? Bedtime and broccoli. Even when it’s what I’m trying to make him do these things. He doesn’t cry about how he hates bedtime. He cries and sometimes negotiates something that he does want. When I say that it’s time for bed his response isn’t “I hate bed and I never want to go to bed” his response is, “I want to play a game/watch TV/read a book” and because he concentrates on things that he wants and not what he doesn’t want a lot of times there is compromise. A lot of times I will say, “Ok, if you brush your teeth, potty, and get on your pjs without a fight and you can get one more book” it works. Just yelling “I hate bed!” doesn’t accomplish anything. There is no alternative to getting what he does want.

So you hate Trump, all men cheat, and you don’t want to give up yummy food to be thin.. great… but what do you want instead. Where is the focus? Who are you going to vote FOR in 2020? Do all men really cheat and if so are you wanting to switch teams or are you ok staying single until you meet someone who doesn’t… while letting go of the ones that do? What are you willing to do to reach your health goal? Maybe you want to be able to eat that piece of chocolate but that means extra minutes at the gym or joining a sport or hiking that peak. Don’t tell me what you don’t want.. tell me what you do.

coaching, Law of Attraction, Motivation, Wellness, women

What’s your story?

What was your first thought this morning? If you are like most people you were mumbling about it almost being Friday and how you can’t wait for your day to be over so that you can be done with work and one step closer to your day off. If you’re like most your  grumbling and sassing your way through a crappy day of work just wishing yourself closer to death.

68a2cce32ddfc9b67177553c0881b2b1I remember the first time I realized that. It was about 15 years ago and I was working some customer service job watching the clock tick away. I was wishing those moments would disappear so that I may get on to something really important… like going home and watching TV.. yup.. my life was exciting. I couldn’t wait to get out of my own life and go watch someone else pretend to have a more entertaining life than I did.

Wow.. how pathetic is that when I say it out loud?

It has always amazed me the things that people are willing to put up with out of convenience. It has also amazed me how miserable people can feel over minor inconveniences. Some people have hard labor jobs, they are cleaning, or building, or hauling.. they work their bodies to the extreme and run themselves ragged for very little money. Other’s have boring jobs in which they sit at a desk all day and work with computers and talk to people and they make very little money… both spend their lives complaining about the pitfalls of their jobs, both are exhausted at the end of the day… both wish they could do anything else.

Then there are others who work hard labor jobs, they are cleaners, or builders.. they love being active, they love their accomplishments, they love creating or conceiving what ever it is that they do. They don’t care how much money they make because they are happy that they get to work moving their bodies and feeling as though they have made a difference. Other’s sit at a desk in an office working on a computer and talking to people all day and feel privileged that they don’t have to do labor, that they get to be in climate controlled environment and don’t have to break their back to earn a paycheck.. some even feel as though their work has merit and meaning.

Our lives have become a competition, not of who is the most successful, but of who has the most to bitch about. We create more and more conflicts in our lives so that we have something to talk about, something to one up another. “Oh, you hate your job? Well, I got laid off, at least you have a job”.. “Oh, your husband doesn’t help around the house.. mine cheated on me” and so on. We get ourselves into drama or monotony just so we can banter and whine.

When I asked myself why I stayed at the job where I was counting away minutes till my death I had basic reasons.. it paid, adequately, I had friends there, it was easier than getting something else. And there you have it. Complacency. It’s easier to be miserable and commiserate with other miserable people than it was to make a change.

That is not how I wanted to live my life. That is not how I wanted to waste the 50 or so years I had left on this planet. I looked around at all the friends around me and I wondered how any of them would actually feel if I started to succeed. Would they be happy for me or would they be resentful if I broke the chain and made something of myself… and if they wouldn’t be completely ecstatic for me.. were they worth me being miserable to keep them?

If in order to keep the life I had and be with the people that I had come to call my friends I had to slowly wish my life away was any of it worth it? Was it really so scary to write up a resume, to call for an interview, to make a change? Was stagnation really the best that I could hope for in life? Mediocrity. Relationships without compassion. A career without excitement. A life without passion.

I decided right there and then that I would never stare at the clock and wish for me to be 15 mins closer to death. I have had struggles in my life since that moment. I have had major losses and unemployment and even loneliness at times, but I have never once felt like I was settling. I have never once felt like I wasn’t working on making the life that I want and the life that I deserve. Of course nothing is ever perfect and nothing is ever easy.. but it can’t be great without risk.. and it can’t be amazing without abandon.

 

bullying, coaching, Healthcare, Motivation, parenting, Politics, school shootings

No one wants to talk.. they just want to win.

th (1)It amazes me the lengths people will go just to be right. A “friend” on Facebook just published a video about how the Left is so hypocritical that they are up in arms about illegal children but don’t try to do anything to stop children being killed here by guns and drugs… when I pointed out that the left has tried to put through policies for gun control and mental health he stated that no one was upset when Obama took the kids from their illegal parents.. when I cited articles that stated that Obama, though he held families and unaccompanied minors in detention centers, he didn’t actually separate babies from their moms. He then spent the next hour defending the policy to anyone willing to comment.

He said that the illegals shouldn’t be breaking the law, that, “How bad can their countries really be that they’d have to risk getting their kids taken away?”. When it was pointed out that some of the countries they are fleeing are violent, and that little girls are being raped and boys are being forced to join armies or drug cartels.. he said that we, as Americans, should just invade their “shithole” countries and take them over.

When it was pointed out that we could easily save the money that would be spent on wars and just aid those who wanted to leave he argued back that it’s not our job to save other people and that they just needed to stop breaking the law.. that just because he wants a new Escalade doesn’t mean he can just take one. He apparently didn’t understand the difference between protecting the lives of their children from rape and murder and getting a new expensive toy.

He went on and on about how if he breaks the law that he would have his children taken away.. even though it was explained that this is just a misdemeanor and no one would have their kids taken away for that.. and even if the kids were taken away in the case of a felony.. they wouldn’t be placed in a detention center. He argued in favor of this policy over and over and spoke of it’s praises and why it should be supported and how it’s all the illegals’ faults for being criminals… then he threw a curve ball and said that Trump had tried to change the policy but that Congress wouldn’t let him.

Obviously this confused me, so is the policy fabulous and right and deserves to be in place.. or is it horrible and bad and Trump is trying to change it? He told me that I was just trying to start an argument. I explained that while I enjoy a fact filled discussion this “argument” just took a turn.. he was no longer supporting his point. He was just going against “the Left” for the sake of it.

The original post was about the Left didn’t care about American children.. when it was pointed out that they did and were blocked in making changes.. he spent his time trying to prove why the Left was wrong for being disgusted by this policy.. then, in a sudden switch, said that this BAD policy wasn’t even Trump’s fault…. uuummm what?

I have noticed this is a growing trend. People don’t want to talk about facts or come up with a resolution.. they just want to be right. They will flop subjects or sides mid conversation just to save face. They make the most inflammatory comments just to confuse and befuddle their “opponent”. No one wants to help, no one wants to resolve.. people only want to win… even if by winning everyone loses.

bullying, coaching, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, parenting, Politics, Prayer, religion

The father, the sun? the Holy what?

I just got back from church and today’s topic was a heated one that has been debated for millennia by theologians and novice alike.  What is the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit?  They are 3 different things… but yet all the same. The priest at my church discussed the different analogies used, like St Patrick and his shamrock, the theory that they were like the different stages of water, or some other that God was the sun, the light was Jesus and the warmth was the Holy Spirit. He concluded by saying that we may never understand, but that ours was not to know. Ours was to believe. That all would be clear after death.

Now, I know a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes. This is one of the problems that religion has. Everything must be taken as fact and believed without proof… but, in my humble opinion, proof is suspect.

If I tell someone that I believe that the world is amazing, that I find awe in a sunset, in the way that life renews itself, in the fact that water does only change and that because of it’s necessity in life it is incapable of ceasing to exist, that child birth and the bond created, no one would bat an eye. If I made a casual comment about how the “universe” is incredible that it was able to contrive such a masterpiece. Everyone would agree. If I said, “God is incredible”, I would get scoffs and eye rolls. If I said, “Allah is incredible” I would have Homeland security bugging my phones. If I said, “The Goddess is incredible” I’d get men claiming I’m a feminazi.

Vocabulary causes 90% of all problems in this world. I was talking with another mother the other day about cliques and how they separate kids, especially in high school. Humans are designed as a tribe species. We need other’s in order to survive. From the time of early man (you can choose your own origin) we needed each other for protection. We needed help with our young, help with hunting, and gathering, and babysitting. We needed to be with others who would love us as their own in order to ensure the continuation of our species.

Since most of the breeding happened within these tribes it started to create homogeneous looking, speaking, and so forth groups that created societies and cultures. When those from outside came into that tribe it was survival to be suspect, most people who ventured outside of their homeland were not looking to join another, they were looking to conquer, or pillage. There is nothing new about this. If an area ran out of food, they needed to find a new place that was full with food. If someone else was already there then they were an obstacle keeping your tribe from said food.

Most of us learned about the Roman Empire, the British Empire, the Vikings… and even the Europeans who came and “discovered” America. They did this not to assimilate or to help those who the “found”. They did it to get as much as they could for those who were like them… for their tribe. This is just how human nature works, and this is unfortunate.

If anyone ever bothered to talk to each other they would realize how alike they really are. How much people actually agree and just use different words for the same things. I’m not talking about the politics that go along with ideas, that’s where the tribes culture starts to come in to affect, but the main ideas behind the religion, the philosophy, the values are the same.

I was speaking with a Native American Owl Priestess and she was joking about the Twix commercial in which they use the example of the left and right Twix being the same as a bouncer and a doorman being the same.. or a spirit and a ghost being the same. Growing up I heard the Holy Ghost and the Holy Spirit interchanged. I’ve heard Jesus and God interchanged. I’ve heard Allah is what Muslims call God. Today in church they said how “God is Abba.. meaning Father” which is true. Abba is the Arabic word for Father… because Jesus WAS ARABIC.

These books that everyone follow are transcribed over and over from one tribe to the next, in one language to the next, and for anyone who ever saw the News Radio episode when Jimmy James’s book was translated to Japanese and then back, you would know how much even one word being changed can make a difference. The Bible has been translated how many times? In how many languages? And the Apostles shared their word literally by walking about and talking to people.. and then the story was verbally passed down… a game of telephone, anyone?

Now that’s not to say that it’s all a lie, or that I don’t believe. I, personally believe that anything is possible until proven otherwise.. it makes life much more interesting. Thanks to scientists and archaeologists many events and people that are talked about in the Bible… both versions.. have been found to be true. So, then the question lies in, how did things happen.

On the history channel I saw a show on the science behind Moses’s miracles, and how because of certain flooding and iron draining into the sea it made the water look red, and how the locust happen through because of a weather change.. and so on.. so scientists say that they PROVED God didn’t do these things.. that science did. I say semantics.

A while ago I read Dan Brown’s book Origin. I don’t want to give any SPOILERS but in it one of the characters proves that there is no God because everything can be explained by computer code. There is a real life Theoretical Physicist who agrees and questions whether or not we really live in the Matrix because of it. But those that believe in God just say.. “ok, then who wrote the code?”. Just because things can be explained by science doesn’t mean that God didn’t use that science to create the universe.

Neil deGrasse Tyson was interviewed about his belief in God and explained that he did not believe in isms.. much like Ferris Bueller. I agree with his logic. If I told you that I am a Christian then you would automatically assume certain things about me. If I explained that I am actually a Catholic it may change your thoughts a little.. I may seem more Democrat than Republican… If I said that I love to study Quantum Physics… that may throw a monkey wrench in yet another theory…. and there in lies the problem with vocabulary.

If you want to know who someone is don’t judge them based on who you think they are based on what you believe someone “like them” would, should, or could be. Talk to them… ask them what they believe, who they are, and what they feel. You’ll probably be surprised how much you have in common.

bullying, coaching, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, Prayer, religion, Wellness, women

Is all love conditional?

Love… I mean real unconditional love. It was the topic of last week’s Mass at my church. Now, before you roll your eyes and click off, I am not here to spread my religion… nor do I believe there is only one spiritual path, and everyone is allowed to choose their own. The one thing that I do know is that any, and all spiritual awakenings begin and end with love. This does not mean romantic love, though it seems lately that’s the only kind people are actually interested. I mean true unconditional love.

charlie-brown-happy-valentines-cute-greetings-animated-gif-2Five years ago I became a mother. I thought I knew what love was before that. I had no idea. I had been in many relationships, some good some bad. I had one divorce behind me and another relationship that was headed for disaster. I had no idea how to love any of those men, but my son. That was easy. Loving my son was like breathing. I did it before I even met him. I loved him the second I saw that second line on the little stick telling me he existed. Though I didn’t even know that he was a he.

Two years and one month after my son was born my father died. That was my second lesson in love. True, unconditional love. The kind of love that… well, never dies. I was lucky. Growing up I knew that my father loved me. There was never any doubt. He said it and showed it everyday. Now, that didn’t mean he didn’t punish me when I acted up, or that he didn’t put me in my place when I needed, but he never made me doubt myself or him. My father was the one person I truly knew would always be there for me. He may have laughed at me when I did stupid things, and he may have wished me to make better choices at times, but he never once gave up on me, or made me feel like I was anything but capable and my life was full of possibilities.

I remember thinking a lot about family after that. I remember thinking about my past relationships and how or why they failed. I remember feeling like family was everything, and that the reason it is so is because we never give up on each other, and we never judge each other.

I have a brother. He and I couldn’t be more different if we were hatched from eggs on different sides of the planet. We like different music. We are on opposite sides of everything political. He thinks any kind of self help or therapy is a waste of time and feelings are for suckers. To him money and power are first and foremost… yet… When I needed his help; he was there. When I told him my plans for my business, he said, “I think you’ll be good at that”. He doesn’t have to agree with me or my beliefs to love me. Nor I his.

Last week in Mass, Father…. which ever one… talked about unconditional love in terms of Jesus.. and I get that, it’s kind of his thing, but he brought it around to the rest of us. He talked about how it’s the thing that is missing in the world today. We don’t like people who don’t look like us. Why should we help people who don’t live by us? If someone somewhere on the internet does something differently than we do… especially in parenting.. we basically commit a public stoning in the comments section.

We have forgotten to love. We have forgotten to love thy neighbor, where ever they may live. We have forgotten to love and respect our parents, and instead throw them in home when they become a burden. Most importantly, we have forgotten to show unconditional love to the person who matters the most. Ourselves. We bash ourselves. We poke fun at ourselves. We hate ourselves on a regular basis.

The words and phrases I mentioned above come from a particular text that you may or may not believe in, but that doesn’t lessen what they say. If I said that Jesus was not the son of God, but was the Tony Robbins of his day, just trying to help people be the best versions of them-self would that make a difference in your interpretations of those phrases? Does it matter who gives the advice if it’s the right advice? Does it matter how the words got corrupted if the source was genuine?

Nike’s tagline is “Just do it”. It’s simple yet elegant. It’s about getting out and being.. being active, being you.. just do it… They don’t even pretend to tell you what “it” is. They leave it to you to figure out for yourself. It is amazing advice. Yet, if some executive came out and said the “it” in “just do it” was “buy the shoes”. Just buy the shoes! Does that lessen the expression or the original intent? Nike originally paid a graphic designer just $35 for their trademark swoosh. They have since made billions of dollars and it’s one of the most recognizable logos of our time, does that change it’s worth. Does it change your opinion on the phrase, “just do it”? What if your knew that that slogan came from one of the founders of an ad agencies last words (I just Googled it.. maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not) does it matter?

If you believe that love, specifically unconditional love, is important. If you believe that you deserve that love; that everyone deserves that love… why does it matter who said it? Why does it matter where the message came from? And… what’s stopping you?

coaching, Love, Motivation, women

When he says “He’ll change”

One question comes up a lot in my practice… can people change? This seems like a simple enough question but alas, that’s not how life works. Do I believe that people can change, of course. I wouldn’t be in the industry if I didn’t. I know that I have changed and bettered myself over the last 3 years. I know that many of my clients have bettered themselves. I know that many of my friends have changed.. good and bad. But here’s the thing. A person has to want to change… and no one can change someone else.

th (1)This question hardly ever comes from a client about themself. Most of the time this comes from a client (usually a woman) about someone else (usually a boyfriend). The man in her life cheated, abused her, was an addict of some sort, but she still loves him and is holding out hope that he will change… because that’s what he tells her. The problem is that they don’t change.

Change is a huge thing. Change takes a lot of work, and usually as the addicts will tell you, come from hitting rock bottom, or at least feeling a loss. Most people are quite happy being content. Being the smallest version of themself because it is easy. A person will stay at a job that they hate that barely pays the bills because they know it.. they have it… they don’t need to actually DO anything. If that person gets laid off and suddenly HAS to make a change they are much more likely to do something drastic to change their circumstance.

Maybe they’ll go back to school. Maybe they’ll apply for a supervisor position at their next job. Maybe they’ll just look in an industry that they are more interested in, but until that layoff they are “fine”. The same thing can be said about relationships. If a man can be with a woman that he doesn’t have to respect, that he can cheat on, that he can abuse.. and he knows that she is willing to take him back…  then NO he won’t change. If he knows that he can leave her and get another woman out there that he can abuse, cheat on, or just plain treat like crap… then NO he won’t change.

No one is going to change for you. I’m sorry. I know that you are wonderful. That anyone would be lucky to have you, but no one is changing for you. In order for a person to change they have to want to change for themself. A person changes because they are no longer able to get what they want.

Now some women take that as… “well, I told him that I wouldn’t take him back if he didn’t change… so that’s him not getting what he wants… and so now that he says that he changed.. he must have”… NO! He lost nothing. He has changed nothing. Now, perhaps he will lose you… and perhaps it will be enough to make him change and he will meet someone new that he will treat better… great for THEM. That does NOT mean that he will change for you.. with you! And more often than not they don’t change at all. They just meet a new girl they can abuse. Ask any of his other exes… he probably said the same thing to them.

So, simply put… Yes, anyone can change… if they choose to do so. But No.. no one is going to change FOR someone else. People only change FOR themselves, and you need to let them do that on their own.

bullying, coaching, Giving, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, Uncategorized, Wellness, women

What happens when we forgive.

Forgiveness, it’s something people talk a lot about, but I don’t think most people understand. Most people think of forgiveness in terms of the old adage “forgive and forget” but that implies that forgiveness is about the other person. It implies that you’re letting someone off the hook for their bad behavior or for hurting you, but that’s not the way that I see forgiveness.

To me forgiveness is letting go.. not for them, but for you. I recently had an ex contact me. We’ve images (11)all had this ex.. in fact it wouldn’t surprise me if we all had this exact same ex, he did tend to get around.. I digress. This ex put me through the ringer. He was a huge cheat, great at gaslighting and making himself appear the victim while trying to make you feel like he wouldn’t have to cheat, or blow you off, or whatever damaging thing he did, if you didn’t_____ fill in with what ever you feel is your biggest flaw is.

For years this man plagued every relationship that I was in. He would contact me in an effort to get back together swearing that he changed. He never did. I got to the point that I ran so hard and fast away from him that I married the next man to come along.. not because I loved him, but because I never wanted to feel love again. He still played with me and I ended up ending my marriage. I put on 10s of pounds with my self esteem crashing into the abyss. He was both the man of my dreams and the reason why I could never trust another man as long as I lived. He was a huge scar that didn’t seem like it could ever heal.

After dealing with his crap for almost a decade I finally walked away. I was with, who I thought, was a great guy. I ended up having the most amazing little boy in the world. I had huge REAL tragedies and wonderful adventures, all without him. I went through the hardest year of my life, and even though I had the urge to call him so he could “make me feel better”, the more that I thought about him, the more I realized he just caused me pain.

That led to the opposite affect. Instead of wanting to call him I started to get angry at him. Blaming him for wasting so many of my years. Years that I could have met someone else. Years that I could have started a family earlier and given my father and son a chance to actually know each other. This created a fierce bitterness in me, and it started to bleed into other things that I did. I had real trouble creating any form of relationship. I had trouble trusting men at all, but I knew that I didn’t want to live like that.

I have spent the last 3 years working on every aspect of my life. I have concentrated on being the best mother that I can be. I have focused on becoming healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I have created a life and a person that I really enjoy, but there was always something nagging at me. A song would come on the radio, or someone who make a face or use a phrase that I would say and that pain would strike like a hot dagger and I my blood would begin to boil. I hated him, and I started to question why. Why did I give this man that I knew in my 20s so much power over who I have become in my 40s. It has now been almost a decade since I have seen him and I still feeling trapped by him. Trapped by the feelings of wanting him and hating him.

He has followed me on many social media platforms over the years and came up on my Linkedin a couple months ago. In my haste to delete the suggestion I accidentally went into his profile.. that of course got me thinking about him and all of the damage that I needed to let go of. I ended up looking back at his profile one night… debating on whether or not to break down and just contact him when a contact request came in. I just went for it. I accepted the request and within 5 seconds there was a message from him.

It was all very pleasant. We caught up. He asked about my son whom he had seen on one of the social media platforms. He asked about his father and told me he was sorry to hear about mine passing. We talked about the basic stuff that anyone catching up would talk about. Then he asked me why I accepted his request after all of this time, and the truth is that I needed to. I needed to forgive him not for his sake but for my own. I needed to forgive myself for all the time I wasted being angry. I needed to talk to him again to see that he wasn’t the devil, but just some guy with just as much damage and confusion in his life as we all have. I had to take my power back.

And you know what? It felt really good. I may never talk to him again, or we could become those people that check in every once in a while just because, or he could even become my next best friend.. anything is possible. But the one thing he won’t be is a drain, because I deserve better than that.

coaching, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, Uncategorized, Wellness, women

What’s Enough?

I am enough. This has become the new mantra of the era (mostly by women) and I don’t get it. Since when is being “enough” something to aspire to? I understand that we live in a time when women are struggling to create their own space, but when I think about where I want women to go from here, it’s not to be “enough”. If I am in a relationship I don’t want that relationship or that man to be “good enough”. I don’t want my career to pay me “enough” or for it to be satisfying “enough”.

Enough is where life sucks. Enough is where everything becomes monotonous. This is where most people, especially women,  feel guilty for wanting more. We have been trained to give to others, to be happy with what we get, to not complain, and don’t get me wrong, being grateful for the little things is a powerful tool… to help you create MORE. Because that’s the real goal in life.

How many people are out there at the same crap job, dating the same crap people,41ZHe5vMUCL complaining about the same fat hips, without actually changing anything? This is because of “enough”. People who have enough or feel that they are enough are comfortable. They are not necessarily happy, but they are comfortable.

They go to the job that pays just enough to pay the bills, that have just enough perks to not make them want to jump out the window every Monday. They swipe right on the person whose profile looks good enough to maybe meet, and when we’re out with them if they’re not a complete sleaze we may consider them good enough to see again. We are healthy enough… because we’re alive and medication can offset the rest. We are happy enough.. because we’re not completely miserable.

I don’t know about you, but that is not the life that I want to live. I don’t want to be on my death bed and think, “eh, good enough”. I want to LIVE. I want to be exceptional. Now there are a lot of people that will tell you that is crazy. That very few people are actually exceptional.. which is what makes them so, but I don’t believe that. I believe we all have different ideas of what perfect and wonderful and amazing are. I believe that some may need to sky dive and others just need a day at the beach. Every person is looking for Mr./Mrs. Right.. but that doesn’t mean perfect, it means perfect for them. But alas we settle. We settle for the person that we work with or met in college because it’s easy and it’s been so long what’s the point of changing. We settle for the right swipe, because at lease they kinda looked like their pic and what else is out there? We settle for the job that we’ve been at for 10 years because we have bills to pay so why take a chance?

To that my response is WHY THE HELL NOT?!??!? I’m not saying get a divorce, quit your job, and move to Costa Rico.. though I’m not saying not to. What I am saying is look at what you are putting up with. Look at what is “good enough” about your life, and figure out how you would make it better. Don’t settle for being enough.. don’t settle period.

 

bullying, coaching, Health, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, Uncategorized, women

How do you treat people?

I see it all the time. At least a few times a day on some social feed about how we should change the way we treat people based on how they treat us. If someone is an ass to you of course it gives you the right to be an ass to them. If you are good to someone and they take advantage of you then you have the right to take advantage me them, and of course, you shouldn’t even expect someone to treat you well.. as no one does.

downloadHow is any of this good? How is it that we have become a society of “screw you then” . Now, don’t get me wrong, if someone treats you badly then you should not put up with it. You should not just take it. You should stand up for yourself and demand respect… but that is very different than disrespecting someone else.

I talk to women everyday who have seriously bad situations that they are working through. Some are in abusive relationships, some are being assaulted or degraded at work, and some just feel underappreciated by everyone around them, and obviously they are in need of help. They are in need of finding a better way. What they do not need is to become the abusers, the degrading, or the lose the ability to appreciate.

We are how we react to others. That’s it. We are who our thoughts and our actions. We are not how other’s treat us, or what other’s say about us. We are what we say. So when someone says that they now have the right to be an ass to someone because “they started it” what does that make us? When we say, “what goes around comes around” or “why should I be good to anyone if no one is good to me?” who are we becoming?

I have always been the type of person to help when someone was down. I have always been the person that they could call when they needed help moving, or a little extra money, or a ride to the airport. I have always been the type of person that kept Advil in my desk in case anyone needed it. What I am not is the person who gets mad when my Advil runs out or when everyone else is too busy to help me move. It doesn’t help my headache.. and it won’t create a great environment for my new abode.

If someone else is there for you, GREAT! Appreciate that person and that moment. If someone else is struggling with their own world and can’t take a minute and put energydownload (1) into yours.. respect that too. There are very few people out there who are trying to harm others… regardless of what the media portrays. There are very few people out there wishing you harm. Do other’s sometimes have so much garbage going on in their lives that they can’t always take the time to think about you… yes.. of course! But that doesn’t require a “Anyone can make time if it matters” because that’s just not true. Yes, people have priories… but people also have their own personal garbage. They have the, “I don’t have the money to go out” and the “my house is too messy to invite others over” and the all favorite… “I’ve put on too much weight for anyone to see me” these are things that go through everyone’s head.

Now of course there are those situations where someone is actually bad to you. The SO that cheats on you, or steals from you, or beats you… No, do not “put up with” this behavior.. but do not get “even” either. If they break the law, by all means call the police and let them deal with it. If they broke your heart, take the lesson and move on, but this is not an excuse to harass them, cheat on them, steal from them, or ruin their lives. That is not going to help your life. This is not going to make you feel better or help you move on to something that is good for you. This is not going to make you a better person.

I know that we, as human beings, can feel that jealousy and vengeance is the normal.. and it is.. but it’s not helpful or healthy. It just keeps us reliving those negative feelings and digging ourselves deeper into a hole we may never escape. So the next time you feel hurt or slighted, don’t react.. just act.. like the person that you want to be.

 

bullying, coaching, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, parenting, Uncategorized, Wellness, Women's movement

What purpose does your anger serve?

How often do we find ourselves holding on to some past slight with both hands as if letting go would prove to be a sign of weakness? How often do we feel as though we need to validate every action that we take as proof that we are better than some bugger from our past treated us?

I look around at this world, at social media, at the news and I find it very difficult to see the good that I know is out there. It seems that everyone has their chip on their shoulder or their person or group or reason to blame for something not going right in their life, or their happiness not being met.

I started following a single parent group on social media and every post that they put up was some sort of male bashing, I am woman hear me roar, cliche… Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for girl power, but not at the sake of half the population, and not all single parents are women. I, personally, was raised by a single dad who belonged to that same organization.

When I commented as such and that we shouldn’t be placing blame on any specific side, the moderator responded, “well, it can be used for men too”. That wasn’t the point. Firstly, none of the posts were about men, and secondly, most of the time when a marriage falls apart there is not one side to blame. Most of the time there is plenty of blame to go around so to have a support group who posts things that fan the flames of anger seems the opposite of support.

Part of growing is understanding what we have done wrong in our past. It’s understanding our faults and our mistakes and missteps so we can learn to avoid them in the future. If we spend all of our time ranting in our “support” groups about how we were wronged, or how every bad thing that happened fell upon the shoulders of another, then we are no more prepared for our next journey than we were for our last.

When I think of empowerment I do not think of all the ways that we are better than someone else. I do not think of all the things that we can and should be doing to bring down another person or group. I think of ways that we should raise ourselves and each other up. We do not need to steps on the heads of our perceived enemies in order to rise, we just need to give each other a hand or a leg up.

There is plenty of anger and resentment in this world, and it doesn’t actually help anyone. This isn’t just a male/female issue either, it’s time we let go of all of it. That bully from 3rd grade probably either doesn’t remember you so it’s not worth letting them have power over you now, or had more issues in his life than you could have in a lifetime and didn’t know how to express is. That teacher that made learning impossible was one year… how many years ago? Your parents… oh God.. your parents were a mess.. yup.. they were human. They made mistakes. They made poor choices… maybe they were straight up a**holes, but who cares? I mean really… they messed up enough of your years as a child, now you are the adult and you have the ability to make your own choices. Are you going to be one of those adults, like your parents, who constantly makes the wrong ones, or are you going to step up and learn from those mistakes.

I see so many people who make excuses about why they can’t hold jobs, or have good relationships, or be good parents, and usually it’s because of how someone treated them in the past. How does that make any sense? You are telling me that you have the right to be a loser.. because your parents were losers and you hated them for it? Umm… not to sound to harsh, but grow up.. live YOUR life. Tomorrow your parents will be gone, that bully will be a memory, and those feelings… they can either percolate and control your future, or they can be released.. and you can understand that no one, not even parents or teachers, are perfect. That we all have our demons. We all make our own choices based on our own limited experiences… which experiences do you want to shape your life? Which life do you want to grow?