Addiction, coaching, Law of Attraction, Love, Motivation, parenting, women

Is true love actually possible?

I had an interesting conversation today with a woman who I have been getting to know. She is currently married, though not very happily, and she said that she doesn’t think she knows anyone who is truly happily married. She said that she is not even sure that true love exists or that any man is capable of truly loving her. This was not said as a self esteem problem. This was not doubting her worth. It was doubting the capability of the man.

I found this especially interesting because I have been in a few relationships over my life, though I am single now, and I know that 3 of them have loved me completely. I know that there is no doubt in my mind that their love was real. The first 2 were mostly timing and growing. We were in our 20s when we got together and though the love and relationships were nice, as we got older we just grew apart.

The last was my son’s father. We loved each other fiercely and unconditionally. There was no doubt in my mind about that. Now, that did not mean that we had to stay together. In fact we loved each other and our son so much that we eventually realized that being apart was the best option. He was an addict. He had demons that he just couldn’t get away from, and eventually they killed him. But I loved him, and he loved me completely.

We were constantly off and on depending on his sobriety. This was very confusing and disruptive to our son. Eventually I had to just put an end to it. Not because I didn’t love him, and not because he didn’t love me.. but because we both loved our son.

I think that the problem with finding “true love” is that people want the fairytale, but no one lives “happily ever after”. There are always problems, and there are always lulls, and people are always taken for granted as time goes on. None of that has to do with love.. I used to say that love is not a feeling.. it is a verb. Love is an action that we have to do everyday. I am a huge Doctor Who fan, and in an episode he states that “Love is a promise” and I feel that too.

When we were first thinking about and discussing having a family Neil and I talked about a lot of things. We were planning on getting married.. we were just saving up. I wanted a HUGE affair.. I never got it. He relapsed and my father died and after a while a wedding wasn’t all that important. But my FAMILY was. That’s what we had decided when we chose to have our son. We are now family. We will love each other forever. There was no leaving. Again.. that does not mean that we had to stay romantically linked or even live in the same house. When it became dangerous I had to tell him to leave.. but it did mean that I was always his first phone call and he was always mine.

I recently remembered a time, about 6 months after my father had passed and Neil was out of rehab and things were getting good again. I had spent most of that time in yoga pants and a messy bun. On this particular day I put on real people clothes.. just jeans, but it was something. I let my hair down AND BRUSHED IT. I even put on a little makeup. I didn’t think much of it. I was just having a day that I could breath again. I walked into the dining room not thinking about it and I heard him audibly gasp. I actually took his breath away. He was even a little embarrassed by it, but he just said, “you look beautiful”. I remember how that made me feel. After months of grieving my father and over a year of heartache over Neil’s relapse I had been in quite a depression.. and there he was. Telling me how beautiful I look.. telling me that I actually take his breath away.

This man had seen me at my worst. He saw our son being sliced out of me “Aliens” style.. and I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He loved me.. and I him… and nothing bad that ever happened between us ever changed that.

After he died I had some conversations with his mother and some of his friends. They told me how through all of our ups and downs that he never said a bad thing about me. That he always talked about how amazing I was. How strong I was. What a great mom I am. He loved me.. emotionally.. and in his words and actions everyday. Even on his worst days.. he kept his promise.

Love is not a cure all. Love is not how it ends.. True love.. is family.. it’s forever. It’s calling them on their shit.. and telling them when you’re proud.. it’s taking the call when they overdosed and crashed their car. It’s cleaning up their sick father’s poop… it’s knowing.. that no matter what has happened between you, and no matter where anyone lives.. that person always wants what’s best for you and always has your back.

coaching, Love, Motivation, women

When he says “He’ll change”

One question comes up a lot in my practice… can people change? This seems like a simple enough question but alas, that’s not how life works. Do I believe that people can change, of course. I wouldn’t be in the industry if I didn’t. I know that I have changed and bettered myself over the last 3 years. I know that many of my clients have bettered themselves. I know that many of my friends have changed.. good and bad. But here’s the thing. A person has to want to change… and no one can change someone else.

th (1)This question hardly ever comes from a client about themself. Most of the time this comes from a client (usually a woman) about someone else (usually a boyfriend). The man in her life cheated, abused her, was an addict of some sort, but she still loves him and is holding out hope that he will change… because that’s what he tells her. The problem is that they don’t change.

Change is a huge thing. Change takes a lot of work, and usually as the addicts will tell you, come from hitting rock bottom, or at least feeling a loss. Most people are quite happy being content. Being the smallest version of themself because it is easy. A person will stay at a job that they hate that barely pays the bills because they know it.. they have it… they don’t need to actually DO anything. If that person gets laid off and suddenly HAS to make a change they are much more likely to do something drastic to change their circumstance.

Maybe they’ll go back to school. Maybe they’ll apply for a supervisor position at their next job. Maybe they’ll just look in an industry that they are more interested in, but until that layoff they are “fine”. The same thing can be said about relationships. If a man can be with a woman that he doesn’t have to respect, that he can cheat on, that he can abuse.. and he knows that she is willing to take him back…  then NO he won’t change. If he knows that he can leave her and get another woman out there that he can abuse, cheat on, or just plain treat like crap… then NO he won’t change.

No one is going to change for you. I’m sorry. I know that you are wonderful. That anyone would be lucky to have you, but no one is changing for you. In order for a person to change they have to want to change for themself. A person changes because they are no longer able to get what they want.

Now some women take that as… “well, I told him that I wouldn’t take him back if he didn’t change… so that’s him not getting what he wants… and so now that he says that he changed.. he must have”… NO! He lost nothing. He has changed nothing. Now, perhaps he will lose you… and perhaps it will be enough to make him change and he will meet someone new that he will treat better… great for THEM. That does NOT mean that he will change for you.. with you! And more often than not they don’t change at all. They just meet a new girl they can abuse. Ask any of his other exes… he probably said the same thing to them.

So, simply put… Yes, anyone can change… if they choose to do so. But No.. no one is going to change FOR someone else. People only change FOR themselves, and you need to let them do that on their own.