Category: Love

stone statue of leader of civil rights movement in washington dc
Love

Why we honor MLK

Katrina Russell

Today is a day to honor Rev Dr Martin Luthor King Jr. This is a very important day, and it is very significant that we honor and remember all of his accomplishments, as well as his message of peace.

There were many civil rights leaders of that time, but he is the only one with a day. Some consider this racist. Those people probably are the same people who think pancake syrup is racist. What makes a person worth an honor and a remembrance, like a day or a statue, is not just that they aim for a particular goal, but the way that they go about doing it.

MLK was all about peace. Peaceful resistance, and love. Love for all fellow men. He was not looking to elevate anyone over anyone else. He was looking to accomplish equality among all individuals. He did this by reminding people not to hurt others but to embrace them. To be allies and friends. He wanted his kids to walk with the white kids not against them or above them.

We honor MLK because of the accomplishments that he gave to this country, and the hardships he and his family endured for doing so. We do not honor MLK because he was a perfect man. This is an important distinction. This is something that some people have forgotten. No one is perfect. No one is without sin. Everyone is a product of their time, and a slave to their vices, and Dr King was no exception.

All over the country people are tearing down statues of freedom fighters because they disagree with something or another about the person. The person is not the point. The person is a symbol of the movement. Just as Dr King was a symbol of the non-violent civil rights movement that touched the hearts of people not just all over the country, but all over the world.

There are not statues to Dr King for being a philanderer. There are not statues to Dr King for being a rapist. There are not statues of Dr King for being a Communist. Though he was all of those things. He was a person. A person who had demons. A person who was a product of his time. A person that did unspeakable things behind closed doors, but who still brought a message of hope and peace to the world.

Never meet your heroes. It’s an old expression usually used now to talk about movie stars and athletes, but its origin is unclear. Everyone wants to attribute it to the person they first heard say it. Which in and of itself is ironic as they are putting the quote to the person they admire, but the point remains. No one is perfect. No one is the angel we know in our imagination. Dr King is no different.

It is amazing and wonderful that Dr King has a day to remember him. It is unbelievable that it happened so quickly considering he was fighting for the right to be treated as an equal, and less that 20 years after his death he was granted a Federal Holiday. In fact, other than Columbus, he is the only individual with a Federal Holiday named after him. We used to have Washington’s birthday, but that has since been converted to Presidents Day and now they all share it. Similar to Veterans Day.

Rev Dr Martin Luthor King is the only American to ever have a day named and celebrated for him, and he had a horrible history of sex crimes and treating women horribly. Does that mean we should take away his day? Does that mean we should rename all of the MLK Blvds all over the country? Or does that mean that we understand that he wasn’t perfect, but we honor him for the accomplishments and the amazing things that he did do? I say the latter, and I say the same for all of our other people in history. We don’t honor Jefferson and Washington for owning slaves, and we don’t honor MLK for his sins either. Let thee without sin cast the first stone. Until then, Let’s remember the good we’ve all done.

Addiction, bullying, Law of Attraction, Love, Mental Health, Prayer

Nihilism is killing people

Katrina Russell

I want to start by saying that I wasn’t raised religious. This is important for me to point out because a lot of people feel that only people who were brainwashed from childhood could possibly be religious, and that’s just not true. Religion is for those who are looking for meaning in life. There are as many religions in this world as there are people because everyone interprets their religion in a personalized way.

Human’s need something to believe in. They need to feel like life is worth something. Not every religion is a good or positive religion, but they all at least give people hope for a future. People need hope. They need something to hold on to. People work all week for the weekends. They struggle all year for their vacation. They Scrimp and save for a house or car or something bigger and better that makes their life feel more complete.

People also need to feel like when they lose someone that they are not gone forever. That a part of that person lives on in some way. I was not raised religious, but after my father passed away, I couldn’t imagine an existence without him. He HAS to be watching over us. My son’s father used to think I was crazy. He’d try to explain all the ways in which it wasn’t possible. I told him none of that mattered. That no one could possibly KNOW what happens after we die so we can believe whatever we want. Whatever makes us feel better.

He couldn’t handle that explanation. He was a nihilist in its truest form. He couldn’t fathom a reason for any of it. He was scared out of his mind about dying. He would go into full-fledged panic attacks over the thought of it. He knew it would happen at some point, but he just couldn’t wrap his mind around not existing. He couldn’t see any other option, but he couldn’t handle the thought of just being gone. He didn’t understand why we bothered to live. Why we bothered to suffer. Why we bothered to work hard or fall in love or have a family if it just meant that we died in the end, and it was over.

This wasn’t anything new in his life. He had these feelings and concerns since he was a teenager. He couldn’t believe in anything that he didn’t have proof of. He felt empty all the time and turned to drugs. He ended up institutionalized multiple times before he turned 18. By the time I met him he had been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality, and generalized anxiety. He was in recovery for his addiction, but still heavily medicated for his other disorders.

He was a great guy, and we did fall in love. We did create a family. He loved our son more than he thought possible, but that caused him even more pain. He couldn’t understand what the point of all of it was. He couldn’t see why we should all put our energy into accomplishing things in life just to die. His goal was to actually become a robot. I used to laugh at that. I used to tease him saying, “like a cyberman from Doctor Who? You know those are the bad guys, right?”.

He didn’t see any other way. He couldn’t handle emotions. He couldn’t handle the fear, the unknown, emptiness that he saw in his future. The irony of his disease, his nihilism, his despair for the future is that it made him suicidal. He had tried twice before I met him, and I couldn’t understand when he told me how anyone so afraid of dying could want to die. He told me that it was the constant fear of the unknown. The constant exhaustion he felt over the anxiety of not feeling anything. The drugs didn’t work, the therapy didn’t work, nothing worked because he had nothing to believe in.

Every generation seems to be becoming more and more like this. They seem to not understand what life is about. They don’t want to work for things. They don’t want to get married. They don’t want to have a family. They just want to live a life of nothingness, of physical and momentary pleasures. Life is about the “Now” there was a whole book series about this, but I don’t think that any of them actually read or understood the concept of that book. The new generation has decided that religion, and family, and responsibility are somehow bad and that primal pleasures are the only things worth living for.

Yet every generation becomes more and more depressed. More and more dependent on drugs and alcohol. More and more suicidal. All anyone ever does anymore is complain about how miserable they are. How lonely they are. How broken they are. But when you suggest that maybe that is because they have nothing to believe in or goals to accomplish, or real relationships to depend on they just respond with something about the patriarchy and “ok Boomer”.

My generation was the first generation with a major war or a draft. My generation was the first to have vaccinations for the really harmful diseases. My generation went through life arguing about whether or not Die Hard was a Christmas Movie. We were the first generation that were just expected to go to college, and we did it without much help from computers and no one had cell phones or social media as kids. We were the last generation to be raised to think about the future.

The Millennials came up right behind me and suddenly everything they ever did was out on the internet for the world to see. Suddenly everyone was comparing their lives to everyone else’s, and no one was happy. No one saw value in anything. They just saw envy and greed and became a generation that focused on what they could get for as little work as possible.

I was the tail end of the Gen Xers and the beginning of the online dating scene. It used to be you had to meet someone in person. You had to talk to them. Get to know them. Get them to like you before you saw them naked. It took work and made the end result worth it. Now you just swipe, and you have a line up for the week. No work involved and no feelings of accomplishment either. Relationships are work. Saving is work. Work is work. No one wants to do that anymore. Because no one thinks that anything that happens actually matters.

I know that they’ll say, “oh I have to work 3 jobs just to afford rent”. Sure, and when people point out that you buy a new $1000 phone or a new $1500 game system every year you just scoff that you deserve it. Yes, things are more expensive. Things are always more expensive every year. But if you got married and had a joint income that would give you more collective money… but no one wants to do that.

Everyone wants to take a pill, hook up, and sit in front of a screen and pretend their life away. I saw a video of Keanu Reeves talking about his conversation with a kid who didn’t understand what was wrong with living in the Matrix. Who cares if it’s not real? He thought this was great! He literally missed the whole point of the 4 movies he was in. It’s not great.

I saw a commercial for the new Facebook Meta world VR system. There were two guys who played together all the time. They were great friends in the VR world. They were ignoring their families and annoying those around them. including each other. As it turns out they were neighbors and didn’t even know it. They just yelled at each other to “keep it down” when they heard each other enjoy each other in real life.

Is that the kind of life people really want? Ignoring and annoying their family and neighbors to live online? This world is becoming obsessed with not living. Like my son’s father who couldn’t handle real feelings and fears and wanted to become a Cyberman. And like my son’s father this whole world is killing itself with drugs and apathy.

August 14, 2019 Neil Thompson died of a drug overdose. He had just worked out a custody agreement with me. He had just finished his Associates Degree and was moving on to his BS. He had started a new relationship with a new girl who he lied to about all of his issues. He was found in his bed in his sober house because he couldn’t handle living while feeling. How long is it going to take the rest of the world to kill themselves in the name of nihilism, and not having anything real to believe in?

close up photo of woman with her hands tied with rope
Addiction, bullying, grief, Law of Attraction, Love, Mental Health

Trauma… the badge of honor

Katrina Russell

When did trauma become the cool thing? Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that people have trauma, but trauma is a horrible thing. Trauma is not something that you want wish upon your worst enemy. Most people have had some sort of trauma in their life and it’s all relative. I was in a pretty bad custody battle as a child. I lived in a car with my mom. My parents had a tug-o-war over me in the streets. I was kidnapped by my mom and brought to live in a church commune…. you know… a cult. These things can be pretty traumatic, but they all ended. Eventually these things stopped, and my dad got total custody and only allowed my mom to visit when he was around.

I had an older brother… on occasion he liked to kick the crap out of me. On occasion we played fanciful games together and had a great time. When we got to our teen years he fought with everyone a lot and ended up moving out at 17. I was 14. I remember having the guidance counselor at school try to talk to me about it. How was it affecting me? What could she do to help? That was easy, I was sad. I missed him, but there was nothing to be done until he came back. It was a little over a year before we heard from him again. I remember answering the phone when he called and being overwhelmed with emotions.

I dated jerk guys and nice guys. I had friendships fall apart and new one’s spring out of nowhere. I was unemployed, underemployed and worked too many jobs to count. My best friend became an alcoholic and I had to help her ex take care of their kids I lost my Grams and got married and divorced… and this was all in my 20s. (well, divorced in my early 30s)

By my mid-30s I felt like I was getting my s**t together. I was dating a great guy. We were talking about starting a family. I had a great job in an industry that I loved…. what could go wrong? Well, everything. By the end of my 30s I had found out that my mom, who I hadn’t heard from in years, was dead. I had my baby boy, whom I love more than anything in the multiverse, but his father had relapsed into a spiraling drug induced state… and when I was 39, I woke up one morning to find my father had died in his sleep. Eight months later his longtime girlfriend died as well… on my birthday, and a little over a month later, 2 days before Christmas, on my nephew’s birthday… I watched my dog get hit by a car. Since then, I went through a long custody battle of my own with my son’s father that culminated in him losing his battle with that said addiction… thankfully it was a few years later.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I got my son a therapist. Losing his Papa and then the on again off again of his Da who finally died he was having some behavioral issues in school and a good healthy case of separation anxiety whenever he left my side. I call it healthy, because that’s what it was. It was his way of working out the things that he needed to work through.

I remember talking to his therapist about everything and her saying something along the lines of, “You’ve been through a lot, but unlike other people they aren’t things that you do that cause the problems. It’s things that just happen to you”. And she was right. The school councilor back in the day wanted to know how to help me. But there was nothing that could be done. My pain hadn’t come from anything that I did. It came from something that happened to me. My parents dying. My son’s father dying. Problems with exes, these were all the results of other people’s actions. Some people would find that disheartening. Some people would look at their trauma and their “victim status” as a reflection if not an identity of themselves. They would feel as if the world was against them and hold onto that trauma like an award that was given to them to prove how special they were.

I don’t see trauma in that way. I certainly don’t see bad things that happen to me as a reflection of me at all. I didn’t cause my parents to divorce, or my brother to leave, or my son’s father to do drugs, or my parents to die. These are things that other people have done that affect me but does in no way embody me. I am who I am despite all of these things happening around me and to me. I am who I am because of all of the things that happen around me and to me. It doesn’t do anyone any good to create a persona of trauma and hold onto it so tightly that it drowns you.

Trauma happens to everyone. I have been through my share, but it is nothing compared to what others have been though and its way more than some can imagine. Letting it dictate my life only lets the trauma and those perpetrating that trauma on you win. I’m not saying it’s easy to let it go. I’m saying its necessary if you want to move forward with your life. Somewhere along the line in our society it because desirable to be damaged. To prove that you have it worse than others. It gives you an excuse to not try, not do, not be…. everything that you can be because someone else broke you.

Bad things happened to you. I’m sorry. I truly am. But unless you want to live the rest of your life miserable and giving your power over to those that hurt you then you need to stand up and take your power back. You need to forgive those who caused you pain… and let go of what’s been drowning you.

Love, Mental Health

Really, they want to cancel Dolly now?

Katrina Russell

So, apparently people are angry at Dolly Parton. Yup, that’s a thing now. Dolly Parton. Loved, andidolized.. charity giving.. women empowering.. free loving Dolly Parton. They are mad at her because she made a commercial for the Superbowl encouraging people to follow their dreams.

This is what the woke culture has become. People are angry with Miss 9-5, because she is encouraging people to create their own businesses doing something that they love. People are angry with the women who has fought back against sexual harassment literally longer than I’ve even known what it was. People are angry with Dolly Parton because she is encouraging the patriarchy.. of.. wait for it… working.

Yes, encouraging people to work is supporting the rich man’s patriarchy. Encouraging people to strike out on their own, and yes.. work, work, work is degrading somehow. I don’t know about you, but I was taught that I could accomplish anything that I want.. it I WORK FOR IT. That is literally the American Dream. The dream is not that if I whine for it enough people who have earned it should give it to me.. that’s not what makes life worth living. That’s not what gives people purpose.

This has become an ongoing phenomenon. I have noticed. People are becoming more and more nihilistic. People are losing their reasons for being in an ill attempt to prove their intelligence and their wokeness. They won’t be the sheep to follow what society has deemed to be the building blocks of a good life. What does millions of years of evolution know that they haven’t figured out in their lifetime,

We have become a society of “marriage is a trap to tie you down”, “working hard is a trick to keeping making money for rich people”, “Consumerism is evil”… “So, let’s swipe right, hook up with random people, yell at corporations that they are stealing from me because I buy all their crap, but don’t actually have any money to pay for it and have nothing of purpose to call my own.. and need an access of anti-depressents to help”

Seriously. If you were to ask anyone over the age of 60 what they love about their lives it would be their family. If you were to ask them what they were grateful for it would be their ability to work for and support their family.. that’s it. That’s what makes life worth living. Now some people have passions. They love creating art, or growing/caring for plants, making music. When you ask them what they are grateful for and they would say that are grateful that they were able to make a career in something that they love… and all of it, from the marriage, to the kids, to the job. to the passion, to the career.. all of this takes work.

If you were to ask anyone over the age of 60 what they regret you’ll hear things like, not having a family, not taking a certain vacation, not following the dreams they had for their passion.. all of which requires work. If anyone tells you that work is just for rich men… they are the ones holding you back and trying to keep success in the hands of rich men.

Giving, Homeless, Love, parenting, Politics

Ask Not What You Can Do For Your Country….Privilege!

Katrina Russell

I was not alive when Kennedy made his famous speech, but I was raised by the people who were. I was born 12 years after his assassination, and 10 years after the civil rights movement… smack dab in the middle of women’s lib. I was raised by a single father who understood that his son and daughter were different, but also understood that we could both be whatever we set our minds to.

My father was only 2nd generation American. He remembers his grandfather’s brogue. He remembers how hard he worked. My grandmother would tell me stories about her father and how he used to sell fruits and vegetables out of a horse and carriage in the middle of South Boston. How proud she was of him. Even after his wife died and he was left with 5 kids to raise on his own.. he worked and supported his family. He taught his children to go out and make a life for themselves. All of his sons, a lot of his grandsons, and now his great grandsons did just that.

My father was not educated. He dropped out of school on his 16th birthday, and went out to get his GED so he could help support his single mother and sister. His father had taken off on them a long time ago. He signed up for Job Corp and learned skills that he could use to create that life his grandfather used to talk about. He got married and had two kids.. and yes, eventually also became a single parent when my mother got sick with schizophrenia. He eventually realized that he would also need to strike out on his own and start his own business. With his last commission check he filled out all the right paperwork. Contacted a supplier and the day after Thanksgiving he headed out the door to ring up old clients that he had sold powerwashers to and offered to sell them the soaps that went with it. He worked a lot.. at some times in my life it was 7 days a week. He worked hard. He was always banged up and burned from the acid. He was the best man that I’ve ever known.

Look back our lives were not what people would call privileged, but it was.. it was very privileged. Not because we were white. Not because we never had to struggle.. but because we were born into the richest more free country in the world, and we never forgot it. When we slacked off in school my dad would tell us that you get nothing for free, that everything worth having is worth working for, and that no one is going to do it for us.. and when I say us. I mean me.. my brother was a nerd. When I would say that I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up he would tell me that it doesn’t matter. “what ever you do. if you work hard and are the best at it.. you will succeed.”.

He never told me that the government would take care of me. When I was looking at schools we discussed different options, but decided on starting with Community College so that I could pay as I go and not collect debt, because no one was going to pay it back for me. I was born in the 70s but we were taught that with hard work and discipline we could accomplish anything.. the skies the limit. This included me. The girl from a small town with a single parent family. We all came from single parent families.. and unfortunately my son is following the pattern. His father died when he was 6. It was really sad, and really tragic.. but not an excuse to give up.. and not an excuse to not give life his all.

I look around today and everyone is talking about privilege.. and in the same breath claiming that they are some how OWED things. They are OWED higher education. They are OWED free health care.. they are OWED what ever they want because they were born in this country and this country is a country of privilege.

All I can say is WOW.. you are right.. this is a country of privilege. You have the privilege to say what ever you want. You have the privilege to practice whatever religion you want. You have the privilege to protect yourself from the State… and you have the privilege to become whatever you choose. What you do not have is the privilege to take things from other people who have worked hard for it.

I look around and all I see are grown people who were never allowed to be hurt. Who were given trophies just for being alive. Who were given good grades because it’s not fair not to even though they didn’t do any of their work. I am seeing people who are being taught that to be human means that everything is owed to them. That because other people have things that they should be allowed to have things too.. that “no one else has it as bad as us”.. yet, if you look around the world.. if you look through the history of this place.. no one, not ever, has had it as good as Americans. Even the most poor. Even the most damaged. They are still better off than 99.9% of history every.. and of most of this planet now.

If you think you deserve to go to college and earn a “women’s studies” degree on the rest of the country’s dime.. or that you deserve to have all of your medical expenses paid just because you happen to have the good fortune to be born in a particular hemisphere you are very mistaken. Now I’m not opposed to a state run medical insurance.. my family has had the need for medicare or mass health since we live in Massachusetts. I had student loans eventually when I went for my BA and I was glad that the the government could help. The difference is that I am grateful. I understand that I am lucky to live in a such a place, and I do all that I can to give back where I can. I don’t just complain, and expect it.

Gratitude goes a long way in life. It makes the difference between someone feeling as if life matters.. and feeling as if only privilege does. So I ask you to check your privilege.. and if you can volunteer at a local homeless shelter and see how they live.. and then travel to a developing country.. and see how the rest of the world lives.

Love, Mental Health, parenting

When did wanting love and family become taboo?

Katrina Russell

Hey, remember when being a mom was like a thing women did? Like, when people asked, “what do you do?” and they responded, “I’m a mom” and that was cool. That was enough.. why did that change?

Now, I’m not saying that women shouldn’t work. I think that if you have a passion for something you should go right out and work for everything that you desire. I’m also not saying that if you need the money that working is a bad thing. You have to feed yourself and your family and that is important… but when did it become shameful for a woman to be a mom. Like, a stay at home, take care of your family mom?

From the beginning of time moms have been a thing. In fact without moms there would be no more people. Being a parent and raising new people is the most important thing that there is. Making sure that these new little humans don’t turn out to be serial killers or wastes of space is very important. My father used to say that the most important job in parenting is creating independent people. But that takes a lot of work.

Childcare is a huge industry. Mostly run by women. The service industry is also huge and also mostly employs women. House cleaning companies mostly employ women.. these are all industries that have skyrocketed in the last few decades because women entered the work force.

Now again, I’m not saying that women shouldn’t work, or that all women should be mothers. If a woman decides that motherhood is not for her, by all means.. good on you.. if you decide that you do want to be a mother but you don’t want to give up a career that you love, that’s great too. But how many women out there LOVE their jobs. How many people out there LOVE their jobs. Most people can’t wait till the end of the day or the end of the week. I don’t know why having a job became the goal.. like it’s so prestigious to spend most of your waking hours doing something you hate just so that you can pay someone else to take care of your kids and clean your house.. because guess what? That’s their job.. you pay someone to do the things that you are shamed for doing for free, because it’s not real work. How is this good?

People complain all the time that the cost of living is so expensive. Well, this is because the market follows the money. When most families were one income families the market reflected that. Add a whole knew income and suddenly everything doubles in price. So you’re literally working to buy things that everyone could afford to buy before we all pushed to work jobs that we hate.

Again, I’m not saying that the Women’s Lib movement was bad. I believe women have the right to do and be anything that they want. Which includes being a mother and a wife. We always hear that on our death beds we never regret the deals we didn’t make but the family time that we missed. That we don’t look back fondly at the hours at our desks, but the moments snuggling with out loved ones. Our family and the people that we love are our reason for living… so why should a little girl be shamed for wanting to grow up and get married and have babies? Isn’t that what most of us want? When did wanting love and family become taboo?

bullying, Love, Politics

What happened to conversations?

Katrina Russell

Open communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Anyone married couple or councilor will tell you that. Our ability to communicate so completely is a lot of what separates us from the apes. We can talk. We can read body language. Hell when we know someone well enough we can almost read their minds.

So when did communication and conversations become so toxic? When did it become, “Think like me or you’re evil!”? This is true in personal relationships, public affairs, and just about any way that people interact at all.

Social Media is obviously the worst. People sit behind their keyboards and talk so much crap it’s ridiculous. Names are called, threats are spewed, and nothing is accomplished. I was raised in the Boston area, so I was always pretty liberal. I also went to public college and studied in the soft subjects of History and Poli-sci, so I’ve made a lot of liberal friends. I’ve also made some conservative friends. I always loved debating them. I’m one of those people that likes confrontation to a point… especially when I think I’m right… but I also LOVE to learn new things when it turns out that I’m wrong.

My first History class in college I had the best professor. He was this little Joe Pesci looking guy who came in on the first day, climbed up on his desk, and said, “I’m from the toughest borough in the toughest city and I’m not taking any crap from any of you.”. It scared or confused some of the kids in the class but I thought it hilarious. He made history fun. He told stories about the past like he was talking about a book or a movie character. He added details and opinions and made me want to learn more.

One day he was talking about politics and said that one needed to pick a side. You couldn’t be “undeclared” as we call it in Massachusetts. You had to pick, Republican or Democrat, that was the only way to get anything done. I thought he was wrong. That seemed like the dumbest thing I’d ever heard. I sat in my classroom, listening to this teacher that I had adored and admired and thought was so smart and I completely disagreed with everything that he was saying, and for some that may have made them question their own beliefs, but for me if just made them stronger. I loved my professor. I agreed with him on so much.. but not everything. I didn’t have to. I was allowed to disagree with him, and I was allowed to respect him. That was the best lesson I could have ever learned from college.

I post crap all over social media. For a long time, especially after Trump was elected I posted a lot of Liberal media. My friends on the right would comment or critique and I would chat back with them inquiring on why they disagreed and what they thought may be a better idea. My left friends would jump on with insults and disparaging remarks and I would shut them down and tell them that I would not allow them to insult my friends. Even the ones that I disagreed with. I earned some respect from the right for that.

Now, I am a centrist. I completely agree with a lot of what the Liberals say, and I completely disagree with a lot of what they say. I completely agree with a lot of what conservatives say, and I completely disagree with a lot of what conservatives say. I still continue to post articles and videos to my page. I still continue to ask questions and debate my friends, and I still continue to shut down anyone who throws insults at those who disagree.

I am not a Liberal. I am not a Conservative. I am a person who loves to talk about what I feel with others and listen to them in return. I am constantly changing. I am constantly growing. I am constantly learning new things. I don’t believe that anyone who has other’s best interests at heart should be labeled as evil or a fascist or anything else. I don’t believe anyone should be canceled for anything that they say… even the evil and the fascists. Without open conversations and debate no one will be able to learn. No one will be able to grow.

What ever happened to conversations? And how can we learn without them?

Love

If you can’t handle me at my worst…

Katrina Russell

There has been an odd trend going about on social media for a while, especially among women that I have found very strange. There’s memes everywhere that spout the same insanity about, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” and “If you don’t check on me when I’m down, don’t come around when I’m good” as if people are supposed to have a constant line into your innermost world.

Now I’m not talking about someone that you’re romantically involved with, because yes, they are supposed to have a line in on your world. I’m talking about your average friend. I’m am in my mid 40s. I have been to a few different schools in my day. I have worked at about a dozen different jobs. I have had many different social circles and cliques in my life. I have people that I have known since i was 3 and people that I spent my entire 20s with.. I can’t possibly check in on everyone ALL THE TIME.

Thankfully, with social media today we have the ability to reach out to those who have meant something in our lives. Though it seems unlikely, considering how much I write on here, I’m actually a fairly private person. When my son’s father and I were having problems I never posted about them. Even some of our closest friends who we grew up with had no idea. They didn’t KNOW that they were supposed to be asking us about our personal problems. They had their own lives to worry about. They couldn’t possibly be constantly checking up on mine and everyone else’s that they had always known.

When my son’s father finally died, and I posted it on social media my notifications exploded. People who had no idea that he had a problem. People that had no idea that his problem had gotten so bad. People that just loved me and wanted me to know that they were thinking about me. I appreciated that. I had reached out just by making a post and people had responded with tenderness and heart. They truly felt for me. Same when my father died. They reached out and let me know that they were there for me if I needed them, but let’s be honest. I just wanted to be left alone.

I didn’t begrudge people who “should have known” I was having problems. I didn’t hold it against those that didn’t come to my house to really be there for me instead of just offering platitudes. I understood that as bad as they felt for me, they still had work, and their families, and their relationships and I couldn’t expect them all to drop everything for me. I know how I feel when I hear about something happening to someone that I care about. How I still think about my friends who have lost people, or are sick, or going through what ever they are going through. Sometimes I send them a little message to let them know I’m thinking about them. Sometimes I wonder if it’ll hurt more to bring things up. Sometimes I think about it and then life happens and I get side tracked. Not because I don’t love them, but because it’s life.

I can only assume that people who post these kinds of memes don’t really understand human relations. The “you don’t deserve me at my best” is even worse. I’ve known some people at their worst.. and they are the worst. Why on Earth would someone feel that they have every right to be horrible human beings and treat other’s badly, but if the person they’re treating badly doesn’t like it then they’re the problem. The quote should be, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want me at my best either”.

People somewhere along the line have stopped taking personal responsibility for themselves. Anything they do isn’t their fault. You are now responsible for fixing their lives and their problems and reading their minds to know when it is time to fix their lives and their problems. If you don’t like it or anything that they do then you’re the problem because it’s your job to fix them… umm, no. Grow up. Live your life. Be responsible for yourself. By all means, ask for help if you need it, but don’t blame other’s for your short comings. You’re the only one that can break your life and you’re the only one that can make your life.

Addiction, bullying, Love, parenting, Politics, school shootings

The world is on fire… and what do I tell my son?

Katrina Russell

The world is on fire, or at least that’s how it feels right now I was born in the mid-seventies. The Vietnam War ended a few months prior. By the time I was in grade school Reagan was president, the cold war was coming to an end and my reference to the whole thing was Rocky IV. I had some understanding of the Berlin Wall that was based on an episode of “Benson” and an episode of “Head of the Class”. By my 14th birthday the wall had fallen. All I knew about the Middle East are have vague memories of planes being hijacked by Iran. if I recall correctly, but for the most part things were fine.

My aunt would tell me about the bomb drills they used to do in 50s, as if hiding under their desks was going to protect them from an atomic bomb. I saw movies, TV shows, and eventually learned about Jim Crow laws, separate water fountains, and bussing. We lived in Massachusetts so it was a part of our past good or bad.Growing up I couldn’t imagine that people of color were ever treated that way, never mind in my father’s lifetime. It was all so bizarre. I was friends with everyone. I had classes with everyone. I had cousins of mixed races. I watched the Cosby show on TV (who knew where that would go). Everyone wanted to be Michael Jackson. I don’t remember a lot of race trouble at all.

Being from the mid-late 70s I was also raised on the record/movie “Free to be You and Me” by Marlo Thomas. speaking of Michael Jackson. He had a clip in the movie himself. pre Thriller. This was all about not judging anyone by their sex and letting people just be whatever they wanted to be. Again I knew that women used to not be able to vote. I knew that the 70s had bra burnings and feminism and all these crazy thing, but when I was a kid no one cared if you were a boy or a girl, you better be studying your math homework. When asked what we wanted to be when we grow up no one ever said that we couldn’t. I came from a time of empowerment for everyone. Well gays still had a way to go, but by the time I graduated from high school in the early 90s no one cared about that anymore either. at least not in Boston.

Then right before the turn of the century. Right before “The Year 2000”, when everything was supposed to be wonderful and futuristic, Columbine happened. I remember sitting in my car and hearing about it on the radio. I remember buying a newspaper. yes, they did exist. and reading about the horrifying events and how they unfolded. This was the beginning of the end of my innocence. Two and a half years later September 11th happened and our country was no longer safe.

This is when race started to become a factor again. I don’t mean just the occasional asshole in the after school special, but real racism. People of a certain look were starting to be hated. They were starting to be attacked just walking down the street. It wasn’t even a certain religion at that point. Anyone who looked like they could be from that middle region at all were the enemy. I remember “Harold and Kumar” made a movie about it. Kumar, who is Indian, is automatically assumed to be an Arab and a terrorist. It was done in a comedic way, but it was still a powerful statement.

From there things have just continued to get worse and worse. I’m pretty sure a big reason for this is the internet. Suddenly everything that happened everywhere was on everyone’s screen. Instead of it being a local story about one bad thing happening to one person it was look at how this happens all the time to everyone. Instead of kids being bullied on the bus, they were now having bullies push their way into their homes through electronics. Instead of the local news only talking about big stories that really mattered, suddenly news was 24 hours a day and needed to be more and more sensational to get the attention of the millions of viewers.When a child shot up a school their picture and name were posted everywhere. This created a perfect avenue for those mentally unstable individuals to claim their 15 mins of fame. When a man raped a woman, it wasn’t just that the man was a dirtbag. it was that ALL men are dirtbags. One story would link to other stories with similar scenarios. Now instead of a half a dozen losers in the whole country, it was, “look at all these guys everywhere. All men are rapists. Instead of a couple of racists assholes who caused problems. and to be honest I don’t care which race, religion, or creed it is there is an example of all of them. And because they all link together it’s suddenly happening everwhere

.I first noticed this when I became a mom and everyone was bashing other moms for feeding their kids grapes, leaving them in the car seat to nap, running into the gas station to pay for the pump while leaving a sleeping kid in a comfortable car. suddenly there were stories being forwarded to all the moms with horrible outcomes. Moms were no longer allowed to pee, or shower, or sleep. If they did they mine as well just give their children to kidnappers who want to either sell them to the sex slave industry or murder them. They mine as well suffocate them themselves, because children die all the time by being left in their pack n play while the mom pees by herself. Here are 10 links to similar stories to prove I’m right and you should have DCF called on you.

We had a black president elected into office twice. A lot of the people who voted for him were white. They did not vote for him despite he was black. They didn’t vote for him because he was black. They voted for him because he was a person whose policies they agreed with. After he was elected the country was suddenly racist. I’m not really sure how it happened. except that the people on the right didn’t like him. So therefore they were racist. Anytime he was criticized it wasn’t because they were being stupid or petty. It wasn’t because they didn’t like his policy. It was because they were racist.

The right tried to impeach Clinton. They dragged him and his sex life through the mud. They attacked his daughter, they trotted out victim after victim of his sexual advances. They made fun of him. They made his life Hell. not because they were racist. He was white. But because they were assholes. Once Obama was in office no one was allowed to just be an asshole anymore. They HAD to be racist. It was the only explanation.

We now have to have laws to make people serve some potential clients no matter their religion, while letting other vendors refuse based on their principals. We have religions we’re never supposed to talk bad about, while other’s we’re supposed to blame. We have races that are always the victims and another that is always the villain. And don’t even get me started on the battle of the sexes. and if they even exist.

I grew up in a time when we were taught to not think about what makes us different, and I’m raising my son in a time when he is being taught that because he’s a while, Christian male he’s basically the devil responsible for the oppression of millions even though he still can’t cut his own PB&J sandwich. I thought it crazy my dad had to hide under his desk and my son is being taught ALICE (active shooter) training.

My son is only in 1st grade and he missed half a year of school because of a global pandemic, and now the world is literally on fire. What is he going to learn from all of this? What do I tell him when he asks why he’s so bad because of the body he was born into, because he was so privileged to be raised by a single mom after he lost his father to the opioid epidemic? What do I tell my little boy when the world tells him how wrong he is? I tell him the only thing that I can. The same thing that I told him when his father died. It’s not his fault. Everyone makes their own choices in their own life and I’m going to teach him to make the right ones. To not judge. To not blame. To love everyone equally.

Love, parenting

Crazy Mother’s Day in Lockdown

Katrina Russell

As everyone knows, last Sunday was Mother’s Day. The day that mom gets to get pampered. She gets breakfast in bed, and flowers, and candy, and taken out to dinner and little handmade cards from the little people she created and carried in her own body and has given up every second of her life to since.

HAHAHA! Most of us get half eaten toast that we have to clean up after. And we love it. We love that our kids even kind of acknowledge that we deserve something for all the things we do for them.

A couple weeks before Mother’s Day I started seeing posts in my feed about “Remember dad’s the schools aren’t going to be helping your children make cards this year. It’s all on you”. I thought it quite amusing that the internet understood that most dad’s have no idea that the holiday is coming, never mind that they may have to do something about it.

My son’s father, unfortunately, is no longer with us. It’s just me and my son.. we are our own little team. I bought myself a little mother’s day present. His school has a collaboration with Artsonia.com to have all of their artwork published onto the site and we can order products with their actual artwork printed on it. I bought myself a couple pieces of jewelry, and I bought his grandmother, his father’s mother, a little wooden plaque.

I thought that would be the end of my Mother’s Day celebration… until the day came and my son asked one of my friends to take him to Target. They put on their masks and walked the isles. He didn’t really know what kind of books I read, or what sized clothes I wore so he he bought me snacks. He bought me Ghiradelli Chocolates, fruit and cupcake. He also bought me the most beautiful garden flower decoration. I was so shocked and proud by his choices.. even though he did eat all the cupcakes himself and told me how much more I like fruit anyway.. he is 7 after all.

For our celebration, knowing we couldn’t go anywhere, we ordered in takeout and watched The Indiana Jones series. It was actually quite nice to just sit and snuggle on the couch. For a Mother’s Day in quarantine.. it was probably one of the best ones I’ve ever had.