Category: bullying

bullying, Law of Attraction, Love, Uncategorized

What is your truth?

Katrina Russell

Truth is a complicated concept to grasp. That has never been more obvious than in today’s world of “fake news” in which case every side is claiming they are in the right, but to know what is truth? This is even more important in our personal lives. We all have these truths about ourselves, our family, our friends, our spouses.. but where do these “truths” come from.

download (24)My son was watching a cartoon… (yes.. he does that a lot.. no judgement.. it’s been snowing….. A LOT I’d never get anything done!) and the kids in the show were caught lying and were sat down and told to never lie. That lying hurts every situation and that it’s just bad to lie in general. Of course this backfired, and the kids just walked around saying what ever they were thinking, up to and including telling people they stink, they’re ugly, their cooking tastes bad.. what have you. So now the teachers had to try a new tactic and tried explaining that sometimes it’s ok to lie and sometimes it’s not and there are reasons for lying and for not.. and so on.

This seemed a bit crazy for my 5 year old to grasp so I put down my sponge, and sat with him for a minute to ask him about lying and give my perspective. I explained that lying was when you didn’t tell the truth in order to keep yourself from getting in trouble, but that telling someone things that may hurt their feelings just for the sake of it isn’t being truthful it’s just being mean.

I asked him some scenarios. I asked him about spilling his drink, and hiding his dinner.. then I asked about calling someone ugly. He said that wasn’t a truth. I asked him why he said that.. his response was one that took me decades to figure out.

“A truth is telling something that was done or someone said. Just because you think someone’s ugly doesn’t make it true.”

And that was it.. perspective.. just because you think something doesn’t make it true. Just because you may have been told that you’re stupid, or ugly, or fat, or a failure doesn’t make it true. Just because you think that someone is the only one for you.. or some job is the only thing that can make you happen.. doesn’t make it true. Truth is action. Truth can’t be challenged.

You think you’re a failure. Have you never won anything? Even a game of UNO? You think you’re unlovable. Have you never been loved, by you mom, your ex… that guy in 7th grade math class? People spend a lit of time deciding what their truth is.. instead of using actions to create a real truth.

 

bullying, Uncategorized

Together we stand!

Katrina Russell

Just a little story I thought I would share to add some perspective. I had a routine doctor’s appointment last week. Nothing special, just a check up. As I was sitting in the waiting area a man started to talk to me. I didn’t think anything of it. I understand how boring a waiting room could be. It started with the normal small talk about waiting rooms and over scheduled appointments and I was polite and direct in my answers. I thought that I was pretty clear that I was just being cordial and not looking for the conversation to go any further… but…

download (17)As we sat there, stuck in a room, waiting for the nurse to call us in he escalated the conversation. He started telling me how cute I was. How he’s just looking for a nice girl. He started asking personal things about my life, which I dodged as clearly as I could. I lied when he pressed me on where I live. I lied and told him that I was married. I started messaging people on my phone to show him that I was otherwise engaged in other conversation. I was already sitting as far away from him as I could, but still leaned further in the other direction.

He pressed on, “Would your husband be mad if he knew you were talking to me? Is he going to get jealous?”. Really? I’m just here to get my blood pressure and ears checked.. and whatever else comes along with this check up. I really don’t need this while I’m trapped in a room alone with a stranger.

I know a lot of men would probably respond to my post as, “what? he’s just being friendly, if you didn’t like it you didn’t have to respond”, but as most women know not responding can sometimes escalate things even further.. then these “friendly men” can start calling you names and can become aggressively attentive in an attempt to make you the problem.

I was messaging with my brother at the time and thankfully he is not one of those neanderthal men who assume that women should be grateful for attention of any kind. He understood that I was uncomfortable. He asked me if I had a clear way to leave the building and I told him that I help my keys out as I walked and cleared the elevator before I got in. I made sure that the man was not in the hallway when I stepped into the elevator, as it would be too easy for him to jump in after me.

Now I know what you’re thinking. This all seems crazy. I am clearly a super paranoid women who hates men. But this is the thing that men don’t understand. This is our thought process. I have no problem with men. I have many male friends. I was raised by a single dad and have a brother whom I love. I have a nephew and a son.. and as a child mostly played with my 2 boy cousins until the one girl cousin I had came around when I was 7. I am very comfortable around men. I have worked in male dominated fields. I have often been “one of the guys” due to office dynamics as well as hobbies that I have (I’m a bit of a geek). Men, as a species, don’t intimidate me. However, as a woman I understand that not all men are like my brother or my best friend. Not all men have the same understanding of women’s personal space and boundaries.

Men joke about situations like being ok with gay guys as long as they don’t hit on them, or “don’t say things to women that you wouldn’t want your cellmate to say to you” and there’s a reason for that. Men understand that sometime other men don’t take no for an answer. They know what they and their friends are like with women and they wouldn’t want to be put in a situation like that. They wouldn’t want to be stuck in a room with an overly attentive man with no idea where the situation could take them or the feeling of having to possibly defend themselves physically. No one likes that feeling, but that feeling is exactly the part of the “me too” message that is getting lost.

When women talk about how we feel harassed in our everyday lives. How we have been forced to deal with things that make us feel unsafe or pressured it doesn’t just mean the times that we are raped, or felt up. Harassment isn’t just about the p***y grabbing and penetration. Harassment is being made to feel unsafe for no other reason than because you are who you are. Whether it be you’re a woman, a person of color, or part of the lbgtq movement if you are not a member of the “group in power” you are vulnerable, and the only way we can gain our power is to stick together and support each other.

 

bullying, Law of Attraction, Love, parenting, Uncategorized

Unconditional Love… and you.

Katrina Russell

The other day was my son’s birthday, and I was watching him run around with his friends. He was doing this silly dance that he thinks is so cool, and I was just in awe of his wonderfulness. I couldn’t believe how great of a son that I have. For those of you who have children you know this feeling. You know how it feels to love someone so uncontrollably and completely. You know how it feels to love unconditionally.

I’ve given a lot of thought to unconditional love. The love between a parent and a child is the most obvious kind. I knew no matter what I did as a child that my father would never stop loving me. I knew that no matter how many times he grounded me for “nothing”, in my teenage brain, that I would never stop loving him. It is true. My father died 3 years ago… and I still have never stopped loving him.

images (4)Unconditional love is spoken about a lot.. almost as a fairy tale. As if it were an ideal that people could never actually live up to. Relationships fall apart just as fast as they come together. Divorce rates are growing while marriage rates are dropping. No one can say forever anymore, and because of that unconditional love seems like the unicorn of feelings… but here’s the thing. Love isn’t about staying together. Love isn’t about rings. Love doesn’t even have to be romantic.

When I think of unconditional love I think of those who are in my family. My father, my brother, my son… and those we choose to consider family, my God daughters. Those are the people that we love “more than ourselves”, and that I feel is where the biggest problem lies. It’s not that we can’t feel unconditional love for another person. It’s that we’ve lost the ability to feel unconditional love for ourselves. We are our harshest critics. We undermine ourselves all the time. We second guess. We insult. We ridicule. We don’t even have the ability to take a compliment from someone else anymore.

We see it all the time. Someone says, “you look good today” or “you did a really good job at..” and suddenly we have to come up with all of these reasons why it wasn’t actually our doing. We have to try to sound modest. But it’s not modesty. It’s the uncomfortable feeling of being praised. We’re not used to it. In our heads all day we hear, “oh you look fat”, “you totally messed up that spelling bee in 3rd grade what makes you think you can land this big contract”, “look at him and his nice suit he’ll get this job over you.. who are you?”, “why would anyone love you when there’s someone like her out there?”. These are the words we tell ourselves and then we wonder how we could possibly have trouble loving other people.

We never think about the damage that self deprecation actually causes. We think that we’re helping. Next time you find yourself hearing these words in your head think about how you would feel if someone ever said them to your kids or your parents. Think about whether or not you would ever say those words to someone you love… and… don’t you deserve the same love?

 

bullying, Politics, school shootings, Uncategorized

Bulling the victims of school shootings… really? Who’s the adult?

Katrina Russell

I am both amazed and appalled at what I am seeing in the world today. Somehow people seem to make tragedies worse. For years we have been watching in horror as children and sometimes babies getting slaughtered in a place that is supposed to be a haven. A place that, we as Americans, need for the future of our society to continue, and we’ve done NOTHING. That to me is horrifying enough, but now, as time goes on we are even outdoing ourselves.

downloadI remember Columbine. I remember sitting in my car sitting in my car listening to the radio report of the events. I remember reading in the newspaper in the aftermath. I remember thinking how impossible it all seemed. It had only been 6 years since I had graduated from high school myself and it was unimaginable that anything like that could have happened.

I remember moving from the small town of North Andover, MA to the small city of Newton, MA and being shocked that they had SECURITY GUARDS. They weren’t even carrying. They were just there in case of a fight breaking out, basically, and once when I first started there was an “incident”. I’m still not really sure what happened. This were said, tensions were high.. and no one was killed or even seriously hurt.

My God daughter was born about a month before Columbine and I could never have imagined that by the time she reached high school that I would be regularly seeing her and her peers outside with their backpacks strewn about in a bomb scare. HOW IS THIS AMERICA IN THE 21st CENTURY?!?!?!

I remember my father telling me stories about when he was a child his class used to have drills in case of an attack from Russia. They would sit under their desks, as if that would possibly do anything against a nuclear weapon. I remember thinking that was insane, barbaric even. I remember hearing about the hippies who were laughed at by the adults for wanting something better. I remember hearing about the soldiers who came home from Vietnam to be spit at and called “baby killer” by those same peace loving hippies… I remember thinking how much things had changed and how proud I was that they had.

Now it’s been it’s been almost 20 years since the devastating and societal changing Columbine shooting… and it’s still happening. In fact, it’s happening more and more. And are people coming together to help one another? Are the American people supporting each other in making sure that our children are safe? No… I saw grown individuals cyber bulling child victims. Children who watched they friends be slaughtered. Children who had their friends lying on top of them while they bled out. Children who have been through more in those few minutes than most adults could ever imagine. Children who are strong enough to stand up and fight back and say that it’s time for a change. No, I see grown adults, both men and women telling these victims to “grow up and get over it” to “shut up and go back to school” that “children don’t have the brains to know what they’re talking about”.

These children have the right to defend themselves. These children have to right to share their experiences. These children have the right to feel safe in their home away from home. In the place where they are supposed to be concentrating on learning so they can become the leaders of tomorrow. They should never feel as though they  need to be looking over their shoulders at their classmates in fear of their lives. And shame on you for not understanding that. Shame on you for blaming the victim for just wanting to be safe. For just wanting to live. You don’t have to share their opinions, but you do have to respect their lives.

 

bullying, Law of Attraction, Prayer, Uncategorized

Why is Atheism Suddenly a Movement… part 2

Katrina Russell

This is a response to the last blog post that I did about Atheism vs Religion. There seemed to be some confusion about my definition of Religion. I was not speaking about any specific religion or saying that people shouldn’t be opposed and speak out about horrific things done in the name of religion. I am simply speaking about those who try to belittle and change the mind of those who believe that there is something more to life than what we can see.

I was not raised in any particular religion, though my father was raised Catholic and download (4)being raised in the US we celebrated all of the commercial Christian holidays: Christmas, Easter… and to a lesser extent Halloween. My father read me the children’s Bible when I was younger, but that was half out of obligation to my mother who gave it to me, and half because he felt that it was part of our modern culture and he wanted me to be educated on it.

As I got older I met more and more people of different religions and my father always encouraged me to learn about them and make my own decisions on which, if any, that I chose. He always felt that it was never a bad thing to be well informed and well read.

Most of my life I didn’t identify with any religion… except maybe The Force.. I’m still trying to get that remote from across the room. I did feel like there was more to life than just living, eating, procreating, and dying… unless you’re a praying mantis. I felt connected in some way to Jesus, because of the family and the culture that I grew up in, and I believed in ghosts, reincarnation, not so much Hell. I came to believe in my own version of what I thought made sense.

After learning about quantum physics and some theorists interpretation of how consciousness creates outcomes, and how we are made from the same stuff as star dust I felt even more sure that there was more to everything that what is understood…. dark matter/energy, anyone?

After I had my son I had a pull towards the Catholic church. I wanted him to be baptized like everyone else in our family. I knew that I didn’t want him to go to the public school in my town and the local Catholic school was known to be wonderful. I met with my family church counselor and eventually received my confirmation. I wasn’t sure how much more I wanted to do with it, but I left that door open.

Then my father died. That was absolutely the worst thing in the world that has ever happened to me. I had moved back in with him after his diabetes was getting progressively worse and eventually I met a man who understood my predicament and though he wasn’t thrilled with living with his girlfriend’s father we made due after my father had a stroke and needed a quadruple bypass. We went on to have the most amazing son in the world…. but unfortunately that man was not up for the challenge and left me alone with a one year old boy and my sick father.

Thankfully for the most part my dad was fine. He had what we called “episodes”. His download (6)blood sugar levels would drop to the point where he would become hypothermia and the paramedics spent a lot of time at my house.  My father, however, was still working and paying most of the bills while I worked at home part-time teaching ESL online to people across the world nights after my son went to sleep .

This went on for about a year. Then one month after my son’s second birthday my dad said his good-nights and never woke up. I was completely devastated. I blamed myself for not checking on him. I was completely grief stricken. Forget the fact that I had no idea how I was going to pay the bills and how I was going to take care of my son all by myself I grieved for all of the moments that my son would never have with him. I grieved all the moments that he would never have with my son.

My son was 2 years old. His long-term memories hadn’t even begun to form. I was so distraught by the fact that my son wouldn’t know my dad. My wonderfully amazing dad.

But then as time went by my son still spoke about “Papa”. He spoke about conversations they could never have had. Later that year for my birthday I gave myself the present of going to London with my son… that same day my father’s long-term girlfriend died… on my birthday. We had a lovely trip, we saw all kinds of amazing things and had wonderful adventures while there. When we returned home it was night and my 2.5 year old was asleep. When we woke the next morning my son looked around and asked, “where’s Papa?”, as if he was expecting him to be waiting for us when we got back. I just told him that he was with Mary (his girl-friend’s name).

After a while my son was back to talking about him as if he were a friend. He was adamant that Papa was at his 3rd birthday and loved the cake. Maybe he was, maybe it was a little grieving boy’s imagination… but what’s the harm in believing?

It was after that I decided to start becoming more proactive at church. It’s not that I believe everything they say. I understand that the Bible was written by people and that most of the rules were designed around politics and the economy. I understand that if God did come down and speak to people and that his word was passed down from generation to generation there is a good chance it’s been altered anyway. We’ve all played telephone.. never mind in different languages.

But I choose to believe that my father and son were communicating all that time. I choose to believe that my father is still watching us and seeing the amazing little boy that my son is growing into. I choose to believe that I will see him again one day, and if I find comfort in that… why would you begrudge me just because you don’t.

I’m not here to say that everyone should believe in Christ. I’m not here to say that if you disagree with a practice of a church that you shouldn’t fight against it. There is a difference between an organized religion, and a spiritual hope. You don’t have to want more… you don’t have to need to feel connected…. but why tear others down who do? There is no proof either way and many unanswered questions. Many scientist believe in some sort of God… who are you to say otherwise?

 

bullying, Law of Attraction, Love, Uncategorized

How do you resolve to make the world better?

Katrina Russell

SO… HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

We have officially started our new lives. We all have our resolutions stated, our diets, our business plans, our ideas for what ever our dreams may be. I have heard a lot of talk on radio stations, and of course the memes are in full swing, but you know what I mostly noticed. It’s all negative, self deprecating, designed to fail talk.

I don’t know what it is about the human ego, but we seem to be fundamentally designed th (4)to accept failure. Most people are much more comfortable with self deprecation than we are accepting a compliment. If someone says, “wow, you look great, have you lost weight?”. The receiver automatically feels uncomfortable and makes up some excuse about being sick, or “maybe a little”, or brushes it off as if it’s no big deal. But it is a big deal. Anything that you work hard at is.

For some reason, especially with Americans, there is something innately in us to underachieve. It’s actually the opposite of what the American Dream is all about so I don’t really get it. People are proud of how little they do and/or accomplish. As if being sick and broke is a mark of freedom. They are free from the rat race, or free from the socialized ideals of what’s important. They’re not going to be one of those people who eat healthy, or God forbid RUN. They aren’t going to be one of those people who works to get the promotion or start their own companies.. those people clearly have an ego problem.

I don’t know if it’s all the old 80s-90s movies that made the bad guy the person with an unhealthy need to win the poster-person for ambition so now anyone that wants to make themselves better must clearly be the jerk who thinks they’re better than everyone else.

And there’s a certain amount of outside sabotage that goes along with it. Those who are trying to “better themselves” are being told that it’s OK to be fat… it’s OK to be you… no being fat will kill you. It doesn’t make you less of a person, but it’s not OK. Or it’s OK to be minimum wage worker.. if you try for that promotion then you’re trying to somehow leave other’s behind.

th (3)Even those who are successful in whatever aspect of their lives still feel the need to put down anyone who wants start. Slim, healthy people make fun of overweight people who are beginning to exercise. As if “who does that person think they’re fooling?”. Why do they have to be fooling anyone? Why does their life choices to try to be better at something automatically put others on the defensive.

I saw an article about a woman who spent 100 days facing her fears. She later did a TEDtalk about it. I was amazed when I saw the comments how many people put her down  because they didn’t agree that her fears were important enough. That her doing things that others do all the time shouldn’t make her important. Why not? Why can’t she be important just by being important? To quote The Doctor (Who) “In 900 year of time and space, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important”.

Why is life more about keeping other’s down than helping each other up? Perhaps everyone resolution should be to be more inviting and supportive of others, bringing up the status quo instead of bringing everyone down. Just a thought.

bullying, Law of Attraction, Uncategorized

Friends are not always the most encouraging when it’s time for a change.

Katrina Russell

Have you ever known someone whom lost a boat load of weight, I’m not talking like 10-20 lbs. I mean like 50-100 lbs, and managed to keep it off? The first question people always ask is how they did it, and they are always disappointed when they are told the person changed their eating habits and/or exercised. No one wants to do that.

imagesEveryone wants to change.. without actually changing. These same people will see the new and improved, healthier person out at dinner or a party and say, “oh, you can have some cake”.. or the drink.. or what have you, “you have to live a little” or “a little won’t kill you” or something along those lines.

I have always found this extremely disparaging. It is a way of completely undermining the work the person has done. It’s not easy to “stick” to a healthy diet. It takes A LOT of work. Most people have to over come addictions, and other mental health coping mechanisms to get there. It really does take changing.

I couldn’t imagine someone saying the same thing to an alcoholic. “Oh, wow, you haven’t had a drink in a year! That’s amazing! Let’s celebrate with shots. One won’t kill you”. It’s a slippery slope. Now that’s not to say that someone who has lost weight can never have a piece of birthday cake again. I mean… maybe the person does decide that their addiction is too strong and it’s best not to, or maybe they feel that they have dealt with their habits enough that they can indulge on an occasion, but the point is that it’s the healthy person’s decision on how they handle their food intake. They know what is and isn’t OK for them.

I don’t think that most people who try to encourage the healthier person to “Live a little” downloadis trying to bully them or sabotage them. I think most people are just trying to include their friends.  I think that most people just want to act like the food is not a big deal, but it is.. to some people, and pretending that it’s not doesn’t help anyone. That being said, there are some that go the other way. There are those “friends” that don’t want you to succeed because they haven’t. You know the old saying, “Misery loves company”.

If you are on your path to a healthier you. Whether it’s weight-loss, substance abuse, or weight-loss-kratomeven getting a better job, be careful of your peers. Be careful of those who seem to always lead you down the path of the dark side… with those cookies. You know the voices that you hear in your head that say it’s ok… you can just have one… well, they are hard enough to ignore. When you hear them from those who love you it’s even more challenging.

If you want to change your life, that mean you have to CHANGE your life. It won’t be easy. There is no magic pill. You can’t half-ass it. But you can become what ever you imagine yourself to be… you just have to do the work.

bullying, Healthcare, Politics, Uncategorized

Let’s lay blame where blame belongs

Katrina Russell

Don’t get me wrong. I am the first to say that not every claim of rape or sexual assault is true. I have actually lost friends over this. I believe that any accusations should be investigated, and there are lots of women who just cry rape when they regret what happened… however… when something like the Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby or Donald Trump controversy come out this is not one woman regretting her behavior or wanting a pay out.

download (46)Most of these women have a life of their own at this point and have nothing to gain and everything to lose by making these accusations. People often ask, “why didn’t they come forward sooner?” and I can understand that question, but I can also understand the answer. I can understand why a women wants to keep her mouth shut because her career is on the line. I can understand that someone, without the power, doesn’t have the overwhelming urge to give up everything no matter how right they may be.

The interesting thing that I have found is that men have no problem using the excuse that “That’s how things were back then”. It was normal for women to be abused and have absolutely no power to fight back and everyone was ok with that, but when women say that’s why they didn’t come forward they get called liars and laughed at.

So which was it? Either men have this as an excuse and, therefore, so do women.. or men don’t have this.. and none of their behavior is OK. I was raised by a man.. with a big brother and now I have a son. I have been surrounded by men my whole life. I remember watching my dad watch women walk by and his girlfriend laughing about it. I was raised to know that I have the right to stick up for myself. I was raised that I was a strong, powerful woman. And I was raised to know that not everyone was.

So, how about we stop blaming victims.. and start listening to facts. No matter which finger is pointed.. or when.

bullying, parenting, Politics, Uncategorized

Healthcare needs to be a conversation.

Katrina Russell

Can we please have a conversation about mental health? Another attack… shocking! Should guns be banned? Maybe… Should there be more regulations… definitely, but let’s talk about the real issue. Mental Health. Depression is behind almost every door. Bullying is inside every phone and every computer. This is not the same world it once was. We can’t treat it as is was.

download (43)I have a friend that is currently struggling with addiction and looking desperately for a long-term care center… but of course health insurance doesn’t cover it. If he has $22k/ month he is all set… but the average person?

This is not a rarity. I do not believe that addiction itself is an disease as “they” say.. what I do believe is that most addicts have severe mental health problems.. usually depression or anxiety and that they use drugs to self medicate.. and just cause a spiral. So why are we not talking about mental health MORE? Why are we not making sure that EVERY American has access to help?

We treat drug addicts like criminals.. and believe that even criminals should be allowed guns… and yet.. no one wants to help any of these people. I’m not even talking about politicians. They are a small part of what this country is made up of. We need to start making changes ourselves. We need to start thinking about ALL of our citizens. We need to think about addicts… and the school children who have to practice safety measures in case of shootings. We need to think about the lives that we are leaving our children.

I don’t know how to fix the healthcare system.. and I am not a politician. What I do know is that we need to talk about it… and not just bully and blame.. but understand.. and empathize. We need to help.

bullying, Law of Attraction, Love, parenting, Uncategorized

I’m Sorry….

Katrina Russell

My son was at his therapist’s office the other day. In his little life he has had a lot of loss and sometimes we all need help coping with the grief that comes from that. Since he’s so young he spends most of his time to just playing and avoiding questions that make him feel uncomfortable. This last week his therapist noticed that he was apologizing a lot. This is not like him. He usually apologizes when necessary but not unusually so. She mentioned that it is a sign of anxiety and feeling guilty about things.

Im-sorryI thought about this for a while, and tried to evaluate what had been going on in his life lately that  may have made him feel that way. After a bit I realized that it wasn’t his anxiety at all. It was his God father’s. I love my  friend and he is a wonderful person.. but he apologizes to inanimate objects when he trips. I told him that I was getting ready to take my son to school and his response was, “I’m sorry”.. for what? Not only did it not involve any behavior that he had to apologize for.. my son going back to school is a good thing. We are all excited.

My friend blamed this behavior on being in the customer service industry… but that’s not the case. There is no need to apologize for good things happening even in customer service. In his case he is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is always expecting bad news.. and he is always first to take blame.. even for things that aren’t his fault.

I don’t know where he learned this, but I want to make sure that my son doesn’t pick up this habit. I want my son to apologize for things he’s really sorry for, not just pay lip service. I want my son to feel comfortable in his own skin and with his own actions. I want my son to look forward to people’s news. I want “Guess what?” to be a question of excitement not dread. It’s important to teach empathy and awareness.. it’s something else to create anxiety and guilt.. or a fear of being wrong just for being oneself.