bullying, parenting

That’s not bullying.. that’s assault!

This is not a typical whiny old person rant… I am dead serious. What is wrong with kids today. I just read an article about a 10 year old boy who was set on fire by one of his classmates. SET ON FIRE!!! How does that happen? Who in their right mind thinks that it’s ok to SET SOMEONE ON FIRE?!?!?!

kaydenI just don’t get it. I have never been one of those people who was all up in arms about bullying. I’ve never approved, even as a kid, but always kind of thought that it was a right of passage. I grew up in the 80s when kids were stuffed in lockers and lunch money was taken. Classic bullies like you saw on TV. I always thought they were jerks, and my dad always taught me to stand up to a bully and that “nothing hurt like a punch in the nose”. It really was kid stuff.

Setting someone on fire is not kid’s stuff. Nor is pouring superglue on someone’s head and causing burns, nor is shooting up a school. I just don’t understand what has happened. I had to go to an “Active Shooter Drill” at my son’s preschool this past week. Seriously?!?!? This is the new generation?

I am not even sure who to blame for this. Some are blaming parents, some the media, some the parents for letting their kids watch the media.. there’s movies and video games and all the like, but really? My dad grew up watching cowboys and Indians, he didn’t blaze through the school with a shot gun. I grew up watching Star Wars, I didn’t run through the town with a blaster… though at least if I did, I wouldn’t actually hit anyone.

Violence is not a new concept in entertainment. Before movies and TV there were books4c0e85d8762200be32f31f1c6f5c61c7 and stories. Death and destruction was par for the course. Have you ever read the true Grimm fairy tales? I had nightmares from Edgar Allen Poe, there was Shakespeare and Homer and on and on… but there has never been such a violent generation.

The scary thing is violence isn’t just the bullies, the victims are seeing it as their only way out. Most school shootings are perpetuated by those who were bullied and then there’s the suicides, which is violence to ones self. Just google “kids commit suicide for bullying” and pages come up. And these aren’t angsty 16 year-old’s, they are 13, 11 and even 9! At nine I was still playing with dolls! How can this actually be reality?

People talk about the mental health system failing, but these kids have barely hit puberty. They’re still getting stickers from their pediatrician for being a “good boy/girl”. Are we going to have to start psychological testing in pre-school? I am normally not one to blame parents. I understand how difficult it is. I am a single mom. I was raised by a single dad. No one can be there 24/7, but come on, you have to see something. I’m not saying it’s the parents fault that the child has killed other’s or themselves. I’m saying that we, as parents, are the first line of defense.

If you see that your kid is moody, or withdrawing, or having trouble you know it. Don’t just pretend it away. If you hear about your kid being nasty or mean to other’s step in. Don’t just assume that “kids will be kids” because kids are not kids anymore. They are lost and disturbed. If you don’t have the answers, that’s ok, that’s not your job.. but talk to the teachers, talk to the guidance counselor at school Most people have insurance today, therapy is covered.

I understand that there is a stigma behind therapy and people don’t want to feel or be treated like there’s something wrong with them… but that has to stop! Even if you, as the parent start going to a family therapist first for ideas on how to help your child and then ask your child to join you. Then they will think it is more about you than them. I, personally started my son in therapy about a month ago and he’s only 3. He has been through a lot of loss in his short life (my father, who we lived, with passed away, and my son’s father is not very consistent). When it was time for my son to start pre-school I wanted help with how to deal with the separation anxiety that he was going to experience.

It is pretty much common knowledge that most bullies are just people with their own self-esteem problems who are trying to make themselves feel better by putting others down. It 12033164_499509056920652_6337032704963096023_n-600x800is clear that we, as a nation, are not raising strong independent kids with healthy self esteem. Bullying, violence, drugs, suicide… these are not “normal” childhood behaviors. We need to stop letting society, the media and video games take responsibility for our children’s actions. Again, I’m not blaming parents, I’m encouraging them to help. Teach your kids right from wrong, if you don’t feel the TV is helping, shut it off. If you see your kid being a little ass, correct the behavior. Not just with punishment, but ask them why they treated someone that way. Talk to them about empathy, and sympathy…

Parents are not just there to feed and shelter our children to ensure they live to adulthood. We are there to raise high functioning members of society so they can contribute to, not just consume from society.

parenting, Uncategorized

The blame game

So I was talking to one of my friends who is a recovering drug addict. We were discussing some of the people in his AA/NA programs and he was amazed at the fact that a lot of them don’t have any real goals in life. I was amazed by the fact that he was amazed by this.

4127653707_7476ea3ccd_bAddicts aren’t really known for being goal oriented (unless you count the goal of getting a fix. He was talking about this one particular friend who has decided to start a club of sorts for his addict friends. In theory it sounds like a good idea, not the way he’s implementing it, but the concept in general. It’s basically getting a group of addicts together and agreeing to be there for one another. If anyone needs a ride to a meeting or someone to talk to, that type of thing. Then he was talking about expanding it to an outreach program. Talking to troubled kids and the like…. again, sounds like a fabulous idea…

Here’s the catch. The friend who is looking to start the program isn’t really sober. I mean, he’s sometimes sober… he can go for periods of time being sober, but as soon as anything happens in his life he jumps head first of the wagon. On top of that he has severe issues with relationships. He just got out of jail for stalking and harassing an ex… this does not really feel like the type of person that should be teaching others about sobriety and living well sober.

When I mentioned this to my friend, he started with the excuses, “well, it’s not really his fault, he has severe abandonment issues… his childhood was…. ” blah blah blah. I stopped listening at that point. Your childhood is not a reasonable answer for your choices. It is a pathetic excuse to blame others. Now I am in no way perfect. I admit that. I picked up a lot of bad eating habits from my father growing up as I have discussed previously, but once I became an adult… maybe not the moment I turned 18… but 25, 30… so on… my parents mistakes were not my problem.. my own were.

This guy with the abandonment issues (because he was put into foster care as a child) has gone on to put one child up for adoption and has another that sees him bouncing in and out of jail and rehabs. Those are his choices. There are plenty of people who have had screwed up childhoods who turn out just fine. I, personally, am so sick of an entire society who blames everyone else for their choices and actions.

My childhood was not perfect. My mother was schizophrenic. There were horrible custody battles, at one point my parents had a literal tug of war battle over me in the middle of the street. When I did live with my mother she took us to religious communes where, since we didn’t live with out father, anyone was allowed to punish us as they wished. For a while we even lived in a car. It didn’t stop once my dad finally got custody. My mother kidnapped us, police were called to the house and my school.. all kinds of things happened, but none of that made me a victim. All of that made me stronger and more aware of my own actions.

As an adult I have taken in other people’s children when the mom wasn’t able to care for them, and now I am a full-time mom to my son, while still running my own business. People make their own choices. If they hate the way they were treated by someone else or society or however they feel wronged, it is not their job to cry about why they deserve more, it’s their responsibility to make sure they don’t repeat the actions, and their right to have a better life.

If you blame others for your problems then you are giving them control over your life. The only person who can fix your life is you!

 

 

coaching, Health

The Obesity Business

The interesting thing about the new Lane Bryant’s ad is the models they chose to use. They are trying to promote that big is beautiful, and I get that because that’s their gabourey-sidibebusiness, but the funny thing is that they only used one really big woman, a woman who is famous for playing a really big woman and a woman who has worked hard and decided to lose weight since that movie.

The majority of the women used in the commercial say that they are a size 14, which, though technically is plus sized, is also sold in most “regular sized” stores. The women are not obese, they are mostly curvy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that anyone should be shamed for anything. I don’t

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think that overweight people are ugly or gross, but I do know that being overweight is unhealthy. This ad seriously sends a mixed message. A message that it’s ok to be “fat”… which it’s really not, but uses women who are either still within the healthy parameter and a woman who has realized that her weight was actually a bad thing and has chosen to become more healthy.

Ad campaigns like this are very difficult. Obviously Lane Bryant would love the obesity epidemic to continue… it’s their bread and butter, so to speak, but they are actually using healthy people to tell others that it’s ok to not be healthy. This is why society is so screwed up. No one wants to be responsible for themselves, no one wants to think about how their actions affect the future. “It’s ok to be obese because I’m still beautiful”. Yes, yes you can still be beautiwilliamperryful at any size, yes a little roll when you sit down is completely normal. No, you do not have to be a stick to be attractive.
The girl who is on the cover of Sports Illustrated is correct, she did open eyes of many. There are many people who say that you can’t be athletic and not be skinny, but anyone who has ever seen a real athlete knows that’s not true. Most athletes have a lot of muscle and even a little big of healthy body weight.. that is completely normal. The problem with campaigns like this is not that it’s promoting self esteem. The problem is that it’s comparing healthy and curvy with obesity and saying it’s all the same. It’s not. We need a campaign that says healthy is beautiful!

parenting

Taste the rainbow!

OK, I may get a little flack on this one, and I’m alright with that.I’m sure you’ve all seen the post about the mom who was “snack shamed” for sending her kid to school with Oreos, and I get that as parents we have the right to feed our kids what ever we want. But here’s the thing. School is a place where we go to send our children to learn things, and fist of all, learning good nutrition is also important, but on top of that it has been regularly proven that we learn better when we can concentrate. When our blood sugar levels are all over the place we can’t.

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I’m not saying that an Oreo now and then is going to kill you, but these teachers are dealing with 20 kids in their class, and the last thing they need is 20 maniacs running around from a sugar rush, and then crashing and not being able to focus or listen.

And yes, I understand that the new cool thing is to accept everyone no matter how unhealthy they are, but learning good habits as a child will help them become a more healthy adults, who may actually live to see their own children grow up. Obesity is real people. Diabetes, heart disease these are not made up conspiracies by the fruit and veggies market. These are real diseases that are killing people.

Now I understand that fresh fruits and veggies can be expensive for some and that buying the cheaper chips and cookies are easier, but let’s think about that for a moment. I’m not willing to put a little extra away to buy even raisins to help my child stay healthy… in other words KEEP MY CHILD ALIVE LONGER.

Sugar really is evil. There is study after study about not just how it affects our moods anddownloadjf energy levels and concentration, but also our long term health. Sugar is worse for our bodies than most fats, and most of the cookies and other junk foods aren’t even made with real sugar and natural fats, they’re made with high fructose, partially hydrogenated garbage that increases cholesterol levels, plays havoc with our blood sugar levels and even gives us acne… as if health problems weren’t bad enough!

Cutting sugar isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible either. There are plenty of places to go for help, and plenty of real snacks to take the edge off. In fact, research shows that as one starts to cut out the sugars and salts from ones diet they crave it less, and I have found that my taste buds have grown so that real food’s flavor actually intensifies.

So the next time you get all bent out of shape because someone dared to put your well-being  before your wants, try to remember what your job is as a parent, and be as good to yourself too.

parenting

Please pass the bread

I was at a wedding last weekend and I was sitting next to a friend of the bride’s that I remembered a few years back was on the chubby side. Now he was REALLY SKINNY. I could just tell by looking at him that he had made dramatic changes to his eating… but not necessarily healthy ones.

When the bread came around he passed it by and I commented, “you look like you haven’t had bread in a long time”. I was right. Hpaleo_food_pyramid_ireye is on the Paleo Diet. I know this is the new fad thing and EVERYONE must try it and you lose all kinds of weight, but the problem is, it’s not particularly healthy. Our bodies need a certain amount of carbs and calcium, and though dairy is not necessary for calcium, one has to be very careful when one cuts out an ENTIRE food group.

The funny thing is in most cultures food graphs (they take on different shapes) grains is always very high on the list, and carbs is one of the main macro nutrients that people need. So why is it that low carb diets such as the Paleo, gluten free and Atkins are so popular and seem to work… It depends on the carbs that you eat.

56f08dc3150000ad000b2beaIn Japan where carbs are the main staple, people live longer, have less cardio vascular problems and in general are healthier. The thing is the carbs they eat aren’t processed concoctions with barely a nutrient to be recognized. They eat whole grain, mostly rice.. and veggies. Italy is another country that loves it’s carbs. Pasta, pizza, and all the other goodies get eaten in huge portions, but again, they don’t chemically treat all the grains before eating them, they don’t load them down with hydrogenated…. anything.

The problem with the new diets are that people start cutting things like pizza and chips, which is great, but they lose out on the good carbs, like whole grain rices, pastas, and yes, bread. Which is the main macro nutrient needed to give us energy. No wonder coffee and naps are so popular.

parenting

How do you talk to yourself?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently. This is one of those friends who is an amazing person but has extremely ow self esteem about everything. He’s the type who loves to make self deprecating comments and jokes and thinks that he doesn’t deserve anything good.

We were discussing my 3 year old son and how big he’s getting. I told him that everyone from other moms to his pediatrician comments on how strong he is. How he is very muscular even at his age. I said that he gets that from my side of the family, as his father’s side is slim, and tone, but not really bulky muscular.

His response was, “wow, that’s not cocky at all”. I was so confused by the statement. My comment wasn’t cocky, it was a biological fact. My side of the family is very broad and muscular and my ex’s is not. My brother is 6’6″ and did wrestling and football all through high school and college… that’s just the way it is. My ex is 5’9″ and wears a small-medium sized shirt. He’s not scrawny, just not bulky, and I’m not cut and defined, I just have a high muscle build. In fact, the high muscle concentration has been a problem for me as a girl and now as a woman. My scale and BMI are very misleading, as even when I was thin, my numbers said otherwise. It took me years to understand the difference.

8392d6b5d575384417308b7ac7a83413I started out a little offended by what my friend had said to me, but then I realized that it wasn’t about me at all. It wasn’t about my son. The comment was about my friend’s own person self esteem issues. He had been trained, either my himself or parents, or others, that complimenting any aspect of yourself is a fault. That you mustn’t “pretend” that you’re better than others, or point out or even accept your good qualities.

This friend has been looking for a new job, and myself and others have been telling him to go for this one or that one.. and he won’t. He doesn’t feel he is good enough, even though he is plenty qualified. He spends his time hoping for a brighter future, while constantly talking badly to himself about himself. I feel bad that he treats himself that way. He is a great guy and deserves better. The irony is that if he ever heard anyone speak to me the way he speaks to himself, he would probably knock them out.

People have to understand that self talk is the most important talk. We need to feed ourselves GOOD messages about our strengths, our bodies, our souls. We create our own lives. If we hear of a parent verbally abusing their child there is outrage and we understand the parent is creating havoc with that child’s self esteem. How come no one ever thinks the voices in our own heads do the same?… only we can’t walk away from that.

Uncategorized

It’s so not my fault

So… it’s official. I have a thyroid condition. Ugh… I’ve never had a “condition” before. At least I never knew that I did. Apparently my records indicate that I was tested a decade ago for hypothyroidism, but the doctor never told me or did anything about it. Anyway, now I have it and now I am… ON MEDICATION… as previously mentioned this is not a thing that I wanted, but also nothing that can be controlled by diet and exercise (according to my doctor, if weight-loss-diet-with-juicing-toning-plans-up-for-gym-56403you know of anything otherwise… please let me know).

The one thing that I will not do is blame my poor health choices on a gland. Yes, it may make things more difficult, but it doesn’t tie me to the couch or shove ice cream in my mouth.

I have an appointment to go back in a couple months to see how I’m doing. So far I haven’t noticed a real difference in my energy levels, but I’m starving all the time. So… yeah, not helpful. I’ll give it the couple months and then re-evaluate at that time. I also need to research how this condition can affect me if not treated. It doesn’t seem to be life threatening, so if it’s just that my metabolism is a bit slower and I’m kinda tired.. I got coffee to handle both of those things.

I’ll keep you posted….

coaching, Health

I need a new drug… or not

I am proud to announce that all of my hard work is paying off. No I am not a size 2, but I went to my doctor’s and my bad cholesterol is down FORTY points… yes, you read that correctly 40! And my good cholesterol is up 3 points. Also, though my blood pressure was never really high, it is still better than it was.

10310400-largeI have to say this feels like a huge accomplishment. Most people I have read about and come in contact with don’t bother to try to get healthy. They just pop a magic pill. Their cholesterol comes down, and they feel like they are doing so much better after. I never understood that. You’re still 50 lbs overweight, but you take medication with major side affects that could harm you, but hey… at least you can still eat pizza whenever you want and feel like crap all the time… so go you!

I have been very open to admit that my health was not always my top priority, but I have always tried to be at least a little active. I love taking my walks and hikes in the woods with my dog, but now that I have been actually up and really working out… getting my heart pumping and eating foods that make me thrive instead of just survive it’s like a whole new world.

I’m so glad that I chose this route. I know that I could have joined the masses and in-cholesterol-oil-Minnesota-St.-16125medicated myself to death. But that’s not the life I want to live. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that some medication is actually necessary. My dad was a diabetic… there was no getting around taking insulin. There are also lots of people with a genetic predisposition to things like high blood pressure, or cholesterol. My brother had a friend who’s very fit and a vegetarian and still has in the 300s… but for most of us, we need to think beyond the numbers, and start thinking about overall health. This is the only body we get. Now I’m just waiting on the results of my thyroid tests… wish me luck!

parenting

Anything GO should be a good thing

I am not getting the whole Pokemon-Go outrage. I see blog upon blog and meme upon meme about how stupid it is, how dangerous it is and how it should just be band! Seriously? It’s a game. Remember games? Things people do for FUN.

508800-pokemon-goParents are in an uproar because there are stories about kids breaking into buildings and houses and getting shot at or other kids not looking where they are going and walking into a street and being hit by a car. I’m sorry, how is this the game’s fault?

Remember when you were a child and you’d be playing ball in the neighborhood and you’d accidentally hit the ball into the neighbor’s house? Would you go breaking and entering into the house to retrieve the ball? No, of course not! Remember when yodownload.gifu would be riding your bike and laughing with friends? Would you not pay attention to the cars on the road because you were too busy chatting? Maybe… but if you got hit, that was your fault.. not Huffy’s.

This game is great! This game is getting stationary kids and young adults who have spent years with their ass on the couch up and moving… going outside even! Interacting with other human beings IN PERSON! Who knew that this was still possible?

In a era when Facebook and snap-chat are the only way people are staying connected. In a time when online has become the new pastime, having a game that actually gets people moving and socializing face to face seems like a Godsend. How about instead of finding fault with a product we tell our kids and friends to smarten up and be careful. Sadly, they probably don’t understand that there are factors outside of themselves because they have spent so long inside alone… it’s games like Pokemon Go that can get society back in action.. and I for one applaud the whole concept.

Health

Exercise is for losers

Morning-exercise-on-an-empty-stomach-should-you-do-it-or-not-

I read the most ridiculous article in the world the other day. It was all about how exercise doesn’t help you lose weight. That was actually the title of the article. Seriously! This is what people are writing about? This is supposed to be helpful? Telling people there is no point to exercise because it takes a lot of exercise to burn calories. That’s the theory. If you have to work out for an hour and only burn off one piece of pizza it’s just not helpful. Well, is it better to NOT burn off the calories?

The other part, that seemed to have been forgotten, is that exercise boosts metabolism, builds muscle and  increases endorphins, all of which helps to not only lose weight, but also makes you actually feel better.

Exercise also helps with things like cholesterol and blood sugar levels. That’s why I started my exercise routine. After my father passed from complications from diabetes and I got the news from my doctor that my cholesterol levels were all wonky (bad too high, good too low), I knew I had to do something. I signed up for boxing classes, and my whole world started changing. As well as my perspective on health and weight. I was working out pretty consistently for about 2 or 3 months and feeling really discouraged because I wasn’t really losing any weight. I was talking to my boyfriend and he reassured me that he could definitely see a difference in my body. I decided to re-take my measurements and I was shocked. I was down about 3 inches in both my waist and my hips.

fat-vs-muscle-5719b712c0afbdfb040bc4e5I always knew that muscle weighed more than fat, but it didn’t occur to me that the reason I wasn’t actually “losing weight” was because for every lb of fat I was losing I was gaining a lb of muscle. It made the scale stay the same, but my body change. Which is the point after-all.

The other thing that the “science” article said was that when you exercise it makes you more hungry which is counter-intuitive to weight-loss, but in reality in order to lose weight you do need to eat… often. It’s just a matter of what you eat. Sure, if you exercise and then go eat a whole pizza you’re not going to lose fat, but if you exercise and eat fruits and veggies, whole grains and healthy proteins the fat will just fall off and the muscle will make you stronger and healthier than ever.

There are no tricks or shortcuts to health. You can’t exercise your eating habits away, and you can’t diet your lazy butt to health. You need to treat your body to both.