parenting, Uncategorized

Pope says we’re turning to shit!

So the Pope thinks Americans are obsessed with shit… not in the literal sense, but he uses Pope Francis Holds Weekly Audienceit as a metaphor. He said that America’s preoccupation with all the useless, garbage, and down right fake news is the same as people with a fetish for poop.

I can’t say that I disagree. The Kardashians are more popular than Neil Degrasse Tyson. The most popular book in the last decade was about a rich man’s S&M compulsion, we have a reality show host who’s about to be our next president.. and when asked why people didn’t vote for Hilary, they spout off lunacy conspiracies about her killing people, running a sex ring out of a pizza shop.. and so on.  They truly feel that you if you don’t believe the garbage that their favorite nut job has spouted that you are the ignorant one.

This country has become so mind dead that everyone believes anything that makes them feel better about themselves. They watch people like the Kardashian’s because it makesmembers-of-the-kardashian-family-u1 them feel better to know that even though they are rich, they are way more screwed up than the average watcher.

I am a huge fan of Doctor Who, and the show has done a few different episodes, one in the first series of the new chapter in which the Doctor and company end up on Satellite 9, a space station that makes the news, they do not report it, they decide what the world should know and think and tells them. The Doctor of course stops this disaster, only to go back 100 years later and find that satellite 9 has been replaced by a giant game show/reality show world. The humans don’t even get a say in whether or not they get picked for the show, and if they lose they die.. but people keep watching… it doesn’t even cross their minds to stop.

Then there is another 2 parter, in which people are obsessed with new ear buds. The company that makes the ear buds happen to also be in charge of the media and download information directly into the wearers head at different intervals. The Doctor comments cybermen_formation_doomsdaythat “You lot, you’re obsessed. You’d do anything for the latest upgrade” which his human companion is offended by, but the fact remains. Humans, and especially Americans are looking for anyone to tell us what to think, what to buy, and how we should act… of course if anyone knows the Doctor, they know that the next step in the upgrade is removing the human brain and putting it into a robot body.

I feel like these are extreme representations of where our world is going. We no longer want to use our own brains.We are incapable of being bored for even a few minutes. We are constantly hooked into our devices and looking for anything that supports our feelings. We gave up critical thinking for an upgraded app that will make us feel better about ourselves without having to do or create anything ourselves. Basically our lives are turning to shit and we just melt our brains away to keep ourselves from noticing.

bullying, parenting, Uncategorized

Santa, bully!

I read an article today about a 9 year old boy getting fat shamed by Santa. I couldn’t believe it. I mean I’m all about trying to get and stay healthy and feel that this country is out of control with #bodypositive excuses to enable obesity, but there is a time and a place.

Santa is supposed to be the epitome of unconditional love. He is supposed to bring joy tosanta-1 children. He is not supposed to bully them and make them cry, and that is exactly what he did.

I have commented on this before when social media went crazy and fat shamed a teenager in her
prom dress, but this is even more disturbing behavior. This is a grown man insulting a 9 year old. A 9 year old doesn’t really have that much control over his eating habits and his lifestyle. Slamming him for eating too many burgers and fries is like slamming a 4 month old for being fed formula. He does not do the grocery shopping. He does not cook the dinners. He doesn’t even  choose what the menu at his school is.

This poor boy who just went to tell Santa what he wan
ted for Christmas was met with ridicule and hate. He will never look at Santa or Christmas the same again, and I can tell you, this is not going to help his self esteem and there will probably be a lot more emotional eating in his future.

I was not over weight as a child. My son, thus far, is not over weight and I don’t see him becoming so given our lifestyle, but if Santa or any other adult ever bullied my kid and made him cry, getting reprimanded at his job would be the lease of his problems.

The only epidemic that I find more dangerous in this country than obesity is hate. People no longer careczageorxgaij1lo about their neighbors or fellow human beings. They have spent all of their time, over the last decade, sitting behind a keyboard insulting others. Now it’s even spilling into real life. People are all about not being PC and everyone is so easily offended and cry babies… but that’s not really it. It’s more that common decency has flown out the window and now people just want to prove what a dick they are.. because they can.

Should the kid lose weight, probably. Is it Santa’s job to ridicule him into submission.. NO!

bullying, parenting, Uncategorized

Serendipity on a Snow day

We have all had those days. The days when we had sooo much on our plate, and yet… TV is so much more interesting. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I woke up to a fresh layer of snow on the ground and my 3 year old begging to go out and play. I told him that was fine, but that we needed to run to the store to get him boots first.

That was the last mention of going outside that he made for most of the day. After I got him dressed he asked for TV while I went to take a shower. When I got out he suddenly had no interest in snow.. the TV was way more interesting. To be honest I was glad of this. I will go out and play with him when he want, but I hate the cold. I don’t know why I stay in New England.

So the day progressed and I had so much to do.. but I didn’t. I sat in the living room, played with my son and watched TV.. did I mention COLD OUT. Finally my son startedsdff whining for some dinner and I realized that we were out of jelly for tomorrow’s sandwich, so I proceeded to convince the child to run to Target with me.

We still didn’t leave. He needed food, my dog needed to be walked.. it was a good half an hour before we made it out of the house. Thank God. Had we left at any other time we would have missed it.

As I was sitting at a light waiting for the left so that I could turn into the parking lot I saw a pit-bull come come running out and do his business on the side of the road. Now  I wasn’t alarmed at first. I waited and watched to see if he went running back to the owner. He didn’t. Instead he went darting out into traffic. Four lane traffic on a dark and slippery night. I knew that he would get hit if I left him there, so I hopped out of my truck and called him over.

He had no trouble getting in my truck, but got a little nervous when I wouldn’t let go of his collar and we weren’t going towards where he knew where is people were. (I was stuck at the light and held his collar to keep him in the front seat away from my 3 year old in the back) He began to get really nervous after a minute and crawled onto my lap in order to get back out of the door.

I finally just ran the light (sorry officer) and pulled my truck into the lot and just stopped halfway in between a bunch of spaces. I managed to get both him and my son out of the truck and walked him to the front of Target and started calling to everyone around if they had lost a dog. People flocked to see the beautiful creature, but no one claimed him. I asked the Target employees to page inside and they said that they did.. and we waited.

I don’t know if they ever did page, but I finally asked the others to hold the dog while I brought my cold 3 year old inside to warm up and looked for the owner myself. I walked images-1through the front door and again announced, “did anyone lose a pit-bull in the parking lot?”. A man approached panicked asking what color.. brown and white.. it was his. He ran out and put him back in his car and rolled the window up more.

After all of this happened I called my boyfriend and told him of our experience. I told him how I was nervous about taking a strange pit-bull in the car with our son, but that I felt worse leaving him in the street. My boyfriend said that didn’t surprise him seeing as how I lost my dog to our street almost a year ago. He said that he understood the concern about the dog, but also knew that if I had thought the dog was any kind of danger I wouldn’t have done it.

I love that he trusted my instincts. I love that I was at the right place at the right time. I love that I made a difference. I have to remember that day the next time I slack off and start negative talking myself.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not good to live in slacker mode, but it’s worse to kick yourself over a bad day… cuz you never know.. your bad day may end up being being a saving grace for someone else… even if you never know it.

bullying, parenting

The next step in bullying

I have stayed away from politics this whole time, because I don’t feel like my political opinion is either right or wrong, however, I do feel that there is a right or wrong to bullying!

trump_protest_0_1478881698Now I don’t care which side it is, or who is getting bullied. It is not right. When Trump was running he was very bad at his Tweeting and many people called for his Twitter account to be suspended. He went after women, minorities, war vets… it didn’t matter. It is the reason why so many people are so upset about his presidency.. and I get that. He even said that had he lost he wasn’t going to go away quietly.

Everyone couldn’t wait for the election to be over. Most people just felt like he would disappear into the ether and that would be the end of it. (I say most people because technically Hillary won the popular vote.. so more people voted for her, and there were other’s who either wrote in or voted for another option). But with the results as is.. he did not go away, and will not for at least 4 year.

That being said, he won, and we have to learn to except this arraignment. I’ve read many people saying that it’s white privilege that allows me and others to say this and that people of color have more to fear. That may be true, but it doesn’t change the fact that he is the President. Now, personally, I’m terrified of some of the changes that may happen. I’m terrified of the precedent that has been set that it’s OK to “grab them by the pussy”, but what mostly scares me is that the bullying is spreading. On both sides.

Hillary said that Trump not excepting the results of the election was horrifying, but now, the results are in and the same people that were supporting her comment are protesting said results. This is not actually helping anything. It’s just adding fuel to the fire. Twitter is actually declaring that it has to start cracking down on hate speech and bullying! Twitter, the site designed to share 180 characters of “what I had for lunch”.

I get that people are angry. I get that people are scared. But as Michelle Obama said, “when they go low, we go high”. Bullying others only gives their side more credibility. Trump made many promises, some of them good, some of them disgusting, m7912564-16x9-2150x1210ost of which have to pass though congress before it can be accomplished.. what’s important now is that the WORST of his campaign, the hate, the bullying, and the anger needs to stop. If you want to
make a change… if you want to Make America Great Again.. that starts with you. Get involved in local politics. Help out at local shelters or other charities… donate your time and money to helping the next generation be less hateful… You’re not going to change Trump’s mind. You’re not going to change the minds of his supporters. You can only change your own actions. And I for one would rather talk about the good in the world, than focus on the HATE!

parenting, Uncategorized

What do you think about a better life?

Self talk has to be one of the most important things that we do to and for ourselves. A lot of people poke fun at affirmations or positive thinking. They think it’s a woo woo science and that it’s all just a gimmick. Ironically it has been widely recognized that emotional abuse to a child is a real thing.

If a child is raised in a household where he/she is continuously told that they are bad, or downloadugly, or useless or whatever negative things they are bombarded with they will usually grow up to have low self esteem, behavior problems, not do as well in school, get into drugs… this is all classic text book science. Children are regularly taken away from parents who abuse them emotionally, or they spend countless years and dollars on therapy as they get older.

If a woman is in a relationship with a man and she is constantly being undermined. If she is told that she doesn’t do anything right, that she is horrible, and stupid and ugly and she should feel lucky that the man is good enough to be with her.. that is abuse… she would be told to leave a relationship like that immediately.

As a mom we are told to encourage our children whenever possible. And not just generic encouragement like “good job!” but specific detailed encouragement like, “you’re a very good listening”, “you did a wonderful job cleaning up” and so forth. We are told that speaking to a child like this over and over will help them have higher self-esteem and grow into better functioning adults.

So why is it that people think that the things that we say to ourselves don’t matter? When I was younger I can remember always saying, “I’m tired” all the time. My father used to get so annoyed by that… “of course you’re tired… you keep telling yourself that you are”. imagesIn my tween years I would write on my books “I love Billy” or whomever.. over and over.. and my dad would point out that it was a form of brainwashing.

BRAINWASHING… think about that… what we tell ourselves over and over we are actually brainwashing ourselves to believe. So… if we are always thinking.. “I’m fat.. I’m ugly.. no one will ever love me” guess what our brains are going to believe? Our minds are very powerful things. They control almost everything about ourselves. From our actions to our hormone levels. If our brains believe that we are fat and useless, what do you think will happen to our metabolism? What do you think it will do to our cortisol levels?

We as humans are our minds.. we are our souls.. we are what’s on the inside. If we are constantly abusing ourselves we will become the victims of our own creation.  It takes practice… it takes work.. but we can create a better life with better thoughts. Thoughts lead to action, action leads to change

Uncategorized

Choose Life!

Have you ever met that person who treats depression like a badge of honor? The person whose whole life is about “woe is me” and “you could never understand how horrible my life is”… well, you’re right. You live in a country with clean water (for the most part), indoor plumbing, heat, electricity… you have internet literally at your fingertips 24/7. You have access to healthcare, whether or not you can afford it, it’s illegal for an ER to turn someone away. They have to save your life. So yes… I will never understand how horrible your life is.

I have one of those “friends”. He’s an on again off again recovering addict… it’s not even a physical addiction.. it’s a “ugh.. my life sucks because I’m not 17, popular and rich” kind of addiction. He can go months without picking up but then he gets bored or annoyed at something and he spends the next week high.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have no problems with letting off a little steam. I don’t mind a glass or two of wine here and there, but this is straight out non-functioning garbage. He’s on disability because his life is soooooo bad. So he doesn’t have to work. He lives at home and pays a small rent, but doesn’t really worry about the basics like groceries and toilet paper, because mom’s got that covered.

He’s in school… again… he changes majors every couple years so that he doesn’t actually have to graduate and start working, and when I ask why he doesn’t just get a certificate in his field of choice (which is computers and pretty much all you need for most jobs now a days) he has no answer. I asked what he would do if disability didn’t pay for his schooling.. he said “probably just rob places”.

I really don’t understand people who really don’t want to be happy. This man has been in therapy for YEARS. Yet, when I ask him what his therapist says about his anger management issues (kicking over a grill because it’s having problems lighting is not normal behavior) he says that he’s never brought it up… REALLY?!?! What do you talk about in therapy? How your fantasy football team is letting you down?

The thing that gets me the most is his hypocrisy. He knows other addicts or reads about other addicts online and hears stories about them losing custody of their kids.They are ODing with the child in the backseat or letting the child wander off not fed, not dressed… what ever and he goes on about how disgusting they are. They don’t deserve those children. They should be in jail.. so on and so forth… the problem is… he’s a dad. He has a son. His son never knows which father he’s going to see. The happy go lucky man who likes to play, or the angry violent monster who kicks his toys. He honestly doesn’t think that it’s HIS problem because no one understands how bad his life is.. and he has every right to be moody. He also feels that he doesn’t have to be responsible because his son’s mother has custody and does a great job.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand why people choose to be miserable. I don’t understand why given tools, like therapy, meditation, exercise, medication… people choose to just stay in their own way. This friend’s old therapist told him that he should get outside more… just get some fresh air… nope… he was told to try journaling… nope… try meditation… positive affirmations… retraining thoughts… nope nope nope. He was put on anti-depressants… nope.. that took a while to kick in, and made him feel better, but it didn’t make him feel high, so what’s the point…

I do understand that people need to want to change for themselves in order to actually change… what I don’t understand is why people choose not to.

bullying, parenting

That’s not bullying.. that’s assault!

This is not a typical whiny old person rant… I am dead serious. What is wrong with kids today. I just read an article about a 10 year old boy who was set on fire by one of his classmates. SET ON FIRE!!! How does that happen? Who in their right mind thinks that it’s ok to SET SOMEONE ON FIRE?!?!?!

kaydenI just don’t get it. I have never been one of those people who was all up in arms about bullying. I’ve never approved, even as a kid, but always kind of thought that it was a right of passage. I grew up in the 80s when kids were stuffed in lockers and lunch money was taken. Classic bullies like you saw on TV. I always thought they were jerks, and my dad always taught me to stand up to a bully and that “nothing hurt like a punch in the nose”. It really was kid stuff.

Setting someone on fire is not kid’s stuff. Nor is pouring superglue on someone’s head and causing burns, nor is shooting up a school. I just don’t understand what has happened. I had to go to an “Active Shooter Drill” at my son’s preschool this past week. Seriously?!?!? This is the new generation?

I am not even sure who to blame for this. Some are blaming parents, some the media, some the parents for letting their kids watch the media.. there’s movies and video games and all the like, but really? My dad grew up watching cowboys and Indians, he didn’t blaze through the school with a shot gun. I grew up watching Star Wars, I didn’t run through the town with a blaster… though at least if I did, I wouldn’t actually hit anyone.

Violence is not a new concept in entertainment. Before movies and TV there were books4c0e85d8762200be32f31f1c6f5c61c7 and stories. Death and destruction was par for the course. Have you ever read the true Grimm fairy tales? I had nightmares from Edgar Allen Poe, there was Shakespeare and Homer and on and on… but there has never been such a violent generation.

The scary thing is violence isn’t just the bullies, the victims are seeing it as their only way out. Most school shootings are perpetuated by those who were bullied and then there’s the suicides, which is violence to ones self. Just google “kids commit suicide for bullying” and pages come up. And these aren’t angsty 16 year-old’s, they are 13, 11 and even 9! At nine I was still playing with dolls! How can this actually be reality?

People talk about the mental health system failing, but these kids have barely hit puberty. They’re still getting stickers from their pediatrician for being a “good boy/girl”. Are we going to have to start psychological testing in pre-school? I am normally not one to blame parents. I understand how difficult it is. I am a single mom. I was raised by a single dad. No one can be there 24/7, but come on, you have to see something. I’m not saying it’s the parents fault that the child has killed other’s or themselves. I’m saying that we, as parents, are the first line of defense.

If you see that your kid is moody, or withdrawing, or having trouble you know it. Don’t just pretend it away. If you hear about your kid being nasty or mean to other’s step in. Don’t just assume that “kids will be kids” because kids are not kids anymore. They are lost and disturbed. If you don’t have the answers, that’s ok, that’s not your job.. but talk to the teachers, talk to the guidance counselor at school Most people have insurance today, therapy is covered.

I understand that there is a stigma behind therapy and people don’t want to feel or be treated like there’s something wrong with them… but that has to stop! Even if you, as the parent start going to a family therapist first for ideas on how to help your child and then ask your child to join you. Then they will think it is more about you than them. I, personally started my son in therapy about a month ago and he’s only 3. He has been through a lot of loss in his short life (my father, who we lived, with passed away, and my son’s father is not very consistent). When it was time for my son to start pre-school I wanted help with how to deal with the separation anxiety that he was going to experience.

It is pretty much common knowledge that most bullies are just people with their own self-esteem problems who are trying to make themselves feel better by putting others down. It 12033164_499509056920652_6337032704963096023_n-600x800is clear that we, as a nation, are not raising strong independent kids with healthy self esteem. Bullying, violence, drugs, suicide… these are not “normal” childhood behaviors. We need to stop letting society, the media and video games take responsibility for our children’s actions. Again, I’m not blaming parents, I’m encouraging them to help. Teach your kids right from wrong, if you don’t feel the TV is helping, shut it off. If you see your kid being a little ass, correct the behavior. Not just with punishment, but ask them why they treated someone that way. Talk to them about empathy, and sympathy…

Parents are not just there to feed and shelter our children to ensure they live to adulthood. We are there to raise high functioning members of society so they can contribute to, not just consume from society.

parenting, Uncategorized

The blame game

So I was talking to one of my friends who is a recovering drug addict. We were discussing some of the people in his AA/NA programs and he was amazed at the fact that a lot of them don’t have any real goals in life. I was amazed by the fact that he was amazed by this.

4127653707_7476ea3ccd_bAddicts aren’t really known for being goal oriented (unless you count the goal of getting a fix. He was talking about this one particular friend who has decided to start a club of sorts for his addict friends. In theory it sounds like a good idea, not the way he’s implementing it, but the concept in general. It’s basically getting a group of addicts together and agreeing to be there for one another. If anyone needs a ride to a meeting or someone to talk to, that type of thing. Then he was talking about expanding it to an outreach program. Talking to troubled kids and the like…. again, sounds like a fabulous idea…

Here’s the catch. The friend who is looking to start the program isn’t really sober. I mean, he’s sometimes sober… he can go for periods of time being sober, but as soon as anything happens in his life he jumps head first of the wagon. On top of that he has severe issues with relationships. He just got out of jail for stalking and harassing an ex… this does not really feel like the type of person that should be teaching others about sobriety and living well sober.

When I mentioned this to my friend, he started with the excuses, “well, it’s not really his fault, he has severe abandonment issues… his childhood was…. ” blah blah blah. I stopped listening at that point. Your childhood is not a reasonable answer for your choices. It is a pathetic excuse to blame others. Now I am in no way perfect. I admit that. I picked up a lot of bad eating habits from my father growing up as I have discussed previously, but once I became an adult… maybe not the moment I turned 18… but 25, 30… so on… my parents mistakes were not my problem.. my own were.

This guy with the abandonment issues (because he was put into foster care as a child) has gone on to put one child up for adoption and has another that sees him bouncing in and out of jail and rehabs. Those are his choices. There are plenty of people who have had screwed up childhoods who turn out just fine. I, personally, am so sick of an entire society who blames everyone else for their choices and actions.

My childhood was not perfect. My mother was schizophrenic. There were horrible custody battles, at one point my parents had a literal tug of war battle over me in the middle of the street. When I did live with my mother she took us to religious communes where, since we didn’t live with out father, anyone was allowed to punish us as they wished. For a while we even lived in a car. It didn’t stop once my dad finally got custody. My mother kidnapped us, police were called to the house and my school.. all kinds of things happened, but none of that made me a victim. All of that made me stronger and more aware of my own actions.

As an adult I have taken in other people’s children when the mom wasn’t able to care for them, and now I am a full-time mom to my son, while still running my own business. People make their own choices. If they hate the way they were treated by someone else or society or however they feel wronged, it is not their job to cry about why they deserve more, it’s their responsibility to make sure they don’t repeat the actions, and their right to have a better life.

If you blame others for your problems then you are giving them control over your life. The only person who can fix your life is you!

 

 

coaching, Health

The Obesity Business

The interesting thing about the new Lane Bryant’s ad is the models they chose to use. They are trying to promote that big is beautiful, and I get that because that’s their gabourey-sidibebusiness, but the funny thing is that they only used one really big woman, a woman who is famous for playing a really big woman and a woman who has worked hard and decided to lose weight since that movie.

The majority of the women used in the commercial say that they are a size 14, which, though technically is plus sized, is also sold in most “regular sized” stores. The women are not obese, they are mostly curvy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that anyone should be shamed for anything. I don’t

eclipse premiere 300610

think that overweight people are ugly or gross, but I do know that being overweight is unhealthy. This ad seriously sends a mixed message. A message that it’s ok to be “fat”… which it’s really not, but uses women who are either still within the healthy parameter and a woman who has realized that her weight was actually a bad thing and has chosen to become more healthy.

Ad campaigns like this are very difficult. Obviously Lane Bryant would love the obesity epidemic to continue… it’s their bread and butter, so to speak, but they are actually using healthy people to tell others that it’s ok to not be healthy. This is why society is so screwed up. No one wants to be responsible for themselves, no one wants to think about how their actions affect the future. “It’s ok to be obese because I’m still beautiful”. Yes, yes you can still be beautiwilliamperryful at any size, yes a little roll when you sit down is completely normal. No, you do not have to be a stick to be attractive.
The girl who is on the cover of Sports Illustrated is correct, she did open eyes of many. There are many people who say that you can’t be athletic and not be skinny, but anyone who has ever seen a real athlete knows that’s not true. Most athletes have a lot of muscle and even a little big of healthy body weight.. that is completely normal. The problem with campaigns like this is not that it’s promoting self esteem. The problem is that it’s comparing healthy and curvy with obesity and saying it’s all the same. It’s not. We need a campaign that says healthy is beautiful!

parenting

Taste the rainbow!

OK, I may get a little flack on this one, and I’m alright with that.I’m sure you’ve all seen the post about the mom who was “snack shamed” for sending her kid to school with Oreos, and I get that as parents we have the right to feed our kids what ever we want. But here’s the thing. School is a place where we go to send our children to learn things, and fist of all, learning good nutrition is also important, but on top of that it has been regularly proven that we learn better when we can concentrate. When our blood sugar levels are all over the place we can’t.

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I’m not saying that an Oreo now and then is going to kill you, but these teachers are dealing with 20 kids in their class, and the last thing they need is 20 maniacs running around from a sugar rush, and then crashing and not being able to focus or listen.

And yes, I understand that the new cool thing is to accept everyone no matter how unhealthy they are, but learning good habits as a child will help them become a more healthy adults, who may actually live to see their own children grow up. Obesity is real people. Diabetes, heart disease these are not made up conspiracies by the fruit and veggies market. These are real diseases that are killing people.

Now I understand that fresh fruits and veggies can be expensive for some and that buying the cheaper chips and cookies are easier, but let’s think about that for a moment. I’m not willing to put a little extra away to buy even raisins to help my child stay healthy… in other words KEEP MY CHILD ALIVE LONGER.

Sugar really is evil. There is study after study about not just how it affects our moods anddownloadjf energy levels and concentration, but also our long term health. Sugar is worse for our bodies than most fats, and most of the cookies and other junk foods aren’t even made with real sugar and natural fats, they’re made with high fructose, partially hydrogenated garbage that increases cholesterol levels, plays havoc with our blood sugar levels and even gives us acne… as if health problems weren’t bad enough!

Cutting sugar isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible either. There are plenty of places to go for help, and plenty of real snacks to take the edge off. In fact, research shows that as one starts to cut out the sugars and salts from ones diet they crave it less, and I have found that my taste buds have grown so that real food’s flavor actually intensifies.

So the next time you get all bent out of shape because someone dared to put your well-being  before your wants, try to remember what your job is as a parent, and be as good to yourself too.