Category: Prayer

Prayer

God is not your Valet

Katrina Russell

I hear people say it every day. “I prayed for the lottery and didn’t get it”, or, “Why doesn’t God answer any of my prayers?” or something along that line. I’m not sure that these people truly understand what God is all about. The funny thing is that it’s the people who claim to be the most Christian that are the most confused by His lack of attention to their problems. He is not a genie designed to grant all of your wishes. In fact he is not here for you at all. We are here for him.

I think the biggest reason for this is that, just like there are so many different “Christian” religions who pick and chose which parts of the Bible they want to focus on, there are just as many of those individual people belonging to each sect that picks and chooses what they want to listen to.

Yes, Jesus is our savior, sure.. you got me on that one. Jesus also died on the cross and was tortured in horrible ways beforehand. God let that happen. People always ask why God lets bad things happen as if they don’t know about Jesus and the bad that happened to him.

Of course God answers prayers. God has a plan, but both Moses and Abraham taught us that God was willing to negotiate. When God wanted to smite Sodom and Gomorrah Abraham begged God to take the innocent lives into account. Abraham repeatedly questioned God’s willingness to kill an entire city and forsake good people. God eventually agreed that if there were 10 righteous people that Gomorrah would be spared. Spoiler… there weren’t.

The point being is that God knows what can and can’t happen. You may pray that someone you are madly in love with falls madly in love with you, and they don’t…. but 5 years later you meet the love of your life and realize how wrong the other person was for you. Is that a bad thing? There’s a Garth Brooks song, “Unanswered prayers” that speaks to this. People get so obsessed with what is in front of them that they don’t think about what’s ahead for them. It’s almost as if a lot of people who claim to worship God actually think they know better.

This is not talking about people who pray for loved ones or themselves that are dying… that’s a topic for another day, but seriously what is it that makes people think that God is here to answer to you? Is that why you are Christian? Do you think that if you say that you believe in Him and that you pray to Him that He will be obligated to do your bidding, because if that’s your plan.. you are in for a rude awakening.

grief, Love, Mental Health, parenting, Prayer

Why I choose to believe

Katrina Russell

Let me start by saying that I only converted to Catholicism 8 years ago, and even then it was more of a tradition than anything else. My grandmother was born from Irish immigrants, and for those who don’t know, they are wicked Catholic…. at least the good ones are. My grandfather was Protestant, but he went out for cigarettes when my dad was a kid and I never met him.

My dad was raised in Catholic school, so he hated religion, nuns, rulers…. discipline… pretty much everything about it. My mom was one of those Protestants that I had mentioned and she went bonkers after I was born. I’m not saying that to be hyperbolic, she was actually diagnosed with schizophrenia. She talked a lot about God and how God used to tell her things, so my relationship with God was a little strained as a child.

My father did understand the importance of the Bible and its teaching. He understood its place in our society and the laws, rules and ethics that it taught. He didn’t talk to me about religion per say, but he read to me from the children’s’ Bible when I was small. I mostly have memories of snuggling on the couch with him and not understanding why Joseph’s brothers were so horrible. This was a very important memory to me though because in general my father didn’t read to me, so the fact that he took the time to do that with this book meant it must have been important.

I didn’t judge people who were religious. In fact my dad used to encourage me to check out different religions and see if any of them fit. I understood that my problems with religion itself had more to do with my mother and her psychosis than the religion itself, but for a long time people who talked about Jesus really freaked me out. When it was time to baptize my son I knew that I wanted him to be Catholic like my grandmother, who had passed away at that point. I had been baptized myself as a baby, but never any other formal religious teaching.

When I thought about which school in my area that I wanted my son to go to; I knew that I didn’t want him to go to the local public school where some of my friends taught and complained about how dangerous it was. I knew that I wanted him to go to the local Catholic school. Again, at this point religion was just background. As a person who studied history in college and has a general obsession with it and archeology (I blame Indiana Jones) I spent a lot of time watching documentaries and reading things about the history of the Bible and the archeological proof that has been discovered that backed up many of the stories. In general I was always fascinated by the time period, but never put a lot of effort in learning about the text itself. God was more of an idea from the past that helped other people, but didn’t really seem needed today.

Then my dad died, and I felt comfort in the fact that there was an afterlife and that I would see him again one day. Then his long-term girlfriend died, and I was glad that at least they were together. Then my dog died, and I thought that he could keep them company for the decades that it would be until we would reunite. Don’t get me wrong, I was devastated, but knowing that God is out there, knowing that my dad could look down on us and see my son and the wonderful little boy that he was becoming made that horrible year more bearable.

The following year my son started at the Catholic school and I became heavily involved. I volunteered whenever I could, and decided that if he was going there it would be best if we went to church on Sunday, especially the church that was attached to the school. I realized how much I wanted my son to have faith. I wanted him to feel comforted as much as I do.

This was 7 years ago. My son is now 10 and we still attend church every Sunday. He belongs to the choir, I teach a CCD class, and he attends his own. He has gotten his 1st communion, and we volunteer when we can. I love joining the Bible study classes. Our faith has become a huge part of our life. I don’t have a lot of time to read, but I listen to the Bible on Audible, and I love listening to commentary from all kinds of people about how they interpret The Word, and the stories being portrayed.

I have begun to realize how amazing The Bible actually is. How much was wisdom was articulated in that book that people today are still figuring out. Knowing that this book came from a time when a lot of people thought the sun traveled around the earth by a man pulling a chariot. This book talks about how everyone is created in Gods image and therefore just as important as anyone else. It talks about how, even though slavery is a norm at this time for many reasons, slaves must still be treated as fellow humans and given all the rights thereof. It talks about how children should honor their fathers as much as their mothers and how parents don’t have the right to kill their children even id they have done something wrong. It talks about how to live a successful life in any time.

The Israelites, or Jews as they are known today, have been laughed at, persecuted, and blamed for all the wrongs of the world, because, it seems no matter what wrong happens in the world they still manage to thrive. People think this is because they are “obviously stealing from everyone else” when in reality it is because they are working hard and taking care of each other as the Bible told them to.

A lot of Christians today want to discount the Old Testament, which I don’t understand. They seem to forget that Jesus was Jewish and specifically said that he was there in accordance with the law. In Matthew he said…

17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill.

18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

There are a lot of people today who hate the fact that God asks things of us. They hate the fact that God lets bad things happen to us. They feel that God should be there personal valet and should be there to do their bidding, and that is the only way that God can prove himself.

I know so many people who either don’t believe or they hate God because bad things have happened to them, or because bad things happen in general. I know so many people who think they are getting punished by God because they haven’t been following His laws and their life is not the way they wish it to be. I know so many people who think that they have screwed up too much that God could never forgive them. My response is to that is that God is Our Father who art in Heaven. As our father He gives us His rules. He lets us know the best way to live a good life, and the things that we should concentrate on to get said life. What He doesn’t do is prevent us from experiencing our consequences.

Maybe I understand this because I was raised by a single dad. I didn’t have the mom around to coddle me, and protect me from myself. If I chose to climb a tree too high and fell out I was also the one who had an ice pack on my ankle later. If I chose to ran through the woods for the umpteenth time in shorts that summer then I was the one sitting out of the pool covered in pink stuff while still itching. My dad told me not to do things. He told me how to behave, but ultimately it was my decision and I had to deal with it. Occasionally he would see that I got in over my head and help me out, but that was few and far between.

The one thing he always did, no matter how much my brother and I screwed up. The one thing I never had to worry about, was that he loved us. He forgave us, and he gave us the opportunity to make better choices in the future. The reason that I believe in God is because I believed in my father. I believed in a relationship that is so much stronger than one could imagine. Now that I am a mother I know how much I love my son. I know that there is nothing he could do to make me not love him, but knowing that his father died of a drug overdose, I know that sometimes the ones you love can make choices that aren’t safe, and aren’t good to be around.

The reason that I believe in God is because God made us in His image. God made us knowing that we would screw up, and that life would be hard sometimes, but God made us because He knew that it would be worth it in the end. Just like my dad made me and just like I made my son. So many people today don’t want to have children because its expensive, or climate change, or some other material issue…. but for those of us who believe in God and know how much bigger life really is. We know that God made us, because it’s worth it. Love always is.

close up photo of lion s head
cancel culture, free speech, parenting, Politics, Prayer

Speak your mind!

Katrina Russell

Yesterday I was teaching my Catechism class where we were talking about Daniel and Esther. For those who don’t remember Daniel was put into a Lion’s Den after he refused the King’s order to only worship the King and other false gods. Esther was the King’s wife who spoke to the King on behalf of her people for him to allow them to worship their one true God. Both of these people put their lives in grave danger for their faith.

After we finished reading and watching a video about them, I asked the children in my class how they felt about what these people did. I asked them if they thought that people have the right to be able to tell their King or government no and do what they believe. I wasn’t sure how they would answer.

This is a time when authority should never be questioned and what is “right” is listening and obeying what the authority deems to be true. When I first said to compare it to today in society there was a big moan of annoyance at the thought of what I may be asking about society today. I asked them, “With everything going on today, do you think that people have the right to protest the government about things they believe, regardless of whether you believe the same things that they do?”.

There was the one smart ass kid who said, “No, you must always listen to the government. They know best.” but seeing as how I don’t think this kid has ever listened to anyone in his life, I knew he was being facetious and stated so after his friend questioned him. After him there were many different responses ranging from, “of course the government is full of idiots” to “yeah, just because the government think they know best doesn’t mean that they do. In fact, of the 17 kids in the class every single one of them agreed that people have the right to criticize and protest the government.

This exchange has given me hope for the future. This was a class full of middle schoolers in a very Left state that truly believe in personal rights outweighing the collective. I wasn’t sure that was a thing anymore. These kids have grown up in a culture full of canceling anyone who thinks outside the box. The box constructed by a certain establishment. The fact that these kids were able to understand the significance of having not only their voices heard, but the voices of those they don’t agree with as well was quite inspiring. Maybe there’s hope for the future afterall.

pexels-photo-6055989.jpeg
bullying, Law of Attraction, Love, Mental Health, parenting, Prayer

Forgive and Forget

Katrina Russell

People talk a lot about forgiveness, and there are definitely two camps on this subject. Well, three if you count the people who keep forgiving over and over and not the forgetting part, but for this we won’t. For this we are talking about the people who are done taking flack and listening to lies.

In one camp there are the people who will never forgive. “Those *fill in expletive* don’t deserve my forgiveness”, people. The ones who every time a name is mentioned, even if it’s not the actual person, just the name in common, this one gets a knot in their stomach. This one has been hurt so badly they will never forget, and never give anyone else a chance to hurt them like that either. They will take that pain to the grave, and to whatever afterlife may come.

This is the one that tells you they are fine, while simultaneously screwing up something in their life. A friendship, a romantic relationship, a family situation, a job… something that reminds this one of that person who did that thing to them once and they are not going to let that happen again.

When that person or that subject does come up, this one still sees red. They can’t help it. It’s still so fresh in their mind and heart. They can’t let it go. They are angry and will continue to be angry. There is no way that this one is going to give that person the satisfaction of being let off the hook for the horrible thing that they did. That person is going to die knowing that this one hates them.

Of course, that person may not care, or even remember this one… but that’s not the point… this one will remember… always.

Then there are the ones that know how to forgive and how to forget. The ones who understand that everyone has faults, and everyone is at a different point in the evolutionary scale. This one knows what horrible thing that person did to them. This one knows that person is not capable of the actions or respect that this one deserves. This one feels almost sorry for the person who did them dirty, because this one understands that true happiness can never be found in hurting someone, and the person who hurt them will have to live with everything they do… but this one does not.

This one has learned holding onto a grudge only hurts the one holding on. This one forgives the person who wronged them… and then lets it go. That’s it. It is now a thing of the past. It no longer takes up room in their conscious mind. This one goes about their life not worrying about what the other person did or is doing now. This one goes about their life not assuming that everyone they meet will be like that person and hurt them.

Then there is a moment in this one’s life when they realize they have actually forgotten. Maybe they see that person at an event, or their name is brought up. This one smiles, asks how they are, and have a pleasant encounter. Maybe at some point someone reminds this one of what the other person has done. This one just laughs, and says, “well, it was a long time ago. We’ve all grown since then.”.

Maybe we’ve all grown, maybe that person is just as rotten and hurtful as they always were, but it doesn’t matter. This one has grown. This one has a good life. That person who hurt this one doesn’t have any power over this one. This one has forgiven and forgotten.

white concrete building
bullying, Politics, Prayer

It’s not about oppression, it’s about success

Katrina Russell

There has been a lot in the media in the last few years about the oppressed and the oppressors. How certain groups have more power and success in life because they spend all of their time oppressing other people. How there is a new group coming out of the oppressor group in order to “save” the historically oppressed people.

They are doing this by teaching people whether they are oppressed or oppressors, because nothing cures oppression like telling someone that they are oppressed and shouldn’t bother trying. They are also doing this by getting rid of tests and regulations that judge people based on the merit. The implication being that people of certain groups can’t be expected to live up to the expectations of the oppressor groups and therefore are being further oppressed by a society that values merit.

I’m not sure how teaching kids particularly that they are some how incapable of merit based accomplishments eliminates oppression, but that is the point. The people who talk so much about caring about and helping the oppressed don’t actually care about oppression. They only care about who is getting, making, or having more than they are. The goal is not to end oppression, but to oppress the successful in order to steal more power for themselves.

If you ever want to know how someone feels about oppressed people ask them what they think about the Jews, and specifically Israel. Jewish people are the historically the most oppressed people in the world. They were slaves in the age of the Bible. They have been homeless since they were first enslaved. They have been told they can’t work. They have been murdered. They have had an entire world against them, and yet they are the one group of people to never tried to conquer anyone else. That’s actually their thing. They don’t look to convert. They are a race unto themselves not just a religion. They don’t stop those who choose to convert, but they do not send people to your door on a Sunday afternoon, and they have never invaded anyone.

In 1948. after it as discovered that millions of them were killed for no reason, it was decided by the world that they needed a safe place they could call their own. People are angry about this. People are angry because a piece of land that had been historically Abrahamic territory, but was invaded and stolen by others was being returned to them. The same people who complain about Native American land being stolen by white settlers because, “The Natives were there first” complain that the Israelites got their land back. No race has ever been more cohesive than the Jewish people. They are not just a religion but a race as well, and they do their best to keep their way of life unchanged for centuries. Where as the Native Americans were thousands of different tribes who came to the American continent over thousands of years and spent most of that time killing each other to extinction.

Jewish people, however, are known to be hard working. It’s part of their culture. No matter how many times they are knocked down, they keep their heads down and keep working for their families and their faith… and they are hated for it. There is no group in the world so universally hated. There was just a hostage situation in TX in which a Muslim extremist specifically targeted a Synagogue on the Sabbath, and took hostages. The news kind of mentioned something about a UK man taking hostages but they weren’t sure why… it’s over now, it doesn’t really matter.

Except it does. This was a terrorist attack. This was a hate crime. The fact that a Muslim extremist specifically targeted a Synagogue on the holiest day of the week was not a coincidence, but let’s not make people think poorly of Muslim terrorist… that wouldn’t be PC.

If oppression, and not personal choices is what causes inequality and poverty then how does one explain the Jews. They are the doctors, the lawyers, the accountants. They run the banks. They are the evil rich people… who have been historically oppressed by everyone. People don’t want to help the oppress. They just hate the rich. If you don’t believe me. Ask them how they feel about Israel.

Addiction, bullying, Law of Attraction, Love, Mental Health, Prayer

Nihilism is killing people

Katrina Russell

I want to start by saying that I wasn’t raised religious. This is important for me to point out because a lot of people feel that only people who were brainwashed from childhood could possibly be religious, and that’s just not true. Religion is for those who are looking for meaning in life. There are as many religions in this world as there are people because everyone interprets their religion in a personalized way.

Human’s need something to believe in. They need to feel like life is worth something. Not every religion is a good or positive religion, but they all at least give people hope for a future. People need hope. They need something to hold on to. People work all week for the weekends. They struggle all year for their vacation. They Scrimp and save for a house or car or something bigger and better that makes their life feel more complete.

People also need to feel like when they lose someone that they are not gone forever. That a part of that person lives on in some way. I was not raised religious, but after my father passed away, I couldn’t imagine an existence without him. He HAS to be watching over us. My son’s father used to think I was crazy. He’d try to explain all the ways in which it wasn’t possible. I told him none of that mattered. That no one could possibly KNOW what happens after we die so we can believe whatever we want. Whatever makes us feel better.

He couldn’t handle that explanation. He was a nihilist in its truest form. He couldn’t fathom a reason for any of it. He was scared out of his mind about dying. He would go into full-fledged panic attacks over the thought of it. He knew it would happen at some point, but he just couldn’t wrap his mind around not existing. He couldn’t see any other option, but he couldn’t handle the thought of just being gone. He didn’t understand why we bothered to live. Why we bothered to suffer. Why we bothered to work hard or fall in love or have a family if it just meant that we died in the end, and it was over.

This wasn’t anything new in his life. He had these feelings and concerns since he was a teenager. He couldn’t believe in anything that he didn’t have proof of. He felt empty all the time and turned to drugs. He ended up institutionalized multiple times before he turned 18. By the time I met him he had been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality, and generalized anxiety. He was in recovery for his addiction, but still heavily medicated for his other disorders.

He was a great guy, and we did fall in love. We did create a family. He loved our son more than he thought possible, but that caused him even more pain. He couldn’t understand what the point of all of it was. He couldn’t see why we should all put our energy into accomplishing things in life just to die. His goal was to actually become a robot. I used to laugh at that. I used to tease him saying, “like a cyberman from Doctor Who? You know those are the bad guys, right?”.

He didn’t see any other way. He couldn’t handle emotions. He couldn’t handle the fear, the unknown, emptiness that he saw in his future. The irony of his disease, his nihilism, his despair for the future is that it made him suicidal. He had tried twice before I met him, and I couldn’t understand when he told me how anyone so afraid of dying could want to die. He told me that it was the constant fear of the unknown. The constant exhaustion he felt over the anxiety of not feeling anything. The drugs didn’t work, the therapy didn’t work, nothing worked because he had nothing to believe in.

Every generation seems to be becoming more and more like this. They seem to not understand what life is about. They don’t want to work for things. They don’t want to get married. They don’t want to have a family. They just want to live a life of nothingness, of physical and momentary pleasures. Life is about the “Now” there was a whole book series about this, but I don’t think that any of them actually read or understood the concept of that book. The new generation has decided that religion, and family, and responsibility are somehow bad and that primal pleasures are the only things worth living for.

Yet every generation becomes more and more depressed. More and more dependent on drugs and alcohol. More and more suicidal. All anyone ever does anymore is complain about how miserable they are. How lonely they are. How broken they are. But when you suggest that maybe that is because they have nothing to believe in or goals to accomplish, or real relationships to depend on they just respond with something about the patriarchy and “ok Boomer”.

My generation was the first generation with a major war or a draft. My generation was the first to have vaccinations for the really harmful diseases. My generation went through life arguing about whether or not Die Hard was a Christmas Movie. We were the first generation that were just expected to go to college, and we did it without much help from computers and no one had cell phones or social media as kids. We were the last generation to be raised to think about the future.

The Millennials came up right behind me and suddenly everything they ever did was out on the internet for the world to see. Suddenly everyone was comparing their lives to everyone else’s, and no one was happy. No one saw value in anything. They just saw envy and greed and became a generation that focused on what they could get for as little work as possible.

I was the tail end of the Gen Xers and the beginning of the online dating scene. It used to be you had to meet someone in person. You had to talk to them. Get to know them. Get them to like you before you saw them naked. It took work and made the end result worth it. Now you just swipe, and you have a line up for the week. No work involved and no feelings of accomplishment either. Relationships are work. Saving is work. Work is work. No one wants to do that anymore. Because no one thinks that anything that happens actually matters.

I know that they’ll say, “oh I have to work 3 jobs just to afford rent”. Sure, and when people point out that you buy a new $1000 phone or a new $1500 game system every year you just scoff that you deserve it. Yes, things are more expensive. Things are always more expensive every year. But if you got married and had a joint income that would give you more collective money… but no one wants to do that.

Everyone wants to take a pill, hook up, and sit in front of a screen and pretend their life away. I saw a video of Keanu Reeves talking about his conversation with a kid who didn’t understand what was wrong with living in the Matrix. Who cares if it’s not real? He thought this was great! He literally missed the whole point of the 4 movies he was in. It’s not great.

I saw a commercial for the new Facebook Meta world VR system. There were two guys who played together all the time. They were great friends in the VR world. They were ignoring their families and annoying those around them. including each other. As it turns out they were neighbors and didn’t even know it. They just yelled at each other to “keep it down” when they heard each other enjoy each other in real life.

Is that the kind of life people really want? Ignoring and annoying their family and neighbors to live online? This world is becoming obsessed with not living. Like my son’s father who couldn’t handle real feelings and fears and wanted to become a Cyberman. And like my son’s father this whole world is killing itself with drugs and apathy.

August 14, 2019 Neil Thompson died of a drug overdose. He had just worked out a custody agreement with me. He had just finished his Associates Degree and was moving on to his BS. He had started a new relationship with a new girl who he lied to about all of his issues. He was found in his bed in his sober house because he couldn’t handle living while feeling. How long is it going to take the rest of the world to kill themselves in the name of nihilism, and not having anything real to believe in?

aerial photography of rock formation
Politics, Prayer

Morals without Religion

Katrina Russell

I was born in the 70s and raised in the 80s and 90s. This was when a really big push away from organized religion and more towards “spirituality”. At least in the US. I was not raised in any particular religion, though I was brought up with Judeo-Christian values. My father had gone to Catholic school as a child and hated it. My mother was a Protestant who later developed schizophrenia and became obsessed with God talking to her.

Growing up my dad would read the children’s Bible to me, and we watched an awful lot of the History channel, so I learned about a lot of religions. The reasons behind them. Their beliefs. Their corruption. When I would do sleepovers as a child my dad would encourage me to go to church, or Temple or what have you with my friend so I could experience things on my own.

When I hit my late teens I started to really get into the Wiccan religion. This was around the time of movies like, “The Craft” and teenage girls were all drawn to the mystery… and Skeet Ulrich. This was also around the time of other outside religions becoming more popular. The ancient ones like what the natives and druids practiced as well as the more recent Buddhist. People were more about being one with Earth or the Universe than to answer to an overbearing Father figure.

I remember it became very popular for people to say, “You don’t have to be religious to be moral” and I agreed. I was particularly religious. I had gone to church a handful of times since my parents had split when I was a baby. I didn’t follow any doctrine or worship at any specific alter. I just knew what was right and what was wrong. I knew it was wrong to lie, cheat, steal, kill.. I knew it was wrong to be disrespectful to my dad or my grams. I knew that it wouldn’t do me any good to be envious of those with more or to be spiteful to those with less. I knew the Golden Rule was Golden not because some God told me so, but because it made sense and it felt right.

When I learned about religion I learned about philosophy and psychology and politics. I understood how people could say that all of the rules being spouted were more about leaders trying to keep a citizenry safe and obedient. How the same rules that God laid out in the TEN COMMANDMENTS were very close to the rules that were taught in “everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten”.

Religious doctrines are rules created by which ever gods the religion believes in, and religious leaders decide are best for the people to abide by to create a working civilization. Some are good and some are bad, and you can tell their worth by how successful the society is. In some religions as in some politics there is a choice to make one the better and one the least of us. Good leaders treat everyone as an equal and gives everyone the same rules and same opportunities. This is something that the Western Enlightenment. Specifically, the Protestant Enlightenment has been fabulous at. For 10s of thousands of years tribes have been conquering, enslaving, and killing off other tribes. In just a short couple hundred years the Western Protestant Enlightenment changed all of that.

No one other than the Western Protestant Enlightened countries has ended slavery, has given women and children rights, and has even given its citizens the right to not believe in their God. You don’t have to be Christian in this country founded on Christianity, but you do have to follow their rules. Their morals. You don’t have to be religious to be moral… but you have to be moral. This country is losing their morality. We are becoming a country of literal Satanist. You think I’m kidding or being hyperbolic, but there are many who are turning to the “Satanic Temple” or some variation thereof. Their belief is that the individual is GOD. that all that matters is the individuals wants and needs and desires.

It is no longer about being a healthy and productive part of society. About creating a world that is better for your children and your children’s children. People today don’t want children. They don’t want to get married. They don’t want to work. They don’t want to pay off the debt they have accrued. All of those things are too hard. Being faithful, and respectful, and responsible is something other people used to do. The people who lived by the patriarchy or the theological bigots. People today want to do what feels good to them at the moment. Who cares who it hurts? Including themselves later.

So, now that I’m older, wiser, and seen more of the world. I think you do need some religion. Some guiding force. Something to help you become a good, strong, healthy member of society. Because left to one’s own devices no one will ever grow up… and no one will ever take on responsibility if they are not taught to, and civilization can’t be healthy without it.

parenting, Politics, Prayer

Remember

Katrina Russell

I have been writing a lot in the past few weeks about the loss to my family, but today is not the day for that. Today is the day to think about the loss of thousands of people who did nothing wrong and had no way of knowing that it was coming. Today is the day to think about those mothers and babies who lost their mothers and babies to an act of hate.

I was 25 years old when the planes hit the towers. I was on my way to a journalism class and as of the moment that I entered the classroom I thought that there had been a horrible accident and a plane had lost control and crashed. Upon leaving my class I headed to the student union where the TV was on and there was probably a hundred people staring at a TV screen. I watched as the second plane hit the tower. I gasped in horror at the scene. At first feeling confusion and denial that there was a mistake and that it couldn’t possibly have happened again. Then realizing that it wasn’t a mistake. That this was an actual act of terror.

I could talk about the feeling in the US after this event. I could talk about our freedoms and our fears.. but I don’t want to. That is not what is important about that day. That day thousands of people died. Real people. Real mothers, real fathers, real children, real sons, real daughters, real brothers, real sisters, real husbands, real wives.. grandmothers.. grandfathers.. aunts.. uncles.. friends. REAL.

Most of us have seen the movies made about this tragedy. Some of them dramas, some conspiracy theories, some just plain news series… most of them talk about what our nation was going through, but I don’t want to talk about that.

I was working for a newspaper company when the towers fell, and that day the phones were silent. The office was silent except for the radios that were playing the updated information of what was being seen and discovered. I was listening to the radio when I heard about the plane hitting the pentagon and then the plane going down in that Pennsylvania field. I was living in Boston when I saw that the planes that destroyed so many lives left my city.

I don’t want to talk about how our policies changed, or how everyone suddenly wore the flag proudly. I want to talk about my old boss’s wife who was on one of those planes. I didn’t know her well. I wasn’t at that job long, but I remember her. I still remember her. She was always pleasant and friendly, and very stylish. My boss was a sweet man who basically paid me to read books and watch the phone and the door… he always came in with a smile.. and always left well after the rest of us. He lost his wife that day. A lot of people did.

I was lucky. That was as close as I got to losing someone in that disaster. I was lucky, my father had gone to Boston that day for work, but he came home. My friends had flown to other destinations, but they all made it back. At 24 years old I had no idea about true loss. I thought of that calamity as a national loss… now that I’m older. Now that I’m more aware, all I can think of is those kids who never saw their parents again… and those mothers and fathers who watched the building that their babies worked collapse. Those husbands and wives who received that last phone call knowing their love was never coming home.

Today we all see the police, fire, and military presence memorializing those lost, and a great deal of them were armed forces and emergency services, but a lot of them were just everyday people who smiled at the front desk girl every morning. Today is about them and their families.

Addiction, Healthcare, Love, Mental Health, parenting, Prayer

I have the bravest little boy ever

Katrina Russell

I have the bravest little boy ever. He has been through so much in his little life, and he keeps on smiling the best he can. People think that because he’s 6 he doesn’t understand death.. but he does. He understands all too well. It’s only been a few years since I had to tell him that Papa died in his sleep (complications from his diabetes) and then less than a year later our dog got out and was ran over by a car on a rainy dark night.. right before Christmas. This boy knows death.

When I first told him that “Da died” he cried for a moment; then looked up and asked how. That’s a hard conversation. That’s something I had to be very careful with. I had spoken to his therapist and we decided lying of any form would only be harmful. I had to explain to a 6 year old that his father ODed. A 6 year old that didn’t even understand what “drugs” were.

I hope no one ever has to have this conversation with their child, but if  you do I just want to let you know how I explained it.. the best way I could think. Over the years we had many conversations about “Da making bad choices” or “Da is sick and needs to get help with his moods”. When “Da” finally moved into a sober house my little boy couldn’t understand why he couldn’t visit Da at his house. I had to explain that Da was living with other people who had the same sickness as Da, that made some of the same bad choices as Da, and who had some of the same anger and sadness issues as Da and that they lived together in order to help each other, but that it wasn’t a place for kids.. and since Mama and Da wanted to keep him safe Da was just to come to us for visits. I don’t know how much he understood, but he stopped asking questions.

Another time, we were listening to “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman and he randomly asked what “drunk” was. Again, I was left a little taken-a-back, but tried to explain as best I could in childlike terms. I asked him, “you know when people drink grown up drinks sometimes they get a little silly… well, sometimes if they drink too much grown up drinks they can get sick”. He seemed to get it. He didn’t really know what “grownup” drinks did.. but he knew what sick was.

So there I was, my 6 year old with tears in his eyes trying to understand why his Da was gone from this world forever I said, “you know how Da sometimes took those “drugs” to feel better…. and you know how I said that grownup drinks can make you sick…. well, sometimes with those drugs, or drinks if you take too too much, instead of sick.. you can die”. Then I waited for more questions, but he didn’t have any. He just turned away and asked if he could watch TV.

I left him with his “FGTeeV” and his thoughts and went to tell a friend what happened. When I came back a few minutes later I asked him how he was feeling.

“I don’t know how to feel. I’m sad, but I’m mad at him… but then I was happy”

I told him that he was allowed to feel all of those things, and that his feelings were going to change depending on what he was thinking about, and that’s OK. It’s been 3 weeks to the day since we had that conversation and he still doesn’t know how he feels. Most of the time he doesn’t even want to talk or think about Da. Then other times he sneaks out a phrase or two of remembrance and the tears well. He won’t say it aloud though. The words, “Da is dead” can not leave his lips. He won’t even say his name. He just points to the sky whenever he talks about him.

He started his first week of 1st grade last week, and, to be honest, I don’t know where he gets the strength. He told me last night that he doesn’t like to sleep anymore because he has nightmares. I told him that I have them too and we could just hold onto each other for comfort. I hope that helped. I hope anything can help. My little boy is the bravest boy ever… but he shouldn’t have to be.